A little hurt.....long
 

As some of you may know, my brother is in the advanced stages of melanoma and isn't doing well. He has always been a bachelor. I have 3 other siblings, all of them are pretty much "screw ups" for lack of a better word. My younger sister is always borrowing from everyone she can borrow from, my older sister is living off the life insurance from her husbands aunt, and my other brother is in prison. My brother that is sick is a very honest, moral guy and has many times told me that me and him were the only two that never gave my mother any problems, I know he respects me more than he does the others. It has been my husband that has been taking him back and forth to MD Anderson in Houston. I am suppose to be picking him up this weekend. I have spent hours and hours on the phone with him trying to help him through it. The others have basically done nothing. When he got sick a year ago he called me and told me the plans of his will, he let me know that he was planning on leaving the house to my younger sister after my mother died and that my siblings were going to get the rest of the money because basically "i didn't need it, and that I might not live that long anyway " (put in kinder words). He seems to think that my husband makes good money and I am taken care of. (we are comfortable but not at all rich). He asked me if I was OK with this. To be honest, I was speachless, it was his money and all I could say was, " you do what you want with your money, you have worked for it". I have continued to be more than supportive of him and my husband has taken his time off from work and used his own money to go and get him from Houston. Well, my mother called me up a couple of days ago and told me my brother had just made his will ( he left it on the table for her to read). .She had been crying. She was very upset for me, he had not even mentioned me in the will at all...absolutely nothing. He has over 200,000 dollars and it was to be split equally between my other siblings, even the one that is in prision (and it not likely to ever get out). She told him that it was very unfair and that he should not have left me out unless i had done something to him, that he had 4 siblings, not 3. He told her that I was OK with it. To be honest, I am NOT OK with it. I am hurt as hell. It's not the money, I didn't expect to be cut in equally with the "needy" ones as he calls them. I just honesly didn't expect to be the only one in the family that was cut out completely, not even mentioned. I figured he would come around and at least mention me and leave me something,even just a token gesture. I'm a little angry, more at my siblings who suck and suck off everyone else and don't do a damn thing as far as helping out. I'm angry that it is always me and my husband and my mother that is left to do the problem solving and traveling. My brother is very stingy with his money and hasn't offered to pay for any of our expenses. I guess I should have spoke up a year ago but I honestly didn't think he would totally forget about me. I have never done anything but try to help him. I find myself now saying "screw it, let my sisters take their asses up to Houston to get him. Let them worry about how he's going to get up there and back. I love my brother and he is in a bind and needs help and I know I'll never turn my back on him. I am just now a little more inclined to let the others do their share. I pray every night that my brother beats this thing so that he can spend his money and there is nothing left for them to get, he is the only one who deserves it. I guess I'm just hurt now and will have to pray and get over it..sherryg

I am so sorry your brother acting that way. I have that problem with my sibling. I am the baby of 6 and I feel like I am the oldest. I help with child care for free, baby shower, christmas, hoildays, and I get no return when I need help. You need to tell your brother before it is to late. It look like he is reaching out to them for love. Good luck.

Rendi

He has said he is just trying to be fair and leave it to the ones who need it most. My other brother has been in prision his whole life and I doubt he's going to be able to spend 70 thousand dollars in prison. My mother seems to think that he feels if he leaves anything to me, it's like leaving it to my husband (who he thinks doesn't need the money). He honestly doesn't think I'm going to be around too much longer, which hurts me very badly. He doesn't have a lot of hope for me, even though I try to hold on . My husband is a good guy, who helps him all the time. My brothers thinking has never been too rational anyway, so why should I expect it to be now. I don't want to talk bad about someone who is in position but that's the way it is. He doesn't respect my siblings at all and has always talked terrible about them. I do not want to sound like a vulture picking at bones because believe me, I have been the one this whole time who has thought less about the money. It's just hard to be singled out and left out..sherryg

Sherry,

I agree with Rendi and believe you should tell your brother how you feel. Of course, you feel hurt and left out. Who wouldn't? Unfortunately, in this world money represents so much more than what it can buy--it has great emotional resonance. Perhaps Rendi is right, that he's trying to buy the love of his other siblings--and that he's sure of your love, which is a good thing. But you should tell him how you feel before it's too late. I'm really sorry for your pain.

Sherry,

I just went through this with my four sisters, My father who loved to stir he pot between us girls, disinherited me and left about 125 thousand to each of them. I was not surprised by it because if you did not have the same view of life then him you had better keep it to your self!!

Well guess who could not.... My father was a rascist and very verbally abuse my whole life. Well when I was told that my cancer was back for the 4th time, NOT ONE of my SISTERS or mom and dad called me, you see over the last 12 years we have never really talked about it because then it would be real??? Go figure, so after my father's death this past spring I told my family to stay out of my life, You see I also did the hoildays, bithdays , family problems guess who was called upon. Well once I was told I had cancer, I stopped after the first year because they n ever gave a crap about all of the time, money and energy it took.

