Roller-coaster
 

Knowing that 'Hubby' will never venture into the 'computer world', I feel 'safe' to share something private here with you all. Not long ago (a year? Maryanne in Hawaii [Harrie Canarie]might remember because I had discussed it with her via private messages) he was depressed and frustrated and wanted 'out' - see my signature to figure out the reason (he has been a care-giver since day one - you have never seen a more sickly-looking bride...)

Cancer is hard on us patients. But it is equally hard or even harder on our loved ones - because there's not much they can do except suffer with us. I am sharing our story here so others will not lose heart too quickly. Here's a note he just gave me:


"Dear L.B.M.M.,

Of all the regrets I will have when my life is done, the one regret I never will have is that I have loved you. I do not regret the time we have had together. We have gone through many bad times in our life together, things that would have made many couples give up on their marriage. Somehow we have withstood the storms of life and we are still standing, and standing stronger than we ever have before.

We no longer fear things we used to fear. We have gained strength from the storms. It kind of makes me think that God has been with us from the beginning of our marriage. We are stronger than we ever have been. Who else could have looked death in the face and laughed? We could; and God was looking over our shoulder all the time.

Love,

JE

Marie,

Do you know that there's a popular Chinese TV show (in Taiwan) called 'Husband and wife in seven reincarnations '? The producer (and writers of the show) put together 7 most famous love stories in Chinese history and made them look like
the same couple reunited in another generation, and another generation...

I guess it is another interpretation of 'Love never fails' - my favorite quote.

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Just found this thread. Thanks to this wonderful Board, some crucial evidence of hubby's feelings is preserved here.

He's been very frustrated with me - a seemingly logical, reasonable person who has turned into a pretty 'bad' wife... He has said some hurtful things to me - because I had hurt his feelings, according to him.

A junior high classmate had told me how difficult he thought it would be if he were in hubby's shoes having to live with a wife who's having surgery after surgeries... Oldest Brother also thought hubby should be commended for having stayed with me for these many years (I will be a 20-year brain tumor survivor in mid June.)

And to think hubby is only 4 years younger than John Edwards, the previous presidential hopeful who had consealed his relationship with another woman and denied to be the father of the child he had had with her...

Guess for those of us who never have had a 'normal' life, we shall treasure just 'life'. As Doc Holiday had told Wyatt Earp in 'Tombstone': "Wyatt, there's no normal life, there's just 'life'."

And what a life it is!

Re: Roller-coaster - downhill day 'rant'
 

Disclaimer: Felt like I needed to have a big ranting party here. Skip this thread if it's too sensitive an issue to you...

****************************
I saw my oncologist today. He checked on my neck and shoulder where I've been having problems. But he did not find the spot that hurt.

After I got home, I ran my finger through the area and located it. It's on the front, right side of my neck [He was standing behind me while checking both sides of my neck with his fingers.]

Hubby and I started a big argument after I had served supper when I asked him to call my doctor tomorrow to ask for a PET/CAT scan to check the problem spot. He refused to help me and kept on saying that I was acting like a 'retard' and that I had embarrassed him last time in our family doctor's office. [Our family doctor complained to him: "She thinks we are all idiots!"]

My problem started last September when I had had 'vertigo' after doing some shoulder/neck exercise per physical therapist's prescription. The family doctor ordered some tests (out of my requests) and only found some 'vertebrae degeneration' [He didn't even tell me that part. He just told me "It's fine." I had to get the 'degeneration' part from a physician friend who works at the same hospital.] The oncologist said today that I had some irritation on the 'process' of the vertebrae. I don't think we were talking about the same spot because he never touched the place that hurt.

Hubby's threatening divorce - kept on telling me to go back to Taiwan to stay with my family.

He has been on my insurance since quitting his full-time job in late 2000. He only worked part-time briefly afterwards and has not been working at all since 2004, two years after he had got 2 stents in his coronary arteries. Now he's telling me we should sell the house and split everything half and half. He felt like he deserves his share because he had to take care of me all these years (while we were completely depending on my salary, money sent by my family overseas, and my unemployment compensation?)

