[Andrea Barnett Budin]

AN ESSAY ON *POSITIVITY*. I HAVE GROWN TO HATE THAT WORD! It's like being a *liberal* nowadays. Has come to sound like a dirty word. I am a cheery person by nature. I joke midst most ordeals. Pinkie, you label your sense of humor *strange*. Maybe that's what I love about it. I'm a bit strange myself! I just seem to put a positive spin on life's obstacles. Though I can't find one at the moment re my low HGB count. There's nothing funny about feeling like your life is in the toilet. I just post, and whine. So yesterday, I took the bull by the horns and called my cancer center! I spoke to someone who knows someone about my desperation for energy. Long story, won't bore y'all with right now. Only if you ask... Tehehe.

And no cheery side to losing a long list of loved people to bc, or ca in or anything for that matter. In the last 2 yrs I have lost dozens!!!!!!!!! I have wrestled w/my sorrow, my sense of loss, my consternation w/those who had The very best of attitudes, and a young child who passionately motivated her to stay here... What went wrong???? Surely she did her 6 verys best to hang in! This I KNOW and BELIEVE and feel blown away by, esp. It tampers w/my belief system.

I believe -- what you think about all day determines how you will feel. If you are wallowing in self-pity (like me midst my total lack of energy despite my supplements) and sorrow (that I can even pretend to be normal at this low level) -- I will feel MISERABLE. I think the quote is something like pain and suffering are a part of Life, but MISERY is a CHOICE! I am soooo aware of that. AND, I believe that what we occupy ourselves all day, what we dwell upon -- predicts outcome. I KNOW I can do this, I will survive, I will be victorious -- that's what every *winner* thinks and believes with all their heart, down to their core. It predominates their dreams and takes over their life in big and the tiniest of ways. And, this in turn, makes you feel in control, joyful and serene, KNOWing that you have the power to call what you want to you!

When I have dark thoughts, and of course I have them, I experience them as quickly as possible and then move forward and upward. I made an appt for next yrs mammog and said a silent prayer that I should live and be well. My granddaughter will graduate from middle school in 20??? and I want to be there, but WILL I BE THERE POUNDS AT ME, intimidating me into submission. Then, I move on to, YES, I WILL BE THERE! I WILL BE STRONG AND HEALTHY. NO MORE CANCER. I say this to myself all day, every day. I remain on guard duty, trolling for the tiniest hint of darkness, I claim them as they are mine. I know they need HEALING. I experience the ugly ideas and the emotions that go along w/them and then I shove them over a cliff w/ev oz of strength I can muster (like lifting a car off your child IF GOD FORBID A HUNDRED GEZILLION TIMES SUCH A THING SHOULD HAPPEN). You could do it if you HAD to. That's how I see gloomy thoughts. They must go. I have no room in my life for them. They are poisonous and I will not allow them to pollute the blessing of my life.

I have gone deep within since childhood (when I lived in fear of the next, regular, uproar emoting from my father). I lived among landmines. I learned to be brave and strong. I would go, or run, to the bathroom, close and lock the door in one motion, and go within. I now know that what I was doing was connecting with my Spirit. It is wise and knowing. It wants what you want. It nourishes you and guides you. It has the power to instruct your mind to command your body to do its bidding. If you tell your body (even in whispers) that you can see the handwriting on the wall, that you know your time here is limited -- your body will accommodate that line of thinking. So we must be very careful what we feel our mind!

I, like Brenda, live each to the fullest, and that changes from day to day. The last few wks, since returning from NY w/a cold/flu, coupled w/low for ME HGB count, I have lived in a nightgown. A few days, I put makeup on. A few days, I pushed really really hard and went to see my grandkids, though I was sad that I couldn't bring myself to hug and kiss them for fear I would make them sick. I LOVE THEIR HUGS AND KISSES! They soothe my Soul and lift my spirits. I had to be content w/gazing upon them... Bummer.

I do believe that we are written in the Book Of Life, but that their are several paths we can take. We have been given the power of choice, and the power of our thoughts to call our desired destiny to us, even against all odds! Our faith must be strong and intense to achieve this, but it can be done. I, like Brenda (and I am a whole lot older than she) am on the 50 yr plan, regardless. I see myself far, far in to the future. My picture on the Schmucker's jam jar w/little old Williard Scott pronouncing me 101 or whatever. At my grandchildren's weddings (including the 1 yr old). A great grandmother (or *Mima*) as my grandbabies call me. I'm sorry but I do not relinquish what I see as my God-given powers to be the captain of my fate, the master of my soul (just as the poem Invictus suggests)! I'm no cutsy little cheerleader, I am an empowered Soul, full of the divine energy of my Creator. I am learning to evolve and grow, gleaning Lessons along the way, as I was always intended to do. Scientists tell us even geniuses use only 95% of their brains. Surely, we are meant to come out of embryonic phase of being and move to expand our awareness and our ability to control our lives with greater impact, to begin to utilize the unused portions of our brains and claim our truest destiny.

Sorry, if I sound like I'm lecturing. I am just so very passionate about my beliefs. I do feel more energized as I type these words! Thanks for hearing me out, and for the LIFT! Life is awesome...
Andi