[Sandy in Silicon Valley]

Hi, Sherry -

I can certainly relate to how hurt and angered you are as a result of your brother's decision to leave you and your husband, who've been there for him through his illness, out of his will. My mother was cut out of her father's will, in favor of her brother, who was always in trouble and in need. I'm sure that both my sister and I will be cut out of our parents' will, because we've refused to put up with their abusive b.s. over recent years. And I've cut my oldest daughter out of my will, because she knows that she betrayed my trust two years ago, and refuses to acknowledge my hurt or apologize for her actions.

It occurs to me that the excuse that you don't "need" the money may be a cover-up - afterall, many people leave inheritances to people who don't apparently "need" more wealth.

Perhaps, instead, your brother is (unconsciously or consciously) angry that he is dependent on you and your husband - most men's egos really suffer from their loss of independence. Or maybe that he feels that you will outlive him and go on to have a good life, unlike your ne'er do well siblings, whom he needn't envy. So he justifies not having to "help" you keep living any better than you already are...

Karl Marx, the so-called Father of modern Communism, wrote: "To each according to his need, from each according to his ability." It seems that your brother is following this dictim in his will, though it's likely he doesn't sympathize with the politics or economics of communist idealogy.

You might consider letting him know that YOU plan to write your will by some other idealogy - like fairness, equity, or based on merit, and you wish he'd do the same, since you feel hurt that he's left you out entirely. More boldly, if you're energized and righteously indignant enough to carry it off, you might suggest to him what YOU'd think was fair (like an itemized accounting for the expenses you've incurred while taking care of him, that you might have otherwise spent - including hourly wages for yourself and your husband - on your own recreation).

In the end, you may not succeed in changing your brother's mind, or will, but I agree that letting hurt and anger simmer, unexpressed, is usually harder on us than finding a way to be honest about our negative feelings. Especially if you have no intention of bailing on him at this point (which, truthfully, I might do if I were in your shoes... My motto often is: Don't get mad, get even!), think of all that resentment you'd be stuffing as you chauffeur him here and there and provide emotional support.

(((hugs))) & wishes for your successful resolution of a painful dilemma,
Sandy in Silicon Valley