Oh dear, Leslie. I so ache for you. When I metastasized I reacted much as you are now. I was in such shock, believing I had daily warded off all the nasty feelings. I did, as you say, express them, talking them out w/someone who had been there (like my precious friend Sue, who was also wise and had the best sense of humor). I also wrote my feelings out. Journalling. This is another method of experiencing and then divesting yourself of what you are truly feeling. Fear. Doubt. Uncertainty. Anger. I was still stuck in the inability to forgive. Hadn't quite learned that Lesson yet. But the mets brought me there! And, I did have to ask for HELP.
I just read that the 3 hardest things for a human to say are -- I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY. And HELP. I would add a 4th -- I FORGIVE YOU. I have managed the first quite nicely, feeling full to overflowing, living w/an open heart and receiving pure unconditional Universal love in infinite supply. Plenty to share. And I am feeling quite generous w/it, giving it away easily. I also asked for HELP from my onc. This came as Zoloft, an anti-depressant, which made me feel like ME again! I became happy and finally serene, knowing I was doing everything I possibly could to call my desired destiny to me. I also took Ativan, as needed. When I became unusually panicked by something I read or heard, it would take the edge off and let me DEAL reasonably. I never denied my emotions, as that is quite unhealthy and unproductive. You must work through them. And then, reprogram your mental chatter with thoughts such as I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS. I WILL GET THROUGH THIS AND LIVE AND LONG, HEALTHY LIFE. I WILL HEAL. NO MORE CANSER! These are the equivalent of instructions from your mind to your body. They are inextricably connected. The body does as the mind directs. It takes everything you say, think, whisper or whisk by unconsciously very seriously. So I do monitor my thoughts as best I can. It is a 24/7 job, but grows easier w/time as w/all things. Practice makes perfect. I do not force myself to keep a smile on my face, but it does naturally appear daily along with my perspective.
I returned from NY w/a horrid cold/flu. Honestly felt like I was dying. Like I did on Taxotere, the worst of all the chemos I've been on. I had a truly tough time, incurring every possible side effect w/a vengeance. My chest was so congested I thought perhaps I should call my cardiologist or go to the emergency room. An elephant was sitting on my chest. I told this to my Calif daughter, Pami. She said my body was purging itself of all that was unwanted. I do know that psychology expresses itself in our physiology. I was very angst ridden w/3 mnths of Paul's illness and his trips to the emergency room multiple X, fear of his having a stroke (in his 6 unconscious episodes), fear of his having another episode each time he stood, fear of renal failure, seeing him in such excruiciating pain for so many wks and how that impacted me, etc. Then came Pami w/my 1 and 3 yr old grandsons and hubby staying w/me for 3 wks. Fabulous, but wearing. Then came packing (I just hate traveling). Then came the wonderful whirlwind of fun and loving, hugs and kisses and docs and tests and repacking and traveling again. So all that could explain my sickness. When I viewed my sickness as my purging myself of all the stress and fear and such, I felt better.
I do believe that what we think all day determines how we will *feel*. And, I believe that what we dwell on predicts outcome. Which is incentive to experience what is horrid and unwanted, work through it, recognize it and then kick it in the butt goodbye, like it's a live grenade. Toxic waste. Lest it poison you or cause you to implode.
Leslie, I feel you will work through your trials, which are certainly understandable. You have been through so much. And I am so very sorry you had to endure it all. It is more than any one person should be handed. But, I also know you are a strong and bright woman. A beautiful Spirit and a determined Soul. My money is on you, Leslie. You will survive this. And you will thrive and create beautiful works of art for many to be touched by. I look forward to that. I know you have many projects in mind. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Be good to yourself. And, remember it is okay to ask for a little help too.
If sleep is a problem, and it is for just about every woman I know, w/bc or not, you owe it to yourself to find an aid. Studies show that a good nights' sleep is essential to wellness. Even those who are healthy but work night shifts regularly have been studied and have more illness and less recovery than those who get a good nights' sleep and work just as hard by day. I have read these studies over the years, and have decided that I owe it to myself to get a good nights rest. I am virtually useless without it. And I can be walking around the house till 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning w/o med assistance. I guess I sound like I'm pushing pills, but my fav onc told me that I should not suffer! That if there is a pill for pain, for making me chemically balanced and cheerful, or helping me to get my sleep, I should not deny myself. I should be good to myself. He (Dr. MJ) told me, They don't give medals to those who suffer, you know. Then he smiled his gentle, warm smile. And I knew he meant what he said, because he is both brilliant and dependably honest. So, this is what I am saying to you, Leslie.
Sending much love, a big hug and energy full of wellness and joy... You are in my thoughts and in my prayers!!
Andi 