[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Maryls, my dear,

Please forgive my delayed reaction. I *saved* your response w/every intention of addressing the issue you brought up. It touched me, as it no doubt does others like US...

Survivor's guilt is real, but I pray you will come to see your situation differently. As I went in remission (in '99) yet continued as A REGULAR, reporting in for my every 3 wk Herceptin infusions, I noticed that I was so very blessed. I was, I suppose, the healthiest patient in the chemo room. As we all know, this is no place for a nice person to be. Staggering emotions and reactions surrounded me. Instead of feeling guilty for my good fortune, I found myself fill up with love, compassion and understanding (that only someone who's been there can attain).

So I set about trying to offer my best advice. Lessons learned as the increasingly professional patient I was becoming. Remedies I'd come upon for the various ailments. And, most definitely, my way of seeing my/our situation.

Those who resist our darned realities find themselves struggling and suffering. Their psychological battle often seem to spread to physical problems. You know, I do believe in the MINDBODY connection. And I have seen the correlation. It is my Truth.

I decidely chose to see my experience with what was clearly shock and awe chemo for me (my Taxotere ordeal). That freight train drug left me feeling like I was run over by a train. But, it also managed to annihilate my cancer cells! Bad news, good news. It was a means to an end. I viewed every throbbing pain, daily 30 minute bleeding nose, black and lifting fingernails, and on and on as matters I would surrender to in order to get to my desired goal. Taxotere was my ally! Not my poisonous enemy.

This state of inner openness brought me to a kind of elevated state of consciousness. I believe now in retrospect that it allowed me to connect with the sacred Soul I was given; that in fact I AM that sacred Soul! And that Awareness changed everything!

The thing is to consciously choose to focus on your the blessings you do have, not on what you grieve the loss of. I believe what we concentrate on all day is full of Energy. Thoughts and images are full of Energy. And they draw like Energy to you. So I committed myself to venting and divesting myself of all the obvious dark and scary thoughts and images and clearing the way for visions of my happiest dream scenario making its way to me...

Chemo nurses would seat the worst of the lot of walking wounded beside me, having heard me give pep talks ad nauseum. Friends began sending friends of theirs that I had never met to me (by phone) to try to inspire and support them. And going on this board, I try to continue to GIVE BACK. Not to feel guilty for being in remission, but with all the love in my heart to attempt to bring faith and belief to others. To let people know THE POWER OF OUR THOUGHTS, of our prayers and our acts of kindness.

This is what I wanted to tell you, Maryls. And to all our Sisters and Bros who are lurking and reading, and maybe sobbing too, I send you a way to find peace. God bless you...

SENDING PURE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO EACH OF YOU...