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-   -   Anybody have any jokes they can share? (https://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=50848)

Paula O 07-23-2011 04:12 AM

Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Your Duck is Dead–



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly
said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”



The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck
is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed
to the woman..



The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”



The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now $150.”

Jackie07 07-23-2011 01:49 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
O my! That is hilarious!

A junior high friend just posted this on his Facebook (sort of a 'practical joke'):

http://www.wretch.cc/video/sky840120...le&vid=7062247

Paula O 07-25-2011 03:51 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4ab...1&feature=fvwp

(Baby humor)

Paula

snolan 07-26-2011 02:20 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
I just bought a shirt that says "Yeah their fake, my real ones tried to kill me". I like sarcastic humor, made me laugh.

chrisy 07-26-2011 08:25 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
my first chemo go round my sister was in charge of making me laugh. this one had me laughing out loud at my desk

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width:100.0%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="width:100.0%;padding:1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt" width="100%">

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width:100.0%" id="yiv1729630992ecxmod_EDIMAINTABLE" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td style="width:100.0%;padding:1.2pt 1.2pt 1.2pt 1.2pt" id="yiv1729630992ecxmod_EDITEXTREGION" width="100%">





<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="padding:0in 0in 0in 0in" valign="top"> <table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="padding:0in 0in 0in 0in" valign="top"> <table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="width:683.25pt;padding:0in 3.75pt 0in 3.75pt" valign="top" width="911"> These are from a book calledDisorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.









ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?




WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'




ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?




WITNESS: My name is Susan!




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?




WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?




WITNESS: No , I just lie there.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Thismyasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?




WITNESS: I forget..




ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?




___________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?




WITNESS: We both do.




ATTORNEY: Voodoo?




WITNESS: We do..




ATTORNEY: You do?




WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?




WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?




____________________________________









ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?




WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.




___________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?




WITNESS: Are you kidding me?




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) wasAugust 8th?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?




WITNESS: Getting laid.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: How many were boys?




WITNESS: None.




ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?




WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?




WITNESS: By death..




ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?




WITNESS: Take a guess.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?




WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard




ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?




WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.




_____________________________________









ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?




WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.




______________________________________









ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?




WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?




WITNESS: Oral...




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?




WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30 PM




ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?




WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?




______________________________________









And last:









ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?




WITNESS: No..




ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?




WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.




ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?




WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.










</td></tr></tbody></table>



























</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>











</td></tr></tbody></table>




PinkGirl 07-28-2011 05:51 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
1 Attachment(s)
This is why I don't exercise ...

Attachment 806

Jackie07 07-28-2011 11:11 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
This is why we get Vitamin D from (Vitamin D fortified) Orange juice :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AReD13DKT8g

Paula O 07-29-2011 01:58 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw

I found this baby's reaction to his mom blowing her nose funny.

When I hear of somebody swallowing their gum, I'm going to think of the photo shared above. HA!

Paula

Rainess 08-02-2011 10:22 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
LOVE THIS. Thanks for the laugh!
Michele

NEDenise 10-03-2011 08:13 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Hi!
Not trying to "rush the season", but this made me chuckle.

Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

NEDenise 10-18-2011 07:42 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Jackie! I can't wait to go buy oranges so I can try the tooth thing! Too funny!

Okay...this husband is nothing like "OUR" husbands would be...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

NEDenise 10-18-2011 08:55 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
DOG FOR SALE


https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/a...2lSrD326p15VZl

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/a...EcQJpCHlMhoZZq

Paula O 10-23-2011 08:29 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Puns Intended(Unknown Author) ”1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 12.. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 17.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 19.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 20.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 21. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”




Paula
“I didn’t sign up for this! I know that I sang, ‘Wherever He leads. I’ll go’, but can’t we at least check the weather report first? How could God lead me into a storm like this one?’ Just cling to the knowledge that you could be in no safer place than a storm of His making. You are safer and more secure in the tempest with Jesus than you could ever be in the calmest place without Him. That calm, you’ll come to realize, is an illusion, and the storm is for a good purpose and a short duration.”
--David Jerimiah





http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland...pred11_350.jpg

NEDenise 10-24-2011 05:55 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Paula,
Thanks for the giggles (and groans)...I love puns! I've already copied and pasted this to an email to one of my 'teacher friends' who is a huge pun fan.

But more importantly...thanks for posting the David Jerimiah quote. It actually gave me goosebump as I read it. What a beautiful way to put things in their proper perspective!

