My latest feelings
 

I woke up this morning with a pounding chest and finding it hard to breathe, then My 8 year old son came in a put the blankets over me and my daughter(5) who was asleep next to me. He said, MomI'll cover you up so you can sleep in a little and snuggle into Emily. I get lots of snuggles with you. Keeping in mind my son is boarder line Autistic "Aspergers Syndrome" so everything is very logical with him . I lay there for a few minutes hugging my little girl and watching her, then I thought, what wonderful children I have. I can hear my husband getting up with Kyle and them in the kitchen talking like buddies trying to let the girls have their sleep. I thank God for the lovely beautiful family he has given me and his beautiful way in telling me "To get Up, Take Advantage of what you have, Enjoy them and they will help you heal" My anxious feeling started to fade,. So I got up and we finished our decorating and cleaning for xmas. My son also had practise at he church for the christmas story tomorrow that he is taking part in. So it was daddy and emily time this afternoon and mommy and kyle time. Kyle is doing the ending to the story. And once again made me fill up with pride. But it also gave me the resolve to take whatever life throws at me, it may not be nice at times but I will make sure that I am her for these beautiful children, no matter what it takes, for when I need something, it seems they sense it and knows exactly when to hug, or kiss or just make mommy laugh. Our day today has been wonderful. We're setting up the christmas train, making gingerbread cookies and house, then we are wrapping the gifts for our family members that mean so mcuh to us. It is snowing here beautifully (Newfoundland, Canada) and we're hoping to get out tonight sledding in our garden with the outside fire going. I may have cancer, I may have to deal with it, but it won't rob me of our wonderful family times and memories that we have always had. I may be getting a little sentimental but Im feeling so calm and healing now I thought I'd share it with your girls also. Hey I may be on the way to accepting this and not letting it defeat me.
Thanks girls for showing me the way.
Dawn

Re: My latest feelings
 

Yeaay! You are doing so well. It may not always feel like it, but from the sound of it you are handling things great, considering the circumstance. And you are sooo blessed to have such a supportive husband.
My son has been my best medicine, too (six years old). You have the right attitude. Fight for your kids so you can be here for them. It worked for me. I'm currently cancer free and pursuing my dreams and my family is better than ever. Hang in there. There are brighter days ahead. I love your images of the snow and the cookies (we're making gingerbread men today, too) and the train and the tree. Sounds like my childhood Christmases in Minnesota.
Enjoy the season,
Celeste

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

I'm so glad you posted today, I can feel the energy in your post.
Even though my girls were older at my diagnosis - 17 and 20 - they were (and still are) my reason to fight this beast, no matter what it took. Also for my mother - who is just 19 years older than me, and I know my diagnosis crippled her, but she hid it well and was a great support.
I hope you and your family enjoy your Christmas, and that the feelings of peace and love continue forever.

all the best
caya
(your Canuck buddy - not snowing here in northern Toronto today, but we have snow on the ground)

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn, beautiful sentiments. Great attitude. Be sure and keep this so if you have a dark day you can remember how you feel right now. That is how my journal helps.
Keep the faith. Have the best Christmas ever.

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn
What a gift you have given to others who may be having a hard time today.....although my children were grown, its grandchildren for me that keep me fighting....the road has not always been smooth, lots of bumps along the way, but after years of stage IV disease, I am at peace and look at all the special gifts I have been given over the past years...that I may not have noticed if it wasn't for the cancer.
What an uplifting post!

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

Great attitude! Thanks for sharing.

Now, about the waking up with chest pounding... Did you have a nightmare? Did you sleep with your hands folding over your chest? If it happens frequestly you might want go get it checked out.

Re: My latest feelings
 

Jackie,

I don't think I was dreaming at least not that I can remember. I just woke up with a rush of wow, this is real. I've been doing that for a while just not as bad as today. Any Ideas!!! I did have a nightmare that I had to battle this huge green alien thing in my basement stairwell. He wouldn't leave my mother or daughter go until I fought him and he wouldn't go near my son because he was behind me. I think in the end I defeated him but I didn't wake up that morning with any fear. I remember waking my mother(who was staying with me until Pete got Home) and telling her all about it. I was very angry because how dare he touch my mother or my precious daughter. Hey, I even remember that my Kickboxing skills were awesome( I took classes for 3 years, for exercise). Any thoughts.

Dawn

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful day with us. You are adjusting well. Children have a way of inspiring us to do our best under the some of the most difficult situations. I thank God every day that I get to wake my children up and tuck them in at night. Enjoy these special moments.

It must have been gingerbread day. I also made gingerbread houses with the kids. I think they ate more candy than they put on the houses. Took lots of pictures. You can't beat days like this. We have the advantage of realizing just how special our time with them is.

Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family.

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

"When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras." It could very well be that you were just missing your kickboxing practice...:)

You have a very demanding schedule there taking care of two young kids while going through treatments. Night mares and dreams can happen due to the stress during the day. Sounded like your husband is taking quite a bit of burden off of you.

I can only share with you my own experience. Both me and my husband's case are rare, especially for our age at the time.

My husband has had high blood pressure since he was diagnosed at 19. He was told to 'walk 30 minutes a day, rain or shine' by his cardiologist after he had had 3 stents put into his heart arteries at the age of 43. He actually had started 'walking' way before that. He used to be a runner, then a jogger, then a walker (when he started suffering from 'runner's knee.) Anyway, before he had felt shoulder pain and went for a stress test, he had already been experiencing a repeated 'nightmare' and waking up 'breathing heavily' (with his hands folded over his chest)for quite a while.

I'd always had dreams and repeated nightmares before my brain surgery took out the culprit - a big 'rock' in the center of my brain.

With your treatment history, I think your doctor would not refuse your request for a test/examination if the problems are bothering you. "It's all in your head." I've heard it many times in my life from my doctors. And goodness gracious, were they right!

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

I am glad you are enjoying the moments, that 's what life is made of. Have a wonderful Christmas and forget the rest, let God take care of it. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us, that means so much...

Paty

Re: My latest feelings
 

Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful family, may the peace you found this morning be a constant companion to you all,
Hugs,
Diane

Re: My latest feelings
 

Dawn,

Thank you for such an inspiring post.

On the tough days, remember: You have cancer; cancer does not have you!

Re: My latest feelings
 

Thank you for sharing that with us. My 9 yr old brought me breakfast in bed this morning, complete with scrambled eggs and a cup of tea. It was lovely snuggling and sharing the egg. These memories we make are the most important thing in the world.

I went for a walk in the snow this afternoon with my friend who lost her mother to breastcancer when she was 7. Her mothers' sister married her father and took care of the kids, but an aunt is not a mother. We talked about the memories she had of her mother, and all she could remember were the times they spent snuggling in bed, and the things her mother said about her: that she was an independant person, that she was able to trust her instincts, that she was clever, and that she would make something of her life. My friend is 50 now, and I can tell you she is fulfilling her mothers' dreams for her. It has guided her throughout her life.

So I'm trying to tell my kids what I think are their best qualities. I try to encourage them to think for themselves and I hug them, make jokes and try to inspire them. I take them seriously as persons. That's the best thing I can give them, I think.

Jacqueline