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I'm all done - why depressed?
This may sound really odd, because my cancer journey was not without issue. Prior to diagnosis, athletic, doing well in career, etc. and finally feel like I've crossed the finish line. Implants exchanged a few weeks ago, and only thing left is nipple reconstruction. I should be ecstatic. Instead I feel so much pressure everywhere, from work to make up for lost time, to boyfriend for not helping enough with home projects and to myself, for not training for that 1/2 marathon. I feel like I "owe" everyone for all the assistance, but I worked all through treatment although I did call in sick when I couldn't make it in. I know I will need a vacation but used up that time for treatments and surgeries. I don't want to discourage those in treatment, but I still feel "tired" which I don't get. Even in the worst of chemo hell, I always put my running shoes on and went out, even if I couldn't go more than 5 minutes. It was the act of trying. I don't even try right now. I'm worried I was getting so much attention before and now I'm just a normal person, still struggling with words and complex thoughts and just tired of it all. Maybe this is normal, but I feel like I should be ecstatic and I'm not. Would love to hear from anyone else that felt like this; feel free to PM if too personal.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
IrvineFriend,
What is exactly feeling normal? . I imagine its different for everyone who has gone thru cancer/chemo. Both mentally and physically you and your body have been beating up.We have had body parts removed from us,drugs put into our bodies that no one should ever have in them! Some of us feel like we should be stronger and more tolerable of txs then we are or We should be thankful that we're not stage2,3 or 4 But the fact of the matter is all of us have our struggles during and after cancer wether it be guilt, fear or weakness or depression .The Dx of cancer and the endless txs as well as the unknown become very taxing on both our minds and our bodies ,so in my personal opinion what your feeling is normal (I at times feel the same way) Allow your self to feel what you need to feel and then pick yourself up off that floor and become the person you want to be . Best of wishes. (There is nothing normal about cancer or the drugs used to cure it) |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Hi Irvinefriend,
I'm not in your position, but you sound so much like me! So I can give you a little advice that I'd struggle to take on board myself. You sound like someone who works so hard and has put their all into a major battle and done brilliantly, and now you want to catch up on all the 'work' (in all areas of life) that you missed. But you have probably used up all your emotional and physical resources in this fight, and will still be affected physically by the treatments. Sooo, here's the advice I'd be so bad at taking: Break this new post-treatment phase into 3 stages - 1) try and take some kind of a holiday/rest/pamper to rebuild yourself - you really do deserve it! 2) Give yourself permission to build up slowly, maybe over 6 months or a year - you will just make yourself feel horrible if you set impossibly high goals while physically and emotionally you've got every reason not to be 100% better yet 3) When you do get back to feeling normal let yourself start on a clean slate instead of feeling you are a year "in debt". You will do well and get back to overachieving...don't push yourself too hard too soon. If the depression continues too long, don't be afraid to seek help, but in the meantime, think about how you would treat your best friend in that situation, and try to do some really nice, gentle things for yourself. The time you spent being treated does not count as me-time:) Hope you feel better soon, but keep posting either way xo |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
I felt the same way. Its another transition we have to go through. I was so mad at how all my appts etc were interfering with my life and then when they are gone I am like.. wait what about me. It feels like it has taken almost a year for me to get used to the new life without treatments and appts. Getting over the fear of not being watched so closely. Its part of our journey that seems to never end.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Julie, what you're describing is SO normal. It's no fun, no matter what, to be in this phase of post-treatment doldrums -- but I've always thought that it would be a lot easier on us if we were warned ahead of time to be aware that it might happen.
You name all the contributing factors. For one, our public (usually including loved ones and definitely including acquaintances and workmates) so want us to be back to "normal". With the best of intentions, they encourage celebration and normalness, without any understanding of what's going on for us. And there's so much going on. Most women, in order to get thru the rigors of treatment, put a lot of the emotional stuff on the back burner during that time. There's just so much to deal with during treatment that for most it becomes a day-by-day challenge (physical issues, next appointments, treatment choices, etc). So when treatment suddenly ends, most are left facing many of the deeper fears that come with a cancer diagnosis. It's as if those things see their opportunity (not much else is happening, finally) and they emerge demanding to be addressed. Add to that the fact that it takes a LONG time to recover, physically, from breast cancer treatment. I've heard it said that one should allow twice the time of treatment, for our bodies to recover. And, as others have said, that "full" recovery will be to a new normal and (alas) probably not the same as it was before cancer. Each person finds different ways to get thru this time. You WILL find what works for you. It will go most smoothly if you can be patient and gentle with yourself, and with those around you, too. I think that when sitting down with a navigator or oncologist way back in the beginning, and again thruout treatment and certainly toward the end -- there should be discussion of this phenomenon that is SO common. In the course of our cancer education, we hear about other aspects of treatment -- side effects and how to manage them, cautions about lymphedema, etc. But rarely do our providers educate us about what to expect as treatment ends. It seems to me that knowing that these doldrums do happen to most women would make such a difference -- because we wouldn't be wondering what was wrong with us, and using our emotional energy trying to live up to the celebration going on around us. Good luck to you. I hope that your starting this discussion will be of help to you, and to others who are nearing the end of treatment. Debbie Laxague |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your understanding all of this stupid emotional stuff. The hardest part for me is I don't feel like I think clearly like I used to. I struggle with sentences, names, words, etc. all the time. I know it takes time so I'll take everyone's advise and hopefully this will help someone else out as well. I was SOOOoooo happy when I finished radiation, they had balloons and a gift (earrings) and a certificate and the person I spent the most time with cried when she hugged me goodbye. It's just a new and different phase.