Be well, my friend,
Denise

NEDenise 10-31-2011 05:58 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Funny, Clean Halloween Jokes
  • Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine?
    Because he was having a coffin fit.
  • What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
    I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
  • Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'
    Cos everyone was a goblin.
  • Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
    It was a stake sandwich.
  • Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
    A bloodhound.
  • What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictur...leton_door.gif
    A dead ringer.
  • What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
    Spare ribs!
  • Who was the most famous French skeleton?
    Napoleon bone-apart.
  • Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
    No body.

Paula O 12-22-2011 03:56 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Anybody hear any great clean jokes/see cartoons they liked lately? Please share away--I'd love to enjoy them along with you! Laughter has done me so much good this year. Are there others here that look for funny things every day too?

I try and share humor most days in my blog and I think the one I posted today is hilarious:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/710
;),
Paula
P.S. It's totally a light hearted "just kidding" parent's joke--hopefully nobody will take offense at the humor as none is intended. :0)

Also, here's a "Blonde joke" that I posted earlier this week in the blog:

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that
she paid for economy class, and that she will have
to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde,
I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying
right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
lady sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m
going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll
handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes
back to her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.
“I told her, “First class isn’t going to Toronto “.

NEDenise 12-22-2011 06:15 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Paula,
You KNOW I look for laughs all day, every day!
Keep smiling!
Denise

chrisy 12-22-2011 11:55 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
two peanuts were walking down the street
one was assaulted.

NEDenise 12-22-2011 06:32 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Chris!
That is my favorite joke ever! We really are kindred spirits!

I also like...
Horse walks into a bar
Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Never gets old! :)

Denise

Paula O 12-24-2011 03:50 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Ha, ha! :) Here's another:

A rather sharp blonde enters the library……..walks straight up to the librarians desk.
She boldly asks for a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke.

The librarian looks at her and says……”shhh, Ms….this is a library, not a diner”.

“Oh”…..says the Blonde as she whispers.”…so sorry …..I would like a cheeseburger,

fries and a Coke.”

Paula O 12-27-2011 04:53 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland.../pet32_350.jpg
Did you hear about the blonde gal who went to the pop machine and put in her 25 cents and out came a soda? After that she put in another quarter, and another, and another…Time went by and there was quite a line behind her until one gentleman spoke up and said, “Excuse me, Lady, can we have a turn too please?’
The blonde smiled sweetly at him and replied, “No way, not while I’m winning!”

Lettik 12-27-2011 09:38 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Hi, Loved the duck joke and the
t-shirt. In fact, all are funny. Here's one:

************************************************** **
There was a man who got a chance to talk to God and ask him a couple of questions.


Man asks:, God, How much is a penny worth where you come from?
God replies: My son, a penny is worth 1,000,000 dollars.


The man asks: God, How long is a second in time where you come from?
God replies: My son, a second of your time is equal to 1,000 years.


The man thinks a minute and then says: God, Could I have a Million Dollars?

God replies: Sure, just give me a second.

************************************************** ***********
I'm a newbie and working on my signature.
Lettik

Paula O 12-29-2011 04:16 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
I like that one, Lettik! Thanks for sharing. :) Welcome to the group--I'm glad you've joined us. I got a kick out of this one:

<B><BIG><BIG><BIG>Rules For Better Writing</BIG></BIG></BIG></B>
<B><BIG><BIG><BIG></BIG></BIG></BIG></B><B><BIG><BIG><BIG>(Unknown Author)</BIG></BIG></BIG></B>
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Paula O 12-31-2011 04:42 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic”. Some have come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

Paula O 12-31-2011 12:37 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also, pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

Lettik 01-02-2012 01:18 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Paula; You are amazing. One right after another. Wish I had you around on a daily basis to increase my "laughter is healing emotion". Thanks so much!!
Lettik

Paula O 01-02-2012 07:11 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
http://www.benitaepstein.com/doctor%...-1013-full.jpg

Hi Lettik,

I'm glad you like the jokes. I'm hoping LOTS of folks will share more jokes, cartoons, and funny things here too that they come across or search for--I'd LOVE for many to contribute funny stuff to this thread (hint, hint! :). Actually, I wasn't much of a joke teller before I had cancer--am the kind of gal that sometimes forgets punch lines and am more on the serious side naturally.

