[Caroline UK]

Marie,

I'm 14 months post-diagnosis, so I'm at a stage where I've just had my first annual mammogram (fine), and other tests because of various odd aches and pains. I can really sympathise, as we all can here, with what you're going through. The waiting is agony, if I allow myself to think about it. I like what Becky says, the bottom line being "It is what it is". I picture the results already there, sitting on someone's desk....let me see!! NOW!!!

You say you're depressed, and it sounds like you're really struggling to keep it all together at the moment. That's hard, I do feel for you. Sometimes I think it might even be a bit easier for the ones with the disease than the carers - we get most of the attention and concern, but you are suffering too and carrying a huge load. It must be lonely sometimes.
I think for me, tests are a time when everything can resurface, all the fears about now, and feelings about the traumatic time I've been through, because of the state of limbo I'm in just waiting to hear what the future might hold. It's like a vacuum which gets filled with all the stuff that's been put on hold while I get on with the treatments. Hard as they are sometimes, at least you feel like you're busy working at getting through them.

Distraction is the best thing in the world! If I can, when I get those fears going around and around in my head, I try to say "Stop!", put them in a little box, put the box down in the corner of my mind and tell it I'll be looking at it later. That way, I'm not denying them or running away from them, just saying I know you're there and I can't do anything right now to make you better. Hope that doesn't sound patronising; my situation is different to yours and your husband's, but I suppose fears are common to all of us, and it can help hearing how others deal with theirs.

I think for me, the main thing is to pass the time in the best way you can, watching funny movies being a great way to take a break from the grind of worrying.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and be there in spirit with you.

Last thoughts: you sound worn out. Can you do something nice for yourself, if you haven't done so recently, and maybe also ask people for a bit of extra help? Those casseroles have their uses!
The other thing is, and I really don't want to sound glib, about feeling like you're falling apart, maybe try to get back to getting through one day or one moment at a time? It sounds as if you're feeling overwhelmed with everything right now, and it might help to try not to look at the big picture but just how to get through today in a good way.

Take care