Scared
 

Hi, it is half past one in the morning of 13th Jan. One year ago exactly I had a first appointment with my surgeon, then a mastectomy on 16th Jan. I was so scared that I would die before the year was up. Pathology on 24th Jan told me I was node neg, etc (all in my signature) lots of reason to make my continued survival very likely. I got through that first year of TCH with the Herceptin continuing till next month, thought I was ok knowing I have an 8% chance of a recurrence within the next 3 years, but a 92% chance of no recurrence. But now I am aware in a way I had not really taken in, that the next three years is when it will happen if it does. And suddenly it is all a bit overwhelming again. I am a psychologist for heaven's sake, I know the little tricks to settle myself down. But I feel very much alone, afraid and tired at the moment. It is hard running the gauntlet of all these dark anniversaries.

What do you do when you feel like this? How do you get through the bad days and nights?

Re: Scared
 

Hi Jessica,

First of all congratulations on completing your year of treatment. I was diagnosed 7 years ago when I was stage III. I had 22/28 lymph nodes positive. I declined treatment and a year later I did do chemo when mets showed up in my lungs and bones. There is so much you can do, on so many fronts. I have a few favorite books at the moment which may guide you - Radical Remission by Dr Turner, then there is No More Cancer, by Dr Gary Null and coming out pretty soon is a book by Dr Mitchell Gaynor called the Gene Therapy Plan.
Life is awesome and I am grateful for each day, each birthday and the opportunities I have to make a difference.
Have an awesome week.
Fern

Re: Scared
 

I had the same feeling when I finished treatment, felt frustrated when I had all those appointments and then when they were not there anymore I felt scared, the Dr's where my security blanket. This whole journey is very traumatic and like with any traumatic event it takes time to trust again. Being able to trust your body, that it is not out to kill you just takes time. I felt like I had to tell everyone that I had cancer, about my experiences I guess to help me justifiy my struggle. Now that I am 4 yrs out I don't feel like that any more. I have been able to put this experience in the back of my thoughts and am able to focus on the here and now. None of us have control over what happens to us in the future which is scary enough. Talk about how you feel to those close to you, and let time heal. Hope you gain strength as you celebrate each new milestone.

Re: Scared
 

Jessica,
I am going on 2 years out from being diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to get to the place knowing that cancer may be something which I will always be looking over my shoulder for it. I live a different life now after cancer - one which I not only appreciate every day, but now I appreciate every hour.
For a guide on living with a disease like cancer - try - You Can Beat the Odds - by Brenda Stockdale.

Re: Scared
 

Jessica,

It has been a year since I had my double mastectomy. I was stage 3c. Yep, it does get scary at times. However, I've come to terms with the disease and truly believe that the more stressed out that I get the more vulnerable my body becomes to cancer. Additionally, if my life does get shortened by this disease I want to make the best of each day that I have. I'm convinced that worrying only makes matters worse and certainly doesn't help ward off cancer in any way.

When my mind goes to these dark places, I remind myself to focus on positive things. I visualize my positive thoughts attacking cancer cells. I think of things that I am grateful for. These can be real simple things but they are meaningful things to me (enjoying a cup of coffee, sitting in the sunshine, playing with my kitties, reflecting on meaningful relationships with family and friends).

When I cant sleep, I read books that are uplifting and make me happy. It helps me.

Best of luck to you Jessica. I'm hoping you find a trick that works for you.

Re: Scared
 

One day at a time.
Sometimes this is easier said than done.
At chemo yesterday the nurse said to me, we can worry ourselves to death.
Ain't it the truth?
Deep cleansing breaths help me. Best of luck!

Re: Scared
 

It has been almost 8 years and I have been NED for almost that long. I still remember how terrifying it was. I still have moments. It has gotten better for me but I still worry about it coming back. I think that we don't get the care we need emotionally. I have been reading about the long term effects of breast cancer. We try to be strong, to be warriors, to keep from letting our friends and family down and we don't deal with the fallout until months or years later.