I was so shocked, sad, and overwhelmed about the cancer initially, I sure didn't "feel" like looking up funny stuff--it seemed trite to me actually. A friend who is a psychologist recc two very helpful things: that I find something funny daily and share it with somebody else and also that I do something enjoyable every day, even just a small thing when I was not feeling well. It's been really good for me to go out of my way to develop more of a sense of humor, laugh at myself more, and cultivate looking at the funny side of things. I've discovered that it's downright fun to offer something that causes others to smile or laugh-- it's sort of like sharing little gifts with others. :) It's sure worth giving a try IMHO if there are folks here who haven't tried seeking out humor daily. C'mon guys,if you haven't already, join me in posting funny stuff here! It doesn't take long at all to look up jokes and cartoons on the internet and they recycle very nicely.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~ Mark Twain


Here's another joke I like:
4 Worms in Church
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service.”

Paula O 01-04-2012 05:10 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic … “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Paula O 01-06-2012 06:58 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Bubba & The Psychiatrist

Bubba went to see a psychiatrist.
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy’ he told the psychiatrist.
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the psychiatrist.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barber cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a barber cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
http://www.medijokes.com/images/bubba.jpg
Git ‘er dun!!!!!!!!!

Paula O 01-21-2012 05:53 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
AFRAID OF THE DARK
A five year old boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to
go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be
afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look
after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure
he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help
you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness,
he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the
broom?”

Paula O 01-27-2012 03:38 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
I posted a humourous account of a colonoscopy in my blog today that I got a chuckle out of: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/928


Hey you guys--do you like jokes? What tickles YOUR funny bone? Got any good ones you can share too?

Paula O 02-11-2012 07:13 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or who feel like it)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (My husband is at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack. ;)

Chuckling at this humor,

Paula

NEDenise 02-22-2012 07:57 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Hope you enjoy reading about my Travels!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more
often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible
but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial
but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times;
the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent;
but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Wishing you safe travels.

Mtngrl 02-24-2012 05:31 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
That's a good one! Thanks, Denise.

Paula O 02-29-2012 03:44 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Denise, I think it's fun to play around with words too. Here is a similar rendition to what you posted that has a Christian bent that I added to my blog recently. I enjoyed making up a few of my own In Cahoots additions: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1019

and another joke...
BAR MITZVAH BEE Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. “Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been so cold and wet and there aren’t any flowers or pollen to make honey.” “No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left, keep going until you see all the cars. There is a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of flowers and fresh fruit.” “Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee; as he flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked the second bee, “How did it go?” “Fine,” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
The first bee then asked, “Hey, what’s that thing on your head?” To which the second bee replied, “It’s my yarmulke. I didn’t want them to think I was a WASP.”

Paula O 08-24-2012 01:36 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this; that ole’ fly never knew what hit him!”

Paula O 08-26-2012 01:22 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
”Only in America…
do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America…
do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America…
do banks leave vault doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…
do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America…
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER…
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ’practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used
on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?”

chekmark 08-26-2012 07:03 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
This is a really old one but still one of my favorites.

A lady walks into a plastic surgeons office and said that she needed a quote for a face lift, she just wants to remove a few wrinkles and look good. He said he would be happy to do it but it would cost $5000.00. She said I don't have that kind of money do you have anything cheaper. He looks at her and said well...... just recently we have invented a new device. No one will see it, we put it on the top of your head and your hair will hide it and everytime you start to sag you just turn this device and it will tighten everything up and it is only $500.00. She was ecstatic and said I will take it.

She gets the device and goes home and all is going well, when she would sag she would just turn this device and looked good again until one day she noticed these 2 pimple like bumps on her face. One on each cheek and they would not go away so she thought she better go back to her surgeon and have them looked at.

She goes back and explained to the surgeon that everything was going well until she developed these pimples. He took one look at her and chuckled. You ready for it.... He said maam, those aren't pimples, those are your nipples and if you pull that thing any tighter you are going to grow yourself a beard.


Hope no one is offended, I just love that one.

Paula O 08-31-2012 04:24 AM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
http://her2support.org/vbulletin/att...1&d=1317931730

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law."

Paula O 09-06-2012 02:55 PM

Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
 
Taylor Mason Comedy Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-14f...eature=related

Michael Joiner's fast food bit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCknl16rSoI

Paula

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He supported himself by growing potatoes in his large potato garden. One Spring morning, about planting time, he wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For goodness sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area, but after they looked everywhere, they didn’t find any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba


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