[Darlene Denise]

Chrisy & Ladies:

I haven't posted lately, I have been preoccupied with LOSING MY MIND over the same scan anxiety issues. I had a post cyberknife follow up MRI on 03/02. I was determined not to take Atavan the night before and no Xanx the day of. It's a four hour drive to UNC and it felt like forty. It was evident that I should have taken something to calm my mind, my blood pressure was 201 over 97 when I arrived at the oncology clinic.

I felt sure my brain wouldn't even show up since I surely must have lost it with so much worry! But, no scarecrow news, I still have a brain and it is stable (my husband finds that debatable). Last MRI 12/29 showed one gone, seven stable and one 1mm spot, not certain , might be a blood vessel. I hope so, I need all the blood vessels up there I can get! The 3/02 MRI showed 2 more gone, the remaining 5 stable and the questionable 1 mm spot presented again with zero increase in size, so, still in question.

Of course like all of us, I was hoping for miraculous news, like, your MRI shows all of the lesions have disappeared! But in the real cancer world, I guess stable and shrinking is as good as it gets, so I'll run with it until my next one in 3 months. My blood pressure dropped right after they told me NO NEW LESIONS!! I was elated for about a day and then found myself gearing up with worry about the next damn scan. Such is life as the Queen of Cancer Kingdom.

No doubt, brain mets and the fear of possible brain mets can consume your every thought and it is tough to face the tests to rule them in or out. I applaud you, Chrisy, for being your own advocate and throwing in some "creative symptoms" to get the scan done. Better to catch them small in number and size and even better to not find them at all, which is what I wish for you!!!

I am thinking of all of you all of the time and am so proud of all of your bravery and intelligence!!

Post soon with "All Clear" results so I can be envyous and happy for you!!

Darlene in Virginia Beach