SO TELL HIM< before you can't and then you will be hurt and angry, and that it is not good for your health! Trust me been there done that!


MPB

Dear Sherry,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult situation. I am sure that it is already devastating to see your brother so sick in the first place, and that this is just an extra issue that you don't need. I truly feel that you need to express how you hurt you are. You know, no one knows how long they will be on this earth. Your other siblings don't sound so invincible, and as far as I am concerned, an inheritance is left to a person with good wishes and the intent to make life a little better for that person. I think you are a champ and will be here for a long time, but even if the worst were to happen, and you didn't have another 60 years to spend it, it could still bring a lot of joy through taking trips you might not have been able to, helping others in ways you always wished, or heck, if he really wants to show his love- he could help "the cause" in your honor so that others might not have to go through what you have. I agree, I would be very hurt. For me it reallly wouldn't even be about the money, but about the thought and about our relationship. Please express yourself, so that you don't spend time with bottled up resentment that may cloud the way you really feel about your brother.

Love, Kelly

Hi Sherry,
First off let me say that I am thankful you decided to bring this issue to us by your post. You definitely needed to get this off your chest and I'm happy you choose to to that.

Now, let me say, how sorry I am that your brother decided to do this. It truly sounds unfair (although I know fairness isn't what you are speaking of) and I think that you definitely need to sit down and talk this through with your brother. If you don't it will be something that will "eat" at you for the rest of your days and will always be a source of some anger and bitterness you feel towards your brother.

Sending hugs and encouragement to you Sherry.

Love,

Mary Jo

Sherry, I agree with the others you need to tell your brother how you feel. Otherwise it will eat away at you and this is not good for your healing process. A year before I was diagnosised my husband and I bought a house from my father to help him out financially, we gave him a $20,000 downpayment to pay off one of the loans on the house and we took over the house payment. Later the house was foreclosed on as my father took the money and invested it (which he lost) instead of paying off the loan. We didn't know this until we were handed foreclosure papers (he had 2 loans on the house) We tried every way would could to save the house but in the end lost it. I went into a deep depression for about a year. Then my husband and I were able to purchase another house. I was diagnosised with my cancer 1 month later. I vowed never to have anything to do with my father again as I felt the stress from losing the house had something to do with my cancer. I struggled a long time before I finally forgave him. In order for me to heal I needed to clear the hate out of my heart. Please tell your brother how you feel if nothing else it will lighten the load you are carrying in your heart. WE ALL THINK YOU WILL BE AROUND FOR QUITE A WHILE BUT YOU NEED TO HELP YOUR SELF TO HEAL BY GETTING THE "JUNK" OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Hi Sherry, I believe you need to speak to your brother too, it need'nt be in a confrontational manner but let him know you do feel hurt about this..
maybe you could also drop a hint that you're really not expecting to go anywhere for quite a while to come!!
For some it can be a touchy subject but only if you make it so..good luck and I hope he understands.I too would be hurt at this whether I needed money or not,yourbrother has misread the situation and I'm sure it did'nt mean to hurt you.
Another idea is maybe have someone else tell him you're hurt if you really can't face the discussion yourself!

Dear Sherry,
It always amazes me when people are rewarded just because they are blood, not because they are deserving.
It is a shame your brother doesn't understand that he has the wonderful opportunity to leave a beautiful legacy. He could donate some of the money to a worthy organizaton/or/charity. It is obvious that he has no ill feelings against you or your husband, since he told you about his will. Explain to him that an inheritance is a gift of love....

It is so important that he understand how hurt you are. It will not be an easy conversation for you, be prepared so you can handle the topic with
calm.

I have a dear friend who is an angel, and yet I have seen injustice to her that is not fair or even reasonable. She often says, "No Good Deeds Go Unpunished." Hopefully this will not be the case for you.

Kind Regards,
jean

Sherry - as much as it used to scare me to be brutally honest or perceived as confrontational (and still does, but I battle through it) - if it were me, I would very factually tell him that he is wrong to think that you are OK with it, tell him that his decision hurts you and your husband deeply. I would set him straight, gently but firmly. In my opinion, morally, a will should honor those in your life who were present, loving, and giving first. Regardless what their life or financial circumstances are. Once that has been considered and decided, then, and only then, should others (whom you might feel responsible for, but who might not have contributed positively in your life) be considered for minor gifts.

Honesty
 

IS the best policy. I would be honest with your brother. Something along the lines of "I wasn't completely honest with you in expressing how I felt about your leaving everything to ... Upon reflection, I decided that I would feel (whatever word(s) you chose)...if I were able to treat my husband, who has always worked hard for me, and our children, to a (trip, vacation, memory)....Also, it would be nice to have money put away for your children's college (not sure of their ages)...

Tell him you don't want to feel penalized for always doing the right thing, for helping with no ulterior motives, etc.

