[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I will be eternally grateful to Dennis Slamon, who isolated the HEr2 gene, and helped develop Herceptin for Genentech (along w/Dr. Mark Pegram and others). They have surely saved my life!!

Throughout the years, i would be talking to friends and often somehow mention I had just had chemo. What do you mean?, they"d ask incredulously. You're still on that stuff!? How long has it been? I began in '98. They'd stare off, somewhat stunned by the length of time.

Then, they'd ask, How much longer do you have to stay on this chemo? I would pause, gathering their full attention, and say as calmly as I could, trying to relate my complete acceptance -- FOREVER... They'd each respond shaking their heads, looking away into space and repeating -- forever... Disbelief of course.

You see when I metastasized in '98, I was told grimly (by my New York onc who knew Paul and me well, since this bc thing began for me in '95) -- What you have is "inoperable, incurable... And you will be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of your life". I had 4th stage breast cancer. I was utterly demoralized.

But, with great effort and determination and as much grace as I could summon, I doggedly moved forward w/faith in my ability to SURVIVE. Of course, God, the Universe, my docs, nurses, Herceptin, even Taxotere, my supplements and wonderful *nut onc*, my meditation and guided imagery all countered in. And, as it turned out, the long term chemo was the *easy* chemo, the new monoclonal antibody that was tailor-made to correct this aggressive, malfunctioning gene. Just like a smart bomb!

It was then, for me, that I found that along with my terror (of cancer and real possibility of death) came a glorious reverence for Life and humble gratitude for my many blessings. This had all been somewhat obscured through the previous years. Not taken for granted, but underappreciated, if you will.

As fear and awe converged within me, a feeling of being more alive than ever before filled me up. I experienced a feeling of blissful Being engulfing me. It radiates from me I am told.

Now, I find myself digging to be brave once again. I've cut that umbilical cord, Steph -- you are so right. I wasn't ready till just recently. I am 3 yrs ahead of you. There is no right or wrong decision here. I am going with my gut, my Inner Voice, my instincts and the wisdom of extraordinary onc. There is no guarantee that comes with this choice. But I feel more confident and jubilant than I do fearful. I know I can always return to H, if (God forbid a gezillion times over) anything were to indicate such a need. I have not burned any bridges. Just shut the door ever so gently...

As always, I'm striving to focus my energy and my thoughts on the gift of each day, not on the possible loss of tomorrow. I am still talking to my body, and commanding it to stay well and healthy. NO MORE CANCER. I am clear on that.

I BELIEVE. Every thought is like a prayer. Every prayer is a potential miracle.

And I KNOW that every thought or whisper of my mind is in effect a direct command to my body. My body works with my mind, and KNOWS it is it's function to follow orders. So I am truly diligent about what I choose to dwell on each day.

Thank you all for *getting it*. My nurses were a bit frightened when I told them, but they support my decision. And, I feel fantastic!

I called my NY onc to fill him in and update him. He said firmly that he was delighted to hear from me and feels that I am going to do very well with my new plan. He is naturally gathering as much info on long term H users for his other patients. He believes I can do this.

I confided my thought process over this with Pinkie, to garner her valuable input. I was showered with flowers (all the way down here in Florida from up there in Canuckland where she lives) on THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. She so understood that THIS IS THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!! And, I know all of you can appreciate the gravity of my new Plan as well. Just had to share with all you fabulous people I have come to call more than Friends... Your words and sentiments have touched my heart profoundly. Thank you, thank you...

Andi