[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Maryanne my dear friend in Alohaland. I always love your take. What you see as Body and Self is right on. Is Mind included in Body? Cause I see that our True Selves have a mind and a body. I stopped identifying myself as simply a Mind and a Body years ago.

This is enormously clarifying. We are each unique sacred Souls, or Spirits.

I think what we do comes from a place that is our core Self.

Some things I have learned to accept. Some I keep trying to rectify, but always with the understanding if what I want is in opposition to what the Universe (or God) has planned for me, I trust that sometimes I should be careful what I wish for.

Example: As you know, after 10 years of being on Herceptin, I stopped late last July ('08). I go every 3 mnths for a full panel of bld tests, including CBC, lipid profile and TMs (CA 27.29 and another which I seem to be less fixated on). I have remained around 12 in CA 27 category these past 10 yrs.

I get a copy of my bld results and compare the latest to the last, line by line and check the normal range, which my brain doesn't seem to retain. Last Nov my TMs were at 16. I didn't say anything. I know they are unreliable, that they vary due to no one is quite sure what.

In Feb all my bld work was perfect. My Dec chest/abdomen/pelvic CT scans STABLE. But my Feb TMs were up to 29. YIKES! I spoke to my onc who I love and totally trust. We decided to retest in a mnth, not 3 mnths. I upped my Omega 3. I was cognizant that I had THE WORST FLU I EVER HAD -- and it lasted for 3 long mnths!!! Dec/Jan/Feb I was sick as a dog. Daily painful throbbing headaches (which I never get), clogged sinuses that felt like a concrete block in my head. My nose ran incessantly. I practically duct-taped a kleenex box to my hip, needing it wherever I turned. I was coughing unproductively.

Anyway, sorry I am digressing as I am prone to do. March 31 I went for a retest of TMs. After all, being off H for so many mnths, I am especially vigilant, trying to keep ahead of any problems. My TMs went up and out of the normal range to 41. Yes, first I freaked out. Panicked. Onc said may have to return to H, that would be the worst case scenario. All other indications are that I am perfectly STABLE. But having tasted freedom, I didn't want the side effects of H that I now could clearly see and appreciate the absence of. No more hot flashes. No more bathroom drama (as long as I steer clear of my trigger foods, which I have learned to recognize). Plus -- i simply and slowly lost 20 lbs. However, obviously, if need be I would return to H, and make my every 3 wk journeys to the chemo rm if necessary. AND, I am humbly and genuinely grateful that H exists and that my body (and heart) basically tolerate the blessing of this fabulous drug and keep mets at bay for me! I am so lucky, but a tad greedy, yearning for my freedom to remain...

So, onc and I decided to retest in a mnth. At 2 wks I begged for just 1 more wk of waiting. And so it was. If I had to return to H, let's get moving!!!, was my thinking. I was sure my # would go up, but I prayed and meditated and spoke directly to my body ordering it to get it's act together anyway. I did suspect my 3 mnth illness could be the cause of the problem, but of course seriously worried my HER2 cells were out to cause mischief, coalesce and create something somewhere. Anywhere in fact. They have a passport to go where they like I believe.

A part of me considered that perhaps this was a message from the Universe telling me that I need to get back on H. So I stopped resisting. Still prayed, meditated and talked to my body, but was open to following wherever I was led.

Well my April 20 TM's shot WAY DOWN -- to 14! They ran the test a second time to be sure. I will naturally retest in another wk or so. I am still awaiting my HER2 serum bld test, just for further input.

I have some breathing space. I am even more fully enjoying each day and each relationship it is my good fortune to have in my life. I am thanking God for being alive, and feeling reinvigorated with more bliss and a degree of peaceful calm that had perhaps begun to slip away a bit over time.

I was originally dx in July of '95. My first grandchild, a girl, was born in '96, and I was blown away with the honor of witnessing her birth and her first breath. THANK YOU GOD FOR SUSTAINING ME AND ENABLING ME TO SEE THIS MOMENT. And now, I am a part of the planning for her Bat Mitzvah which will come a few mnths after her 13th birthday. I bought my dress.

This July will be 14 years of survival. With less than a 15% chance of being here, according to statistics (forget them!) -- I have miraculously held on to my desired destiny. That is with the help of: God, my Spirit, my Family and their love, my docs and nurses and of course Herceptin (and Dennis Slamon's devotion to developing it and making it available to all of us, despite the bureaucratic odds to the contrary of that happening)! I cherish each friendship I have.

I send loving energy to all of my Sisters and Brothers, as always...