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-   -   rambling thoughts and what I vow (http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=50954)

Pinay88 08-03-2011 09:41 AM

rambling thoughts and what I vow
Ever since my diagnosis with breast cancer, I have gone and still am on one heck of a roller coaster ride...literal ups and downs, corkscrews and twists. Ironic that I love thrill rides but this is one that I would rather have not gotten on to.

Physically, I had to say good bye to my boobies and each day I am torn between the extreme sadness for having lost parts of me that nurtured and nourished my babies but at the same time relieved that where my cancer grew has been removed and if losing them will help me to see what becomes of my children when they grow up then so be it. I am truly blessed to have a husband whose eyes and overwhelming affection shows me that he loves me no matter what.

Mentally, it has been a drain. I guess like anyone else with this diagnosis, I was driven to find out as much as I could. Big mistake. As a neonatologist, I bounce around figures quite a bit when talking to families of really sick babies. My training is staunchly based on what the 'evidence shows'. The numbers I read up on weren't so reassuring and just scared myself out of my wits. Instead of stopping, I zealously searched for more, for something that will dispel what scared me. Then I remembered a miracle I had witnessed. A 24 week old GA neonate weighing a little over 500 grams with the most horrendous entry into this earth... a full on code and more. Grave concern was aired about how she would do if she survived. She not only survived. She is a healthy, happy and beautiful girl who's 5 years old this year. I certainly cannot deny myself the possibility of a miracle...I have seen it happen. I know better now. I am not a statistic. I am unique and these numbers do not define me.

Emotionally, there are no words to describe what I am going through. There is the fear of the unknown. Will I be around long enough to cherish more milestones in life? Will I ever get the chance to fully realize the dreams and goals I had planned on? Meet my husband again at the altar for our 50th wedding anniversary? And then I realized, all of us really are stamped with an expiration date but those without this disease can carry on with life treading lightly. For me, the reality of my mortality has been made quite clear. Will I then go day by day scurrying and afraid? Then it hit me...I am blessed. For I will make sure that every day counts, every moment. And if the Good Lord wills for me to be around for much longer then I would have served Him well by living my life better and making myself a testimony of His power and love.

Spiritually, I was in a rut. Now, I declare unabashedly that I have truly found my faith again. When I 'came out' with my diagnosis, family and friends poured in with their love, support and prayers. What was heavy was made light. I admit that I still have my low moments when all the figures and research come racing to my head and I frighten my own self. But I believe that I am not the one in control now, He is. It is hard to let go of being in control. So I figure, it'll be this way... I will do what is humanly possible but I accept that I am in His hands completely.

I went to church today. In the first reading, God had asked for 12 Israelites to canvass Canaan, the land of milk and honey...their promised land. Upon their return to the desert, 10 had reported that indeed the land was rich but already populated by big and fierce people, so no way could that be The promised land. They doubted the Lord. The same Lord who had delivered them from slavery in Egypt and parted the Red Sea to lead them to safety.

Tears filled my eyes. I will not doubt. His power is far greater than anything in this earth. I will submit unto Him all that I am and He will take care of the rest.

snolan 08-03-2011 11:55 AM

Re: rambling thoughts and what I vow
Your post says it all. I too went through that stats phase, but realized that I am not a number. God has a plan for me, it is not for me to know but I have to live it to fill it. So live I will!

Jackie07 08-04-2011 05:41 PM

Re: rambling thoughts and what I vow
Well said!

Was just reading the quote by Dr. Hans Selye (M.D.) at the beginning of his book entitled 'The stress of life':

"... dedicated to those who are not afraid to enjoy the stress of a full life, nor so naive as to think that they can do so without intellectual effort."

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Everything you've said will certainly benefit someone on this Board. I know it has spoken to my heart...

ps. Remember to read the new research about Her2 stats posted by Lani not long ago: http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=50781

bejuce 08-04-2011 10:29 PM

Re: rambling thoughts and what I vow
Thank you for your beautiful post, Pinay88! Your words rang so true to me.

chekmark 08-05-2011 06:11 AM

Re: rambling thoughts and what I vow
Beautifully said. I see that your are just starting chemo. With your attitude you will sail thru it. Gold bless you. Stay strong. Darlene

Pinay88 08-06-2011 08:34 PM

Re: rambling thoughts and what I vow
Thanks :) Writing this was hard but I really needed to channel my thoughts and feelings. I am glad that we all find comfort in this solidarity and know that we really are not alone in these emotions/experiences.
Darlene, yes, I am just going to start chemo. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Will keep you all posted.
God's blessings to us all.

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