HER2 Support Group Forums - View Single Post - Major fall out with my mother..long

Hi Sherry-
Family dynamics are intense. The feelings run deep - the love and pain like no other.

Your family is in such a unique situation with both your mother's "children" being threatened by cancer. BUT BUT BUT that does not give your mom a special pass to be abusive-rude-ugly-etc. From what you wrote your mom is way out of line and that seems like a life-long way for her. I don't know if you can "rescue" your brother from your mother's nasty ways.

I cannot address the entire situation but can offer my support to you by saying what I would do in your shoes.

I would head straight to my therapist's office to get support and help on setting my boundaries and finding the right words to say to my mom that addressed MY feelings. You cannot change her but you can change your response and stop accommodating her needs over your own.

You cannot possibly "fix" the whole situation but you can make immediate changes in how it feels to you-including how it feels to hold in your true feelings all your life.

Maybe this time in your life is an opportunity for you to get your relationship with your mom worked out.

So that's my two cents. And also just know that ALL families have their drama

xo Flori

__________________
1996 cancer WTF?! 1.3 cm lumpectomy Er/Pr neg. Her2+ (20nodes NEGATIVE) did CMF + rads. NED.
2002 recurrence. Bilateral mastectomy w/TFL autologous recon. Then ACx2. Skin lymphatic rash. Taxotere w/Herceptin x4. Herceptin/Xeloda. Finally stops spreading.
2003 - Back to surgery, remove skin mets, and will have surgery one week later when pathology can confirm margins.
‘03 latisimus dorsi flap to remove skin mets. CLEAN MARGINS. Continue single agent Herceptin thru 4/04. NED.
‘04 '05 & 06 tiny recurrences - scar line. surgery to cut out. NED each time.
1/2006 Rads again, to scar line. NED.

3/07 Heartbreaking news - mets! lungs.sternum. Try Tykerb/Xeloda. Tykerb/Carbo/Gemzar. Switch Oncs.
12/07 Herceptin.Tykerb. Markers go stable.
2/8/08 gamma knife 13mm stupid brain met.
3/08 Herceptin/tykerb/avastin/zometa.
3/09 brain NED. Lungs STABLE.
4/09 attack sternum (10 daysPHOTONS.5 days ELECTRONS)
9/09 MARKERS normal!
3/10 PET/CT=manubrium intensely metabolically active but stable. NEDhead.
Wash out 5/10 for tdm1 but 6/10 CT STABLE, PET improving. Markers normal. Brain NED. Resume just Herceptin plus ZOMETA
Dec 2010 Brain NED, lungs/sternum stable. markers normal.
MAR 2011 stop Herceptin/allergy! Go back on Tykerb and switch to Xgeva.
May-Aug 2011 Tykerb Herceptin Xgeva.
Sept 2011 Tykerb, Herceptin, Zometa, Avastin.
April 2012 sketchy drug trial in NYC. 6 weeks later I’m NED!
OCT 2012 PET/CT shows a bunch of freakin’ progression. Back to LA and Herceptin.avastin.zometa.
12/20/12 add in PERJETA!
March 2013 – 5 YEARS POST continue HAPZ
APRIL 2013 - 6 yrs stage 4. "FAILED" PETscan on 4/2/13
May 2013: rePetted - improvement in lungs, left adrenal stable, right 6th rib inactive, (must be PERJETA avastin) sternum and L1 fruckin'worsen. Drop zometa. ADD Xgeva. Doc says get rads consultant for L1 and possible biopsy of L1. I say, no thanks, doc. Lets see what xgeva brings to the table first. It's summer.
