[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Vanessa,

I just wanted you to know I am keeping up on you and praying for kinder, gentler reaction to all you have been bombarded with. You are amazing! Flori's post reminded me that I had to take 2 Prilosec at a time on chemo. My doc suggested it and it made a huge diff. I took Zofran for major nausea and Phenergan for lesser nausea. There is no good nausea. It is horrid. So my heart goes out to you. I ate saltines and salty things which I think helped. The Phenergan is good to take before going to sleep. I know what you mean. I'm straining my brain to remember for you. Of course others take Compazine and Kytril which did not work for me, but might for you. You reminded me of the toothbrushing trial 2X a day, or more. I used to stop and take deep breaths, trying to calm myself, half expecting what was about to come and/or never seemed to fail to come. I do think the breathing, relaxing helped the gagging. I never actually threw up, but then wondered if I had if I'd have felt better. We do the best we can. Can't ask for more.

I am praying that you can withstand all that is being thrown at you. You are such a remarkable Spirit. Your attitude is beyond stupendous. I know you do everything and then some. This may be a time to slow your pace and allow your body to heal and fight the side effects. You deserve some major coddling, hugging and pampering, Vanessa. I love your smile and your never give up strength. I'm not asking you to give up by any stretch of the imagination. Just BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Be your own best friend. Do for yourself what you would suggest to someone you dearly loved!

Please keep us posted. I look for word of you all the time. You are a most special lady, treasured by your Sisters dearly. We are here for you. Someone is always awake I think. If not this one, that. So you're pretty much covered. Know that we all want to help. I am searching for words to touch you with some serenity. I know the road is rock-strewn and you feel barefoot, but I believe your dreams lie at the end of this path. You are in a process, a spiritual unfolding, enduring an exact combination of drugs to eradicate those dysfunctional cells in their tracks! We each are willing to risk the certain and the uncertain to go after our dream. In '98 with Herceptin, blind faith led me and urged me to carry on no matter what, through the Taxotere and its horrid hardships. It would be all worth it in the end when I claimed victory. It will be the same for you, Vanessa. This will all be worth the precarious, choppy trek to your prevailing! Feel it making its way to you. KNOW it is yours. I can only give you my experience and the Lessons I learned to help you cope and try to guide you through this daunting journey. Mine was different and yet the same. We can each relate to one another's struggle. Surely I feel you, through your words, and my arms are out, wanting to hug you close. Not to make you cry, but to let you know I care, I truly care. I feel swept up in emotion, wanting to make it all right for you...

Try to focus on one step at a time. If you look too far ahead, you will feel overwhelmed, I have learned. Zen proverb -- THE DEER HUNTER DOES NOT NOTICE THE MOUNTAINS. Hone in on what you must do and tune out all the rest. That's the best I can come up with right now. Wish I had a magic formula to send in to the vapors just for you, to give you instantaneous remission. Patience is a virtue, and so unattainable for me. In time, sweet Sister, what you want will come. Sending you courage, which you are already in possession of, but maybe need a little extra right now, at this so very difficult time. It is obvious you are full of grace. I admire you more than you can know.

With love, Vanessa,
Andi