Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I'm just reaching out to my sisters because you are going through at least 50% of this agony with me. I was married for 25 years and the divorce became final just over a month ago. He started coming back around recently, probably out of pity, but I (not snoopingly) found his dating profile asking for dates for Christmas parties, which means current. I feel dead inside and not from the poison.

Anyone else going through the divorce aspect. I know it's more common than we would believe. Caregiving is hard. I just feel like the will to fight is dying, too.

I'm not depressed, certainly don't need more drugs. I'm devastated, hurt, and sick. I feel like my future is so bleak and what's the point, except my daughters and that should be enough. If it weren't for them, I'd just wilt.

Any advice or your own experiences shared would be such a blessing. I've turned to scripture and pray and I know that God stays with us but shows us His will in His time. I cannot, cannot, cannot lose faith. Please help.

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Oh so sorry. Please do all you can to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Even though I have not been through divorce, I have many girlfriends who have. One day you will be stronger and life will look better. Just believe in the future and trust the promise of God. One day at a time.
Hugs, Catherine

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Some days sure stink up the planet don't they! I can not speak to divorce myself, but know many family members and friends whose lives are richer and happier apart than they ever would have been if they had remained together. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day...do something that brings you joy. *I am a sucker for sparkles : ), on some of my darkest chemo days when I had no energy and felt like crap, I would look at my sparkly rock collection or sun catchers to brighten my mood - whatever works for you, do it.
Sending you some of my sparkles,
Cindy*

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Oh this just so totally sucks, I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. :( What everyone else has already said ... things will get better but it takes time. One day at a time. That is all you can do.

Anything, anything at all that you can do to make yourself feel better ... just do it. And don't feel like you have to engage too much with your former spouse. If you don't want to ... don't. I would venture to say he is coming around to make himself feel better. Not you. That is harsh, I know ... but if you extend yourself to him and then feel miserable afterwards, it is so not worth it. YOU have to be your own first priority now.

Please please come here as much as you need, to vent, scream, whatever. We are here for you.

Carol Ann

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I went through a separation and legal custody fight during my treatment. And yes, it was Hell. There were days I just wanted to die. It felt like it would of been easier. But one day I woke up and had a million emails from my attorney and God knows how many nasty voicemails from my ex, and right there I decided to stop reacting. I made a conscious decision that that day was the beginning of a life I could live the way I wanted to. I enrolled myself in salsa dancing classes, baking classes and threw myself into yoga daily. I changed the way I ate because, heck, why not, I was cooking for one for once. Everything I did I did to make sure I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on my deck the entire afternoon looking up at the clouds. Other days I would get all dolled up and go for coffee with a friend. Try to do things for yourself.

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Oh my goodness. You've had so many losses and trials! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I haven't had divorce, cancer, and chemo together, but I have been through two divorces, two cancers, and 4 1/2 years of cancer treatment. The first divorce was after 23 years of marriage and five kids. Although I initiated it, it was not the outcome I wanted. I wanted us to transform the relationship. That choice was not available to me.

As I was going through the first divorce a friend recommended two little books that were both extremely helpful to me. At the time I found it very difficult to concentrate or take in complex ideas, and both books are deceptively simple. One is out of print, but worth hunting down. It's called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. The other book is called The Four Agreements. They are both written in short, easy-to-take-in segments, and both offer specific ideas about what I could do to help myself.

The second divorce was totally unexpected and incredibly painful. I was devastated. A friend brought over a book called Wherever You Go, There You Are. It's about mindfulness meditation. I learned to put myself back in the Now whenever my brain started running away with catastrophes. I was able to get back to sleep when I woke up in a panic at 3 in the morning.

I also did lots of prayer, some exercise, psychotherapy, and massage. My masseuse was a good friend. Our chats while she massaged me were at least as helpful as my sessions with my (wonderful) therapist. Oh, and since both husbands were alcoholics (one "wet" and one "dry") I went to Al-Anon and got a wonderful sponsor and worked the "Steps" with her.

