[Sandy in Silicon Valley]

Hi, Leslie -

From the 8 months of treatment you've just gone through - I think it would be a wayyy overly high expectation of yourself (and/or others' expectation of you!) to feel all strong and energetic and ready to face the world right now.

What I believe is, it takes time for both our bodies and our minds/emotions to heal from undergoing the major trauma that a bc diagnosis, drug treatment (with its side effects, often) and surgery can often be. And that our bodies/souls recover at different speeds and with different kinds of assistance.

For me, in order to get through it, to where I am now (which isn't always hunky-dorry, but close to "normal" ups and downs and a bit lower energy level while I'm still in treatment), I had to feel and express and behave according to the negative feelings that sometimes threatened to overwhelm me. There just, for me, was no getting around, or over, "it", until AFTER I'd recognized and dealt with the legitimate, very real hurt, anger, frustration, feelings - like that my body had betrayed me, I must have somehow unknowingly contributed to my disease, etc.

For some of us, maybe there's a "mind over matter" solution - think happy thoughts, and you'll be happy. Simple, right? For others of us, that strategy just doesn't work (I know- I've been in therapy for years at a stretch, have taken anti-depressive drugs - which can work to take the "edge" off and seem fairly functional while dealing with emotional pain BTW, I have sat (but not for long) in support groups that discourage "moanin' and bitchin' ", I've tried and dropped out of a 6 week "Mindful Meditation" program that felt too directive and foreign to my natural oppositional streak, etc.

What helped me were:
*TIME! Time to grieve my losses (especially after dx with metastatic bc), time to figure out how to deal with drug & tx side effects (physical therapy, drugs to help me sleep when Decadron - given with Taxotere - was keeping me awake and jittery, changing and then eliminating anti-depressive meds when I got anxious, finding exercise I could do and enjoy)

*Supportive and patient friends and husband, who accepted my unhappiness as normal for my physical situation, and loved me just as I was - even morose and grumpy, and didn't try to "jolly me up" or tell me to get over it, just b/c it wasn't so easy on them.

*Experimentation - little by little, by trial and error, trying out which activities deserved and rewarded my energies, how much paid work I could reasonably accomplish and still feel good about doing, which foods tasted best during chemo treatments, which kind of touch was most soothing, how much rest and sleep I needed to be optimally functional but still feel alive, etc.

*Losing myself in engrossing activities. I've found distraction a great, temporary, relief from both physical and mental pain. After rediscovering an "old school" passion for handcrafts, I've dived into embroidery, crochet, bead work, fabric creations - and find them an even more engaging, rewarding distraction/ satisfaction than watching a favorite tv program, because they're less passive, and because I have something to show for my time, when I'm done.

I compare it to having a new baby - the baby being ourselves. Why shouldn't we treat ourselves with the same TLC, curiosity, and desire-to-soothe-and-amuse that we'd have for a new baby? If your baby had to undergo 7 months of toxic chemo and then surgery, to treat some disease, would you expect her to be a "happy camper"? Or would you try all sorts of soothing, consoling, distracting tactics, as part of your loving and caring, to help her recover from her ordeal?

Sometimes I think there's just way too much pressure to behave as though we're super-human. We are not Xena, or even her sidekick, Gabrielle. We're just human, afterall. If you can find a support group, Leslie, where you're free to express everything that's bothering you - get it out on the table, have it validated, hear others share their similar struggles and maybe receive some hugs, recognition for how hard everything you've been going through has been on you - that might go a long way in helping you gain more patience and understanding about what's still unhappy. That alone, even if it doesn't suddenly bring an Aha moment of Joy, can go a long way towards soothing your wounded body and confidence that you'll eventually heal, and that this too, shall pass.

(((hugs)))
Sandy in Silicon Valley