[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Bonnie, Glad you could reap some benefit from my experience. Before bc I thought I would live to be 100 and never take more than an aspirin. I would look at all the pills older people were taking and wonder what that was all about. When I was a newbie, I was all about thinking that I'd do the chemo and soldier through. Bite the bullet.

Then came the nausea! And the pain. And the frequent moments of being overwhelmed. I was facing my own mortality and I thought I could do it on my own. I found talking to those who've been there (and w/a stellar attitude) great to talk my feelings through with. And I found writing to be cathartic. Immensely so. My daughters were helpful, as they were full of love and their own fear and much support, which touched me deeply. They would relate in a general way when facing a major adversity. One extremely logical and compassionate. The other is definitely an old Soul with this spiritual way of perceiving things and a unique, gentle wisdom that stirs people. My husband was great but obviously more scared than I was. I did everything that needing doing that I was too weak to tackle and took me to every doc and test and tx -- standing stalwartly by my side. But his face! I kept asking him, Do you know something I don't know? We'd made a pact that there would be totally open honest communication between us, as had been the case all our *normal* lives together. He is the Duke of Gloom and so cynical and pessimistic, the Yin to my Yang, as I cannot stop being hopeful. It comes from my core.

But I embraced Zofran (the big guns) for the nausea, and Phenergan which worked best for me when I was just generally queasy. Night and day. Sooo much better w/these aids. Then came the sleepless nights. Then I was reading about studies that say those who work the night shift have (I keep forgetting -- is elevated or diminished) T cell counts, indicating a compromised immune system. People who do not sleep at night heal more slowly. So I set about to ask for sleeping aids (Ambien, whatever) and make it MY DUTY to get a good night's sleep every night. Lord knows I feel beyond lousy and non-functioning the day after I've been strolling through the house till 3:, 4: or 5: AM. Who wouldn't?

And I am eternally grateful for my Dr. MJ, or just plain MJ, as he calls himself when he calls. This is MJ. I just love that man! He is brilliant, kind, thoughtful, caring, cutting edge aggressive yet totally compassionate. He hears every word you say, and intimate, and responds immediately. He returns calls the same day, no matter what. He travels the country, and the world, attending, or giving, lectures and specializes in bc and lung. He can remember every detail of my med history to this day without looking at my chart (as far back as '95) and he is busy w/a horde of other patients. He has called me from airports to just check in and see how I'm doing! And when I failed to call back (the # I wrote down led me to some Chinese restaurant) -- he called the next day! You didn't call me back. I explained. He laughed. I had the right #; it was some fluke. But, the point is, he followed up. So when MJ says, You know they give medals out for bravery in this, I heard him. And I have found that advice to be irreplaceable.

I, like many, felt I'd become addicted or something. On the contrary, I take what I need and need what I take and I am functioning without pain or despair. I am the true me and for a while there I couldn't be, I was so inundated with feelings of I don't think I can do this and grave uncertainty, believing I was walking hand in hand w/death. With med help, I have the strength to work through those feelings (talking and writing) and then discarding them. Then, when I am free to connect with my Spirit, this magical power infuses me with what I call pure, unconditional Universal Love. Life becomes more beautiful than ever before and ATTAINABLE, within my reach. I can feel the sacredness of each day and I rejoice over each. I am filled w/joy and the serenity comes with the faith in my heart that I am empowered to help heal my body, command my body to do a better job. And all of us have this power! We have only to claim. It was given to us a our birthright, as we were born into this world. And we are meant to evolve to come to understand and utilize what scientists say is the UNUSED 95% OF OUR BRAINS. Surely we were meant to grow and become all we can.

Forgive my usual rambling. I just always seem to have to much more I want to say. Wanting to empower every one of us! With much loving energy...
Andi