My breast cancer diagnosis felt similar to divorce, only this time it was my body that was betraying me and seemed to have abandoned me. A friend who had been through breast cancer recommended I do guided imagery, and told me the name of the person whose work she liked. My friend also told me the same person offers guided imagery for healing from trauma. I got that one too. My friend had said it's very intense. I agreed, and I only did it a couple of times. But last year I got back into therapy, and decided to revisit the trauma imagery and affirmations. As promised on the tape, over time the images and "story" seem to have transformed for the better. I no longer feel abandoned. The last affirmation on all the products is "More and more, I know that I am in the hands of God, and I am perfectly, utterly safe."

What all these experiences have in common is that wise, loving companions saw my pain and suffering and offered concrete, appropriate assistance. What changed about me between the two divorces (seven years apart) is I became less compulsively self-reliant and more willing/able to ask for and accept help. Now I spend a lot less time and energy worrying about what other people think of me or what their motives are. I try not to make assumptions. I have learned to interrupt my own toxic and destructive self-talk with meditation or affirmations. The only person who is guaranteed to be with me until my last breath is myself. I am learning to be more kind, loving, and forgiving towards myself.

Which brings me to the best advice I got when my cancer was diagnosed. A friend who had been through two primary breast cancers fifteen years apart said, "Don't worry about anything until you have to."

I'm sorry you're in such pain. I pray that wise, kind, loving companions appear to show you how to heal yourself, and that, with their loving support and help, you find your inner strength and resilience and you learn what it is you need to know.

Peace,
Amy

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Please, please, please do not lose your faith!! You are going through so much right now and it's easy to do but you will weather the storms. You are a warrior and warriors do not accept defeat! God and all of us are with you, stay strong, stay positive and focus on a new you - there is so much life to live and the fight can be tough but it's worth it in the end!

Prayers and hugs!

Jessica

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I don't have sage words to share, especially on the heels of Amy's post but I will lend a concerned ear and broad shoulder to help unload the burden of your pain. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to experience such hardship and loss all at once. You are strong and you are loved. Take things minute to minute. If you don't want to do it, don't if you feel like it do... When things seem overwhelming, draw a nice bath and cry it out and when the tears stop. Do something RICH for yourself.

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. You've gotten some good advice from others and I wholeheartedly agree that you should do things that make you happy and bring you joy. Given what you're going through, you need to focus all your energy on you and do your best to put all the negative things out of your mind. I know, easier said than done. Don't forget that God is always with you and He will get you through this. (sending cyber hugs)

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I am so sorry you are going through such crap right now in your life. Having cancer is bad enough but throw in divorce - you are probably stronger than what you realize.
Right now, I am sure you feel physically worn out, and emotionally not much better.
Without writing an extremely long post, I want to tell you to just hang on. This too shall pass, things will get better in your life. I noticed you had a passage from Isiah in your signature - follow it and know that you will come through this ordeal without a trace of smoke.
Oddly enough, cancer will leave you with a strange gift - fearlessness. I will keep you in my prayers. Pam

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

I have nothing new to add just want you to know I also care and will keep you in my prayers. I believe that any one of your issues would make you feel wretched right now. A year from now you will be through this cancer round and in NED status and rid of the jerk - both great things. So every time you get really down, imagine yourself a year from now. Imagine all the good feelings you will have and then add imagery to it - beauty, warmth, friends - whatever works for you. Everytime you get to those low points imagine that wonderful time and how great you will feel. Right now feel the cyberspace hugs of your friends here.

Re: Struggling with divorce, cancer, chemo. Not sure how to survive. Very bad day!
 

Thanks to all of you beautiful ladies. That's what my friends all told me yesterday, too. I need to focus my eyes on the Lord and stop idolizing the wrong things. Things will fall into place and Lord knows, He is making me new and stronger through all of this. How could I not be. It would be amazing if this didn't, I'd have to be numb. I'm not yet. I'm starting to plan ahead for my future and think positive about what God does have in store for me. My friends told me, if I chose, that I will, despite all of my baggage, find someone because of who I really am inside.

Love you all. God bless!