[KellyA]

I so appreciate everyone's responses and thoughts on this. It's funny, but I am still always so amazed at how deeply breast cancer affects one's life, even in situations that seem unrelated. I feel sometimes as if I have been robbed on the deepest level.

The job that I am thinking about would have no bearing on my insurance, or on pre-existing conditions, as we are very lucky to have a great policy with my hubby. It's funny because some of you mentioned "testing fate" and although I've never been a superstitious person, I find that I feel that way often. I worry that if I stop doing this, or don't do that, that "it" may come back. I worry that if I change this or do that, "it" may come back. Last year when things were going very well for us, prior to being dx'd, we broke down and splurged, and bought a nice car- 2 weeks later I got dx'd and was just sick about doing that. I walk around on a daily basis feeling like a ticking time bomb and to make things worse, feel like many people are looking at me the same way. It's so overwhelming at times that I just want to take the easy way out and sit home and wait it out. Sometimes I wish for the two or three year time frame to go by very quickly, so that I can feel a little more comfortable (never safe, of course). Then I remind myself that any time I have now my be my only time and not to wish it away.....

I was always a very structured, controlled person. Actually a would even say a go-getter (except for laundry and household chores :-) ), and now I don't even know who I am. I feel lazy, unambitious, and weak. For someone who has always had control issues ( I grew up and lived with an eating disorder for 20 years), I am the WORST person to handle something like this. It has definitely been a rediscovery of who I am and I've had to take a long look at myself, that's for sure. Some days I am so pissed off that I feel like I could take the world by storm. Other days I just want to crawl in a dark corner and hide. Some days I am so happy for what I have and so grateful to be alive, that's all that matters.

One things that I always know and that NEVER changes, is how grateful I am to have found this site and found all of you. Thank you.

Love, Kelly