[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Oh, Jean! Every word you wrote speaks the words I have come to know so well. They dwell in my heart. Thank you, thank you for expressing my feelings for me so very eloquently.

I have been trying to process all that has happened this week. We have lost 3 beautiful, wonderful Spirits who have graced this board for a long while. These are Sisters we have come to know and have felt so blessed to have them in our lives. We must all remember to say THANK YOU for giving us this gift! Out of our cancer experience come the most amazing bittersweet realizations and relationships.

We grieve now, as a virtual community (as Flori has wisely noted). Our hearts go out to the families of our Kate, Michelle and Carol! We are struck by the unspeakable sadness of having a loved one rent away. We understand on a level that is incomparable, as we live in Cancerland...

May their families know that we have felt very much a part of these brave warriors' journey. We have done our best to support and inspire them, as they have with all of us. There simply is no place like our unique community. We share a bond that runs deep, at our core. We love these Sisters in a most profound way.

I have been silent for a bit, reaching for some way to deal with so much that is truly mournful to me. I have chosen not to succumb to the temptation to completely identify with these great ladies who have lost their fight for life. It is easy to say -- When will it be my turn? Too easy. I cannot allow fear to rule my life.

My dearest friend Sue was at times my staunchest supporter. Sometimes it felt as if she was actually a blood Sister whose heart beat in rhythm with mine. Other times she was like a mother who wanted to protect and shelter me. And I hope and believe she felt the same about me. I adored her.

Sue had a rare stomach cancer and fought for nearly 15 years. She went through numerous chemotherapies, transfusions, surgeries, PET scans (and you know the drill!). In time, she was in constant pain and no longer wanted to live. You know for a long while I tried to inspire her not to give up, to try Reiki, supplements, whatever I could think of. Finally, I accepted that in the end it was her life and I had to respect her decisions. This is agonizing when you love someone with all your heart. But I did it. For her.

Sue told me emphatically and repeatedly to listen carefully -- WHAT I HAVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE A VERY LONG TIME, ENJOY YOUR FAMILY, FINISH YOUR BOOK. YOU HAVE A LOT OF LIVING YET TO DO. When she died a few years ago I was devastated. But I remembered her oft told words. And I offer the same to all of you right now, my Sisters on this board.

We all know that though we each have been dx with bc, that we are HER2+, each of our cancers is different. There are so very many variables. We cannot compare apples to oranges. I had the roughest of times with Taxotere. It brought me to my knees. While others had milder side effects. Every tx, every drug we ingest effects one differently than another. This is what worked for my diarrhea, constipation, nausea, and so on. We try it and find, Yes, this is great. Or, No it did nothing for me.

So my point is that we must not look at this last week full of the worst of news and think the worst for ourselves. We must not compare what we have with what they (our Kate, Michelle and Carol) had. Each of us in unique. Each cancer is unlike any other. Each reaction and/or result differs.

And, truth be told, the greatest tribute to these valiant women is to consciously choose to live each day with zest and gratitude, love and joy. That is what they would want for us. To hate this disease called cancer, or to rail at the unfairness of it, does no good and in fact does terrible harm to our very Souls.

These fallen soldiers were killed in this war and our hearts are nearly broken that such fine and gentle Spirits have passed on (to what I believe is Heaven, or the Spiritual Realm). I know they suffer no more, that they are at peace and with God. That their loved ones will one day see them and be united with them again.

At the same time as I feel a burgeoning heaviness in my chest over the loss to this world, I will wake up tomorrow, remember them with great fondness and extraordinary admiration and then I will say, Thank you for this day. I will say it before I get out of bed. I will say it as my right foot touches the floor. I will say it as my left foot touches the floor. As I brush my teeth. And by the time I am clean, coifed, made up, dressed and ready to face the world I will have said THANK YOU 100 times.

It is now up to us to fight on, in their names, in their honor. I know it is what they would wish for us. Not to give in, never to give up. They each said it in a thousand ways and I for one will never forget the beauty of their natures. I will embrace the message and carry on... Just some things for you to think about, that I pray will ease your pain my sweet Sisters. I just felt I had to share... With big (cyber) hugs I wish I could deliver in person to each and every one of you...
Andi