God has answered my prayers and returned my favorite onc to me, right back here in Boca (after 5 yrs as the head of the onc dept at U of Tenn). This doc was w/me from the getgo, in '95. I adore him in myriad ways.

He has decided it is time for me to graduate. Paul and I have considered giving up my dependence on Vit H (Herceptin) for 5 of the last 10 yrs, at this onc's urging. We weren't ready before.

Now is the time. This is my Now. This is my *Satori* time. (Zen for Presence.) I am forging ahead somewhat untethered. I am, of course, moving forward Vigilantly --taking every 3 mnth bld tests, ev 6 mnth CT scans and transvaginal pelv sonos. Annul diagnostic unilateral mammo and sono. (I had lobular. It tends to hide. And when you see it, it is very very progressed.) Self-exams mnthly. Onc exams ev 3 mnths.

I am keeping my port, as I have not a single good vein. My one good vein, in my right wrist, now has a hematoma (from last June's CT scan contrast). So I must flush ev 6 wks. And I will get a special order to use my port for my Dec CTs, which is what I have been doing since '98.

But -- my great news is that -- I AM FREE. I FEEL FANTASTIC! And the psychological impact is stunning. I had not realized the toll 10 yrs of H was taking. Going ev wk (for 3 yrs) and then ev 3 wks forever (it sure feels like that anyway), sitting in the chemo rm among many who are way worse off than me, has been tremendously trying. I thought I was coping well, ever cheerful, befriending some but losing too many. So it has been more grueling than I thought, I now see clearly.

Yes, I (almost) always have a positive outlook, but am so deeply saddened by the losses -- it has all rocked my world. I try in ev case to transmit what I have learned on my journey, to guide, in the hopes of not only inspiring but helping others to alter their destinies. Sometimes it works, and I have no words for the joy that brings. My friend Rochelle (since '69, back in Dix Hills, Long Island) swears I saved her life. I am grateful to have her remain in my life. She is a blessing to me.

So, I am moving forward. Yes, a bit apprehensively (I am in the guinea pig group after all), but I feel mostly jubilant!! Now is the first day of the rest of my life. I greet each day with -- THANK YOU FOR THE GIFT OF THIS DAY. I try not to waste a single one w/dread, sorrow, remorse, worry and so on.

I am moving onward and upward, on a wing and a prayer. My own, and any that are offered. I BELIEVE I can continue to be a miracle.

My former onc has submitted a paper to a med journal mentioning me and my remarkable success. I would like more company in this group, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am moving over and making lots of room for you. I am waiting for you, anxiously and with open arms. So, please, do your very best!!

Command your bodies to perform their given tasks well, bringing you health and STABLE reports... Have faith in your power to bring that to yourself. THE POWER OF THE ENERGY OF YOUR THOUGHTS IS MIGHTY!! Decidedly dwell only on positive ideas and images! Experience the bad scary thoughts and the emotions they bring and move away from them as fast as you possibly can. You deserve to live in joy, full of harmony and wellness. Don't consider any other possibilities. Refuse to allow such visions to fill your head.

I promise to stay close... How could I not? I love each and every one of you. My Sisters and Bros, Warriors of the highest order!

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gs...mals-butterfly