[Carina]

Chelee,

I am in the foreign service and was posted to Jamaica when I received by initial DX. My sisters flew to New York to be with me for further tests and the surgery. My ex-husband flew to Jamaica to take care of the kids until the school term ended and they could join me in NYC. He continues to be an incredible source of support and humour (gotta get the laughs when you can!!) throughout my treatment.

I originally wanted to return to Jamaica to do the chemo to give my girls the chance to complete the school year and allow me to continue to work. That did not work out as the meds could not all be obtained in time. I had to return to Canada and chose to return to where my family lives. This was the best decision I ever made. I don't know what I would have done without the support of my sisters, ex-husband and the incredible compassionate support I received from my employer. Of course a summary of my support network could not be complete without mentioning my two daughters (ages 6 and 9). They cuddle up and read to me when I can't get out of bed due to bone and muscle pain and by their unstinting love, never fail to remind me why I have to fight to survive to the very best of my ability.

Though the DX has turned my world upside-down (I have no idea what happened to most of 2006 - it has been a blur!), I have also been given the gift of spending more time with my family and learning to accept help when offered. For me this has been one of the hardest yet worthwhile lessons. I have recently joined Gilda's Club, a cancer support group in the U.S. and Canada. It is early stages and I am not sure if I am getting any real benefit from it. My girls however enjoy Noogieland but a recent death of a Mom of one of their Noogieland friends has brought fears about my survival back for them. We're working through this...

Some people disappeared and some have said some incredibly inane or insensitive things. However, I think it is because so many have been touched by BC (wives, sisters, mothers, daughter, friends, the list goes on) and the apparent randomness and frequency of the disease scares people. Fear can really cloud judgement. I accept and am grateful for those who overcome their fear and reach out no matter at what level.

I am still working on assessing my need for support and trying to take people up on offers of help as they are needed. For example, my nieces are doing some research on new drugs for me, my sister is helping me find a new onc and I am happily using the catering service my colleagues have purchased for me. There are some things that I know I have to do alone, but increasingly I am trying to find ways to delegate some tasks so that I can concentrate on what is most urgent/important. Once I started looking for help, it sometimes came from unexpected sources. I continue to be overwhelmed by the generosity of many BC survivors. Their honesty, compassion and understanding allows discussion of fears/frustrations that sometimes are difficult to talk to non-survivors about.

A last comment, I am looking at doing some things that I love that have absolutely nothing to do with cancer. I have joined an art studio group (just art not wellness therapy) and I am looking forward to reconnecting to something I have enjoyed but not done in years. For me, it is important to do something that does not have cancer as a focus. Not sure if this will have meaning for you, but it makes me feel like eventually there will be a day when I can reclaim the other parts of me that have been temporarily put on hold.