I feel so badly for you...that is hurtful, but at least you're honest. My family (I'm one of 10 siblings) has always said that if everyone we knew died together -- we'd OWE money. No fortunes down the line, but that is alright!

Take care.

suggestion
 

Sherry,

It sounds like you are considering what would be a good way to deal with it, in a way that fits YOU and your situation -- even though you can't know for sure what the outcome would be one way or the other.

If you think it might help you to look at all the alternatives in difficult situations, a book I found helpful is "Your Perfect Right".

AlaskaAngel

My mother left almost everything to my stepfather and my half brother. There was very little involved but it still bothers me. I told her at the time that it wasn't fair. She said that I had a husband to take care of me. He really took care of me. I still resent it. My brother died before my stepfather and it is a real mess right now. But it does make you feel bad, of somehow feeling less important.

I feel like honesty is important. I do not understand why, if he has the money, you and your husband are having to pay expenses to take him to the doctor. My husband, the one I have now, not the one my mother referred, to has a saying. He says we have to pull our little red wagon together. It is okay to take care of others but not when it affects our ability to take care of our selves. Several years ago, I was hospitalized for depression. I did not know how to take care of me. During this time I learned about boundary issues. I think it would help you if you would read about boundaries. It seems to me that your family has similar issues. I learned that "No." is a complete sentence. Courtesy of Anne Lamott. I learned that it is okay for me to take care of me. I did not have to do everything that was asked of me, I did not have to loan money to my sibling and I did not have to pay my daughter's light bill. And that is okay not to take care of people who don't appreciate me. I have found that if I step back the world goes on without me. I am not saying that you should not help your brother, but that you should give others a chance to step up. He can afford to get someone to take him. Ultimately we are responsible for ourselves and I don't think we should reward people for screwing up. Sometimes people assume that you are strong and don't need them. It is very difficult to let that go and let people know that you can't do everything. I know you don't want him to feel that he has to buy your love, but is a very human need to be appreciated for what we do. It is very stressful being a saint. Or a martyr. Speak up, and don't get left with anger and resentment. He probably won't change anything. But it is okay for you to tell him how you feel. Do what you can for him without hurting you and your husband, financially or emotionally. If he needs you or your husband to take him somewhere, it is acceptable to tell him that you would love to but that you need him to pay expenses. Or that your husband cannot afford to take off work, because you have expenses because of your illness. These are reasons, not excuses.
I know this sounds very stream of conciousness writing but I have a craft sale coming up and don't have the time I would like to have to clean it up and write it right. I just hope it makes sense. If you get nothing else from this I hope that you will read up on boundaries. Please.

Leslie

A heart to heart talk, non-confrontational but honest, is what you need to resolve the obviously unfair arrangement. It is the recognition for your past and present care, using your (including your husband) own time and money to help him out in both health and daily issues. Don't keep the problem inside of you, because it will not help you physically nor emotionally. Do this ASAP while he is still having a clear mind. Best of luck.

Dear Sherry, I really don't know how to respond. You've always spoken of your brother as such a good guy. It seems your brother does not want to intentionally hurt you and probably doesn't realize how this affects you - especially since he may think this was all "discussed" last year. It's important you let him know this. I agree, you need to share how you feel about this while you can. For both of you.

You've gotten a wide variety of responses on this thread - all based on people's very personal experiences with issues such as this. They are such tough issues - and it's so tragic that how the money is shared can so easily eclipse what is really important - which is how the love is shared.

Sherry, you've always been there for your brother, he knows this and expects this from you. He also knows that you will not turn away from him because of who YOU are. I can't begin to know how his thought process worked on this one (although I could make a lot of guesses). I think his slight is not deliberate - I don't think he set out to hurt you - but it is ill advised. Maybe he would want to understand how you feel.
Much love,
Chris

Sherry I think that your brother is no wrong ..HE IS SUPER WRONG " because he should leave no only 70 K to you, he should have all the 200 k to you just because your are sick and for the same reason you can not work ......the other's are healthy and I agree w/ everybody that talk to him

Sherry,

If I were in your shoes I would definitely have a talk with your brother. It's not that you and your husband "need" or "don't need" anything, it's a matter of principal. From what I've been reading you and your husband are the ones who have been giving your brother the support he needs. If you don't speak to your brother and tell him how his decision has affected you, before you know it you will begin to resent him through no fault of your own. And as for your brother thining that you don't have much time -- I'd have to tell him otherwise. You are a fighter and are going to be her for a long time to come. Please talk to your brother before a wedge is driven between the two of you.

I agree with the rest, that you should talk to your brother and let him know how you feel. Grief sometimes makes people do strange things. I think you will feel better if you at least talk with him.

Dear Sherry,

You are a wonderful person and sister, talk to your brother while you still can. You are going to be around for a long time, don't live with this bottled up inside you. I pray that everything works out for you and I am praying for your brother also.