[CourtneyL]

Just got the results back from my latest Brain MRI and I am feeling so many emotions - anger, fear, sadness, dispair, frustration. Why wouldn't the drugs work? What does this mean for my prognosis? Do I even want answers to these questions.

The MRI showed one new tumor (only a few milimeters big) and the same six tumors that were there before. Of those pre-existing ones, three of them are about 10% bigger. Effing cancer! I hate you! I hate what you have done to me and rest assured that you are an UNWELCOME invader whose days are number.

Meeting with a radiation oncologist at UCSF tomorrow to discuss options. I'm assuming he is going to recommend WBR although I would love to be able to just do Gamma. But I'm thinking I probably have too many mets for that. For those of you who have done it - any words of wisdom? Any advantage to doing stronger doses over a shorter time period or weaker doses spread out longer? Will I lose my hair? Will it grow back? I don't know why I just typed that. What do I care about hair when my brain is under attack and all I really want to do is live, bald or otherwise.

We're also going to meet with a doctor at UCSF who is in charge of clinical trials. If any of you know of any good ones that I might be eligible for, please let me know. It is overwhelming to search for them. I've tried several times.

I pray that I will be able to kick this and I hope that my goals are not unrealistic. I've read about many women successfully conquering brain mets, and I think, why can't that be me too, right? Or is my head just stuck way too deep in the sand. If it is, I kind of like it there. It is the only way I can deal with this now, especially with all the other women in my life gushing about their new babies. The only thing I have to gush about is this new effing tumor, and believe me, my gushing is more rage than anything else. I pray that God will allow me to continue to feel joy when I hold my baby niece on Easter Sunday and that if I do cry, they will be tears of joy for this new life that has come into our lives and not tears of pain and loss at what may never be for my husband and I.

Sorry for the long post. I just have so much running through my heart and mind right now. Oh, and the little girl found murdered in a drain ditch a few miles from her home, that was my hometown - Tracy, California. My mom taught at Sandra Cantu's elementary school. What is going on with our crazy world? Please God PLEASE bring us some joy. Our hearts are just breaking down here. Enough already.