What's hurting me most is that he declares that he doesn't love me anymore. He said that he had not had 'real sex' for 6, 7 years...

I understand that 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus.' But should I just forget about this relationship that had endured two brain surgeries, one heart procedure (his) and two breast cancer surgeries? I know he's still depressed, but he had quit taking antidepressant that was prescribed by a psychiatrist last years. The therapist he had seen merely pampered him and tried to boost his self-confidence by telling him that there's nothing wrong with him having gone through so many major changes (Mother-in-law's Alzheimer's and passing, my cancer and recurrence, my job losses...) in life.

He probably will file for divorce if he read this. But he is completely computer illiterate - even though with a college degree which he had finally earned with my help (my In-laws 'had' loved me for that.)

He's been using 'should have' sentences constantly lately [actually, 'several years'.]

Oh, about being a hypochondriac.... and the reason why I did not talk in a respect way when refering to several of my doctors:

My huge brain tumor was not found until I had changed our primary physician, pushed for referrals from the 2nd primary, and then with some devine guidance (luck?) took advice from a couple of [one was retired] physician friends to persist in finding the cause of my headaches, dizziness, skin problems... etc.

My brain tumor 'recurrence' was not found until a delayed (got the new surgeon's 'OK' to skip a year trying to save money) routine MRI - I had got so sick at work [Why didn't my husband notice anything? "You are always sick," he declares] that eventually I lost my job just 1 1/2 year after a big promotion.

He did contribute some in the discovery of my first breast cancer. He had felt it just 30 hours before my routine mammogram. But the next four years he never had suspected anything even though the residue tumor had grown to 2+ cm (I'm extremely 'flat') and was misread as 'scar tissue' over and over again.

Was he not noticing my cancer recurrence because subconsciously he did not really care anymore? He had a 'shouting game' with my 2nd Sister who had come to take care of me after my mastectomy. He stayed over at his Dad's during my recuperation because his Mom happened to be in bad shape in the nursing home at the time (that's why I had asked my Sister to come.) My Mother-in-law eventually passed away 6 months later (Jan. 2008.)

I know the visit/help of my sister was a big factor of our relationship becoming problematic. Her 'brutal' honesty forced us to face the 'reality' - hubby was completely 'humiliated' and started using 'hateful' languages.

Is he acting like this because he's afraid that I would divorce him after (if) I get to collect disability pension? Is he acting like this because my unemployment is going to run out soon in the summer?

I know my Father-in-law will love to have hubby staying with him in the country. Though these days hubby's been using me as excuse for not going over there to stay with his Dad more often.

Should I just continue to allow him to vent his frustration? With no future job prospect (he has made no effort at all - why risk a heart attack looking for work in this kind of economy at this rural town where most jobs he can do pay just above minimum wage?) I guess he's just trying to grab whatever he can get right now. He probably would have left (as he had talked constantly back then) had I not got my unemployment extended last summer.

How awful it is to have cancer! We are forced to deal with the cruel reality and ugly human nature. We are forced to abandon our idealism, our innocence, and the so-called 'love'...

No wonder all the religions are focused on 'love'. We humans long for the unfailing love. But 'true love' rarely exists - because we have no control over either our biology or our psychology, let alone our destiny.

"Is it all just a bad dream?"

[Our Spanish teacher had taught us a Spanish poem that contains the sentence.]

Then I heard hubby screaming (while watching 'King of the Hill' in the other room): "I'm having a nightmare!"

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Hi Jackie.

So sorry. I don't know what to say. Beautiful letter from hubby.

Love,

Adriana

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Thanks, Adriana. How are you doing?

I am about completely recovered from my hysterectomy/oophorectomy now. In the past ten days, we have been walking twice to the water fall located in the middle of the new walking/biking trail built by the city . The water fall was beautiful and and the walk relaxing, though the one hour round trip tires me out. Most people park their car in front of a local Internet/computer company. We might try that next time to trim 10-15 minutes off our walk.