Thanks again! |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
I think your emotions/mood are common. I experienced them also. You will see from some of my other posts...I had my stitches out from my exchange surgery on a Thursday morning and on Thursday afternoon my husband and I took off on a 1 1/2 week driving vacation out west. I just needed to clear my head. We went to Santa Fe, NM, Taos, Pheonix to visit friends, Grand Canyan, Flagstaff, Rocky Mountain National Park then back home to Chicago. It was alot of driving but I just needed to commune with nature to clear my head. It helped me so much. I was so vacation deprived because I was so strong through the surgery/treatment and too very little time off because I was scared of losing our health insurance etc. I suggest something to clear your head.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
I could have written this two years ago...please be kind to yourself and give it time. Good old time- it really does help. Yes, do something to clear your head...dh and i went to sanibel for a week and sat on the beach under an umbrella! I am one year out from last herceptin and am finally back to feeling normal. When you're in the middle of it you really don't know how bad you feel. Take care.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Thanks again for the PMs and posts. I don't think we talk about the lasting affects of chemo and treatments and the impact it has on those that HAVE to work through it all. I needed the insurance and my new job was upward. I want to let you know that I took everything you all said seriously. Told my boss (President) I need a break even though I don't have the time in May and said I would take it without pay. He responded they will pay for my vacation, not to worry. So instead of crying and worrying about my job, it's a bonus. I did not let anyone know at work know how bad treatments were or how it was affecting me. I wanted to be exactly the person I was before but I wasn't or couldn't be. The reality is, they know we're suffering, just not exactly how. By the way, I have been working in Oncology drug development for years, but switched to something else similar and didn't think they would understand. They did.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
By the way, I'm kayaking and camping in Olympic National Park in WA State with a friend in early May - Hoh forest. Can't wait. Would not have made this step/commitment w/o you all. Thank you!!!!!
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Oh, I'm so happy for you. Made me tear up a bit reading about having to work through chemo (here in Australia private health insurance is not tied to work and is reasonably affordable for many though not everyone, so it's more just about paying living costs through chemo), and not being able to take more leave, and then your boss's response.
Good on you and have a wonderful holiday!!!!! Glad you raised this important issue too, as it sounds like so many women experience some post-treatment struggles. |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Good for you. Ahhhh back to nature. This will be so healing for you!!
Enjoy! |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Hey Julie~
I totally felt like you!! My doc even said it could be a little PTSD from cancer. It's leveling out for me finally. It feels like it's taken a long time. After 12 months and 18 chemo treatments it was weird to not have chemo/cancer the focus of my life and everyone else around me. Take it a day at a time - it will get easier and better! I'm to the point now where I'm ok that not everyone knows I had cancer and went through chemo. I'm starting to think about my life without think of chemo. My hair is looking fairly normal and I don't have the fuzzy wuzzy face hair as much. Things are feeling better. Hang in there!! Very exciting that you are doing something so fun in May!! Wahoooo!! Thinking of you~ Your friend~ Jeri |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Julie,
I FEEL exactly the same way!! It is like okay you are done...snap, snap. And I think if I could just have ONE whole week off without pay and take a vacation and do nothing but relax.....Man, that would be I think so helpful. But it is like I feel like I have taken advantage of my work because with each part of treatment I could not be here full time. It is like you just want people to understand without telling anyone how you feel. Man it is so hard. I read your message again and I am sitting at work, and I just wanted to cry and cry hard.....But I am not. We do need to talk about all this after effects much more it would help me too!! After all, who can afford to take time off to go to counseling...This board is my counseling. :) |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Thanks everyone for their replies. I'm gearing up for a really stressful week next week that involves travel to Mexico, etc. and I had two episodes that required me to take time off from work just last week. My cat got out and I live in Coyote land so I had to find her and then I tripped and had to have my elbow stitched back on and feel horrible taking time off that I don't have. So I wanted to report that people DO understand (at least some of them). My boss asked how many weekends I've worked lately (as he knows I have had to) so I have sick time back in my bank. I told him it's not necessary and then I remembered your kind words of wisdom that surgery, etc. was not "me" time. I was so grateful because I was feeling like they're going to fire me now that I'm cancer free but instead he wanted to make sure I felt comforted by not having a loss in wages should I be injured by something stupid. The elbow thing was quite gross actually! Thank you all for giving me strength. Like Linn, I don't have time for counseling or really anything else going on, so this really has kept me sane. I kind of lost it which prompted this email initially but you all brought me back to reality. So thank you.
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Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Ouch!
I am sure that elbow is painful. Hope it won't interfere with the trip up here to our misty woods! Just make sure you have lots of gear to stay dry in our rain forest! And I do believe that you will feel better after this trip. A few days away in a different environment will do wonders. |
Re: I'm all done - why depressed?
Julie Have a great trip to the northwoods! Good luck with the elbow healing should not take too long hopefully
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