too many odd things
 

I hesitate to write this as I am not one to ask for help but I am feeling so lost lately.
I had my first scan floowing the start of kadcyla june 13 and first ever brain scan mostly because of instinct. The CT scan came back with a small decrease in kidney met and I've had obvious improvement with abdominal issues so even though I'd hoped it gone I am satisfied with that. My MRI however showed 2 areas that looked like it is on the the meninges of the cerebellum, larger on the right than left. When my onc looked at it he said he was not convinced it was cancer and sent me to a neurologist who agreed it was "different". He sent me for a higher resolution MRI that showed it actually on the surface of the cerebellum but not invading it, thus no symptoms from pressure etc. Bandlike rather than mass you would expect. He said to see radiation onc and neurosurgeon. Able to see radiation that same day, (they know me and got me in) I have some great, understanding doctors. He and his partner both said it doesn't look like mets but no one knows what it could be or won't say. I couldn't get in to see neurosurgeon till Mon. so I am carrying this all around with me and one minute feeling very positive about it the next minute reminding myself none of my mets have been"typical" breast cancer mets so maybe this is my way to brain mets too. Then thinking if it is cancer this is all taking so long will it grow too big to treat easily? I'm guessing I'll have to do a biopsy but I keep hoping he looks at scans and says I've seen this before and it's nothing. In any case, I have always been very positive about my treatments and confident to carry on but right now I'm torn between crawling in a corner for the next few weeks or punching something because under it all I am so pissed off (hope I didn't offend anyone, sorry if I did, I'm usually not like that). Boy do I see people pleasing in that last statement...
Anyway I am so tired of putting my family through this including my sister whom I am very close to and lost her son my dear nephew 2 years ago and has the loss of a loved one still fresh and raw. And most especially my dear husband and kids. I cry as I write this for them and their lives that revolve so much around my garbage. I am not depressed but I have so many emotions going on right now I'm not sure I know how to handle them. I talk to God and meditate and I try to deep breathe but sometime there just ain't enough deep breathing possible! I have always been one to carefully check how deep the water then jump without hesitation. I like to decide and do and I'm being held back.

Thank you for listening I feel better for having written this so I am very grateful to have this forum, Christine and all the people that made it possible for me to vent to.
Hugs to all,
Cathy

Re: too many odd things
 

Cathy, my heart aches for you. I hate what this wretched disease does to us and especially our loved ones. Praying that what they are seeing is truly nothing to worry about.

Re: too many odd things
 

Hi Cat.. Sorry to hear about what you are going through! I hope this is nothing serious and your doctor may want to " wait and see". If everything is stable then chances are they are nothing serious. Its natural that once we have cancer, we relate every change in our body to cancer. I do the same thing !

I too would rather not have my close ones deal with this but it is impossible to exclude myself from what i am dealing with.. that is just part of me unfortunately. But they are also the reason why we fight this diseases so we can be with them as long as we can.

Sending you hugs ((()))

Re: too many odd things
 

Oh, stressful . . . and this is your first brain MRI? The issue with MRI is, as the head of breast health surgery put it Monday, specificity. There is so much detail the scans pick up every little things, leading to a high rate of false positives with cancer. Then the surgeons are obligated to follow up to determine is it a malignant or benign condition.

I would suspect that you might be facing a biopsy, but I'm no neurosurgeon.

I hope you receive the answers you need on Monday. It is better to know. I would say that your intuition served you well. Have faith in yourself that you are making good decisions, and have now put yourself in a good position to make the most informed decision about your healthcare.

We are hoping the best possible news for you!

Re: too many odd things
 

Cathy, I'm so sorry and it does sound very stressful. All I can say is it's a good sign your oncologists didn't think it was mets and benign things can happen in the brain too.

If it is the worst, we will be hear for your. Make sure you let us know. But until then, I am thinking positive, maybe just an old bruise or something.

*super big hugs*

Re: too many odd things
 

So very stressful for you. I hope that it is just a "funny" anomaly and nothing worse.

Re: too many odd things
 

I'm in the strange anomaly camp - here's hoping xx

Re: too many odd things
 

Hugs toyou dear cathy during this stressfull moments. Hoping that results next week will bring the good news. Holding you tightly and praying that everything will be ok.

Love,

Paty

Re: too many odd things
 

Will be thinking of you, with all fingers and toes crossed.
Best wishes..... Pam

Re: too many odd things
 

What you are feeling is very understandable, so please don't beat yourself up about it Cathy. It's normal (given the incredible circumstances that occur in many of our lives here) that we have the good and bad days. It sounds like you have a great team of doctors behind you, and I also send hope and hugs that this is nothing serious at all. Keep in touch.
Best wishes
Marie

Re: too many odd things
 

Cathy,
I'm so sorry that all this uncertainty will stress you out for days! So unfair! As if you didn't have enough worries on your plate.

I'll be praying for good news on Monday! And also for you, and the ones you love to find some peace as you wait.
Denise

Re: too many odd things
 

Thank you all for your support and well wishes. I am in awe at how supportivr you all are in your own times of need. I am doing better mentally today and trying to focus on how I feel pretty good physically. I am trying to live by my fridge magnet " Get on your knees, and thank God youre still on your feet".
I have felt all your hugs and prayers and sending mine to you too.
Cathy

Re: too many odd things
 

I know it is hard . Try to stay positive until you know for sure what is or isn't going on.

Re: too many odd things
 

I'm so glad you were able to write out how you were feeling and share...truly this is tough stuff to face...so thankful we have eachother!!
Know I'm sending prayers your way!! Huge Hugs!!

Re: too many odd things
 

So I saw the neuro surgeon today and even though my brain thingys don't look like normal rounded mets, (they are band laying on the outer edges of the cerebellum, 2 of them) he can't imagine they aren't mets and in light of having kidney cancer he posed the possibility that they could be kidney mets which don't respond well to radiation. My best option is surgery to take them out and bioposy to know what we are looking at because I guess post treatment would be different too.
I have had 3 people tell me how good he is and I'm in good hands and I also feel comfortable with him. Instinct tells me he is good and I like him. My biggest fear is the after treatment. He said I may have balance issues which should be temporary and I'll be on the dreaded steroids. He had me start them since I have been getting headaches and I'm going on vacation Fri. (come hell or high water) returning Wed. and surgery on the 30th. There is something about going into the brain that is mind boggling but I know I'm not the first so I've measured how deep the water is and I guess I'll jump.
Please say a couple prayers and thank you for being there. Thinking positive and happy there is a plan.
Cathy

Re: too many odd things
 

Cat,

I'm very happy you saw the neurosurgeon and now have a plan.

So . . . brain surgery, wow. Sounds crazy, but there are a lot of experienced cancer survivors out there who have spent time with the neurosurgeon. I hope they could tell you the experience wasn't as bad as they thought it would be.

I pray that this neurosurgeon turns out to be amazing and your little mysterious spots turn out to be something benign, completely harmless, and nothing more than interesting conversation pieces.

Enjoy your vacation. You've earned one!