We are (I am)going to check with my doctors about the vaginal atrophy issue. Hubby has finally made me understand the frustration he has had being just 52 and hasn't had the 'real' thing for almost 7 years. I had tried a low dose estrogen cream January last year after seeing a gynecologist. But I was soon scared off after feeling a 'bump' on my chest. It had turned out (after biopsy) to be the 'clip' (inserted during the mastectomy as a 'marker')that was pushed up against the muscle/skin. My surgeon said that most people couldn't feel it at all. I think I am just very skinny and very sensitive.

It's really a roller-coaster ride with huge ups and downs.
I'm fortunate to have very strong family ties and feel quite secure - the worst senario will be for me to go home stay with my parents in Taiwan (They have a live-in housekeeper and my 5 siblings all want me to take it easy...) Hubby is stuck with the situation - he can't take a job because he's needed by both his Father and me. And there's hardly any suitable/flexible jobs available in this rural area.

Really appreciated your message. We have made some progress - will make it a project to paint our garage door and clean up the study/fix the tiles in the bathroom before my niece's visit 2, 3 weeks from now. She's my oldest Brother's daughter - she has an older brother who's on his way to England for graduate school. I stayed with her family briefly while in college around the time when she was born. Everyone says that she takes after me - mainly her 'giggling' and her temperament, and her 'tiny' teeth. She's going to fly (from Taipai, Taiwan) to New Mexico, spend a few days there and then fly to either Dallas or San Antonio (because MTrack does not have a direct connection to our town.) Her plan is to travel 10 states in three months by train. How wonderful it is to be young! We think she inherited the adventuous spirit from her Grandmom, her Father, and her Little Auntie...

I have just received a check of the 'back payment' from the Social Security Administration. Though the amount was small, the approval of my 'disability' status has given both of us a sigh of relief and some vindication. Hubby had suspected (he couldn't help it) that I was purposely trying to torture him (with my memory problem) and that I was fired from all the jobs because I wouldn't get along with people at work (again because of my memory problem.)

Last couple of weeks I've got connected with some college alumni through the Association Chapter in Southern California. Though I reside in Texas, they wanted me to write something about my 'cancer-fighting' story. I was complimented by the editor on both my English writing and Chinese composition skills. How nice! I'm going to write more often. It's therapeutic...

Mostly, people just like to know how I am able to keep a positive attitude, maintain a vibrant spirit, and stay happy during the long, rough journey. Well, one thing I know - besides being well-influenced by my Mother and having a strong belif system and a supportive spouse - is that I've got this wonderful Her2-support family here. Joe and Christine have done something so extraordinarily wonderful for all of us, I think they deserve a Congressional Medal.

Thanks again. You've caught me in a good (up) day! :)

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Hi Jackie,
That was a very beautiful letter your husband wrote to you.
I just want to share with you some words that came to my attention recently and left quite an impact:
"Agree....Allow....Accept.....Surrender.....Peace. ..."
Hugs Jackie, from me to you.
maryanne
Oh yes, and by the way, Replens, I have been using that recently and I do like the results. It does not contain any estrogen and does well in conditioning the vaginal walls. Google it up and read about it.

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Thanks, Maryanne. Those are great advices.

I looked up information about Replens and found it cited in the National Cancer Institute site under <Cancer.gov>. It has all kinds of good information for cancer patients who are undergoing Radiation treatment. Thought I would enclose the link here.

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/r...7-abd0e11d6d70

'Replans' is mentioned in the section of

"Radiation Therapy Side Effects and Ways to Manage Them"

Even thought I've never had radation in that area, it's good to know the remedy for the same kind of problems. And the product was suggested by the top researchers at the National Cancer Institute, who's going to argue with that? :)

Thanks again.

Re: Roller-coaster
 

Well, it's one of those 'down' (shut down, let down, back down...) days...