June-August 2013HAPX Herceptin Avastin Perjeta xgeva.
Sept - now - on chemo hold for calming tummy we hope. Markers stable for 2 months.
Nov 2013 - Herceptin-Perjeta-Avastin-Xgeva (collageneous colitis, which explains tummy probs, added Entocort)
December '13 BRAIN MRI ned in da head.
Jan 2014: CONTINUING on HAPX…
FEB 2014 PetCT clinical “impression”: 1. newbie nodule - SUV 1.5 right apical nodule, mildly hypermetabolic “suggestive” of worsening neoplastic lesion. 2. moderate worsening of the sternum – SUV 5.6 from 3.8
3. increasing sclerosis & decreasing activity of L1 met “suggests” mild healing. (SUV 9.4 v 12.1 in May ‘13)
4. scattered lung nodules, up to 5mm in size = stable, no increased activity
5. other small scattered sclerotic lesions, one in right iliac and one in thoracic vertebral body similar in appearance to L1 without PET activity and not clearly pathologic
APRIL 2014 - 6 YRS POST GAMMA ZAP, 7 YRS MBC & 18 YEARS FROM ORIGINAL DX!
October 2014: hold avastin, continue HPX
Feb 2015 Cancer you lost. NEDHEAD 7 years post gamma zap miracle, 8 years ST4, +19 yrs original diagnosis.
Continue HPX. Adding back Avastin
Nov 2015 pet/ct is mixed result. L1 SUV is worse. Continue Herceptin/avastin/xgeva. Might revisit Perjeta for L1. Meantime going for rads consult for L1
December 2015 - brain stable. Continue Herceptin, Perjeta, Avastin and xgeva.
Jan 2016: 5 days, 20 grays, Rads to L1 and continue on HAPX. I’m trying to "save" TDM1 for next line. Hope the rads work to quiet L1. Sciatic pain extraordinaire :((
Markers drop post rads.
2/24/16 HAP plus X - markers are down
SCIATIC PAIN DEAL BREAKER.
3/23/16 Laminectomy w/coflex implant L4/5. NO MORE SCIATIC PAIN!!! Healing.
APRIL 2016 - 9 YRS MBC
July 2016 - continue HAP plus Xgeva.
DEC 2016 - PETCT: mets to sternum, lungs, L1 still about the same in size and PET activity. Markers not bad. Not making changes if I don't need to. Herceptin/Perjeta/Avastin/Xgeva
APRIL 2017 10 YEARS MBC
December 2017 - Progression - gonna switch it up
FEB 2018 - Kadcyla 3 cycles ---->progression :(
MAY30th - bronchoscopy, w/foundation1 - her2 enriched
Aug 27, 2018 - start clinical trial ZW25
JAN 2019 - ZW25 seems to be keeping me stable
APRIL 2019 - ONE DOZEN YEARS LIVING METASTATIC
MAY 2019 - progression back on herceptin add xeloda
JUNE 2019 - "6 mos average survival" LMD & CNS new single brain met - one zap during 5 days true beam SBRT to cord met
10/30/19 - stable brain and cord. progression lungs and bones. washing out. applying for ds8201a w nivolumab. hope they take me.
12/27/19 - begin ds8401a w nivolumab. after 2nd cycle nodes melt away. after 3rd cycle chest scan shows Improvement, brain MRI shows improvement, resolved areas & nothing new. switch to plain ENHERTU. after 4th cycle, PETscan shows mostly resolved or improved results. Markers near normal. I'm stunned but grateful.
10/26/20 - June 2021 Tucatinib/xeloda/herceptin - stable ish.

