[Odette]

Friends,

I'd love to hear your opinions! Who else in the world can understand how devastated I can be when I try to plan just a little bit for the future and I am facing the totally unknown.

Exactly a month ago my scans showed two, possibly three small spots on my lungs and enlarged lymph nodes in the chest.

This was while I have been ned only since March. I had my stage IV diagnosis in January after neoajuvant chemo and surgery so now I was on Tykerb and Xeloda as a preventative (per recommendation second opinion onc at Memorial Sloan Kettering) since May.

After this bad scan, a month ago my local oncologist suggested that we give Tykerb and Xeloda another month to work - so that we don't give up on them at the first sign of progression. He did not seem overly optimistic about T/X working for me but I was happy to go along with his suggestion hanging on to the hope that maybe they will still work.
Tomorrow is the moment of truth well, probably on Tuesday when I pick up my scans. I don't even dare to hope. Really: "stable" would be great! "Little progression" okay. I'm scared that it'll be a lot of progression and more new mets. I also barely can stand the idea of another harsh chemo. I finished the last one in October. (Xeloda and Tykerb were very doable for me)

I do want to be brave and at least go down fighting. I'm (re)reading For Whom the Bell Tolls. Robert Jordan gives me courage, he keeps working on what he set out to do, enjoys his days (well and nights too) he has great affection for the people he meets, even though he knows how exactly the odds are against him.
After my borderline stage IV diagnosis last May I thought it was the end of my life. This past year so much of my world has collapsed, I was really hoping just for a couple good months after my surgery, so I have time and energy to get my thoughts organized and things in order - it was not meant to be.

It gives me hope how all of you warrior sisters keep on fighting and eventually this nasty disease will go down in history together with the plague, small pox, polio and others.

With hope and love,

Odette