03-11-2008, 08:58 AM	#5
SoCalGal Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: LA LA Land Posts: 1,607	Hi Sherry- Family dynamics are intense. The feelings run deep - the love and pain like no other. Your family is in such a unique situation with both your mother's "children" being threatened by cancer. BUT BUT BUT that does not give your mom a special pass to be abusive-rude-ugly-etc. From what you wrote your mom is way out of line and that seems like a life-long way for her. I don't know if you can "rescue" your brother from your mother's nasty ways. I cannot address the entire situation but can offer my support to you by saying what I would do in your shoes. I would head straight to my therapist's office to get support and help on setting my boundaries and finding the right words to say to my mom that addressed MY feelings. You cannot change her but you can change your response and stop accommodating her needs over your own. You cannot possibly "fix" the whole situation but you can make immediate changes in how it feels to you-including how it feels to hold in your true feelings all your life. Maybe this time in your life is an opportunity for you to get your relationship with your mom worked out. So that's my two cents. And also just know that ALL families have their drama xo Flori __________________ 1996 cancer WTF?! 1.3 cm lumpectomy Er/Pr neg. Her2+ (20nodes NEGATIVE) did CMF + rads. NED. 2002 recurrence. Bilateral mastectomy w/TFL autologous recon. Then ACx2. Skin lymphatic rash. Taxotere w/Herceptin x4. Herceptin/Xeloda. Finally stops spreading. 2003 - Back to surgery, remove skin mets, and will have surgery one week later when pathology can confirm margins. ‘03 latisimus dorsi flap to remove skin mets. CLEAN MARGINS. Continue single agent Herceptin thru 4/04. NED. ‘04 '05 & 06 tiny recurrences - scar line. surgery to cut out. NED each time. 1/2006 Rads again, to scar line. NED. 3/07 Heartbreaking news - mets! lungs.sternum. Try Tykerb/Xeloda. Tykerb/Carbo/Gemzar. Switch Oncs. 12/07 Herceptin.Tykerb. Markers go stable. 2/8/08 gamma knife 13mm stupid brain met. 3/08 Herceptin/tykerb/avastin/zometa. 3/09 brain NED. Lungs STABLE. 4/09 attack sternum (10 daysPHOTONS.5 days ELECTRONS) 9/09 MARKERS normal! 3/10 PET/CT=manubrium intensely metabolically active but stable. NEDhead. Wash out 5/10 for tdm1 but 6/10 CT STABLE, PET improving. Markers normal. Brain NED. Resume just Herceptin plus ZOMETA Dec 2010 Brain NED, lungs/sternum stable. markers normal. MAR 2011 stop Herceptin/allergy! Go back on Tykerb and switch to Xgeva. May-Aug 2011 Tykerb Herceptin Xgeva. Sept 2011 Tykerb, Herceptin, Zometa, Avastin. April 2012 sketchy drug trial in NYC. 6 weeks later I’m NED! OCT 2012 PET/CT shows a bunch of freakin’ progression. Back to LA and Herceptin.avastin.zometa. 12/20/12 add in PERJETA! March 2013 – 5 YEARS POST continue HAPZ APRIL 2013 - 6 yrs stage 4. "FAILED" PETscan on 4/2/13 May 2013: rePetted - improvement in lungs, left adrenal stable, right 6th rib inactive, (must be PERJETA avastin) sternum and L1 fruckin'worsen. Drop zometa. ADD Xgeva. Doc says get rads consultant for L1 and possible biopsy of L1. I say, no thanks, doc. Lets see what xgeva brings to the table first. It's summer. June-August 2013HAPX Herceptin Avastin Perjeta xgeva. Sept - now - on chemo hold for calming tummy we hope. Markers stable for 2 months. Nov 2013 - Herceptin-Perjeta-Avastin-Xgeva (collageneous colitis, which explains tummy probs, added Entocort) December '13 BRAIN MRI ned in da head. Jan 2014: CONTINUING on HAPX… FEB 2014 PetCT clinical “impression”: 1. newbie nodule - SUV 1.5 right apical nodule, mildly hypermetabolic “suggestive” of worsening neoplastic lesion. 2. moderate worsening of the sternum – SUV 5.6 from 3.8 3. increasing sclerosis & decreasing activity of L1 met “suggests” mild healing. (SUV 9.4 v 12.1 in May ‘13) 4. scattered lung nodules, up to 5mm in size = stable, no increased activity 5. other small scattered sclerotic lesions, one in right iliac and one in thoracic vertebral body similar in appearance to L1 without PET activity and not clearly pathologic APRIL 2014 - 6 YRS POST GAMMA ZAP, 7 YRS MBC & 18 YEARS FROM ORIGINAL DX! October 2014: hold avastin, continue HPX Feb 2015 Cancer you lost. NEDHEAD 7 years post gamma zap miracle, 8 years ST4, +19 yrs original diagnosis. Continue HPX. Adding back Avastin Nov 2015 pet/ct is mixed result. L1 SUV is worse. Continue Herceptin/avastin/xgeva. Might revisit Perjeta for L1. Meantime going for rads consult for L1 December 2015 - brain stable. Continue Herceptin, Perjeta, Avastin and xgeva. Jan 2016: 5 days, 20 grays, Rads to L1 and continue on HAPX. I’m trying to "save" TDM1 for next line. Hope the rads work to quiet L1. Sciatic pain extraordinaire :(( Markers drop post rads. 2/24/16 HAP plus X - markers are down SCIATIC PAIN DEAL BREAKER. 3/23/16 Laminectomy w/coflex implant L4/5. NO MORE SCIATIC PAIN!!! Healing. APRIL 2016 - 9 YRS MBC July 2016 - continue HAP plus Xgeva. DEC 2016 - PETCT: mets to sternum, lungs, L1 still about the same in size and PET activity. Markers not bad. Not making changes if I don't need to. Herceptin/Perjeta/Avastin/Xgeva APRIL 2017 10 YEARS MBC December 2017 - Progression - gonna switch it up FEB 2018 - Kadcyla 3 cycles ---->progression :( MAY30th - bronchoscopy, w/foundation1 - her2 enriched Aug 27, 2018 - start clinical trial ZW25 JAN 2019 - ZW25 seems to be keeping me stable APRIL 2019 - ONE DOZEN YEARS LIVING METASTATIC MAY 2019 - progression back on herceptin add xeloda JUNE 2019 - "6 mos average survival" LMD & CNS new single brain met - one zap during 5 days true beam SBRT to cord met 10/30/19 - stable brain and cord. progression lungs and bones. washing out. applying for ds8201a w nivolumab. hope they take me. 12/27/19 - begin ds8401a w nivolumab. after 2nd cycle nodes melt away. after 3rd cycle chest scan shows Improvement, brain MRI shows improvement, resolved areas & nothing new. switch to plain ENHERTU. after 4th cycle, PETscan shows mostly resolved or improved results. Markers near normal. I'm stunned but grateful. 10/26/20 - June 2021 Tucatinib/xeloda/herceptin - stable ish.