Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Thinking of you, Merry.

Amelia

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Thanks so much Amelia....thanks to everyone here who has been so nice to me! I feel like a bitchy, whiny complainer when what my Mom is going thru is so much worse and she never complains...I don't feel worthy to be in the same universe as she is sometimes. God bless all of you here! Peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

It sounds like she is scared of the word "Hospice". It would be good if they could describe it in terms of giving her the best quality of life for however long she is with us. I'm sure they and you have tried your best to frame it positively so I can really understand your frustration. Thinking of you,
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Thanks Trish for your kindness. You could be right about the word scaring her, hell it scares me! I hope the nurse will come and talk to us about it so we can figure something out. Mom seems to think that if she gets into hospice she won't be able to go and see a doctor anymore because they'll handle everything. I don't know how it works but I can ask.

Sorry it takes me so long to get back here sometimes. But I can't get online every day. It's hard to keep up with things here. I really appreciate the feedback I get and the good vibes from you all.
Take care, peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

I too hope the nurse can come and talk to her and perhaps allay some of her fears.. She really needs to feel she has some control and I'm sure most people would feel the same way in her situation. Don't feel obliged to come online and reply-you've got more important things to worry about. I hope you are finding ways of sustaining yourself during this difficult time.
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Merry,

Explain to your Mom that 'Hospice' is just a different 'billing' and if her condition improves, she will not stay in hospice.

My late Mother-in-law was in the nursing home when her condition went 'down hills' and was placed under Hospice. (She stayed in the same room, but received more attention because of the visits from the hospice nurse.) A couple of days later, when all the family members were gethering around her to say 'good-bye', she 'perked up' and became quite normal.

We suspected that there might have been a 'natural bypass' that had cleared a blockage somewhere in her brain.

If your Mom is doing well without receiving active treatment, Hospice for sure will take her off their program in no time.

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Hey Trish....can I ask you what kind of dog is in your pic? It's cute and wooly looking, lol.

I can understand Mom's fear a little bit even tho she knows the outcome of this damn cancer racing thru her body. But it's not like Hospice is a death sentence. That's already determined. It sure would help me if Hospice came to "spell" me so I could just go out and not worry about rushing to do things and get back home. She doesn't see it that way, how it would be a relief for me. I know that sounds selfish, but I just miss my husband, my dog and my desert....I begged her to go back to NM with me. We'd drive and have a ball. I have to "adopt" her whacky boxer anyway so she could live with us and we'd take care of her. And she'd see how her dog will get used to a new environment. But, I also understand how she doesn't want to leave her own home and familiar surroundings. I miss my own home and my yard and I have another boxer out west and I miss her too.
I'm also trying to convince her that an electric wheel chair would help her get around. I want her to get that scooter you can ride outside so she can go on walks with me. Her legs hurt for some reason and she gets too short of breath and her pulse goes way high if she tries to do too much. She has the lamest excuse for not getting a scooter....the guy has to come over and show her how to use it! WHAT? LoL He can show ME and I'll show her! It's so funny because when she first got a riding lawnmower she wouldn't let me teach her how to use it either. LoL I even got her a walkman so she could listen to her music while she mowed. So, I was the one who had to mow her huge yard, lolol..oh my Mama! She's got to be the best con artist, lol.
I wish I could get some decent sleep and rest. I'm mentally frazzled trying to care for her house, her yard, (if I don't do it she'll try and I can't let her do too much) the dog, her and my brother. He's 42 but Mom took care of him (and his gramma) all his life so he can't do anything for himself. Makes me crazier than I already am, lolol

I appreciate you "listening" to me. I don't have a place to go to "whine" about all of this. I'll tell ya what, I never knew what stress was til I came home to take care of my Mom in her last days. One of the docs said she'd not live past Christmas and it's almost Easter....she's a tough ol' bird! Again, thanks for letting me ramble...God bless you..and what is your dog's name? Does it have ears, lolol I'm sorry but it looks like a curly gray lamb....a cutie for sure!
Take care, peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Merry, I just came upon your thread. Let me say you are a strong woman, handling the impossible with good humor.
My question is this: have you (or someone) actually told your mother how much it would mean to YOU to have Hospice provide some care? If it was put in those terms, she might be more willing to allow them around. It would be taking the scary focus off of her and making it sound more like a respite for you. Which it would be, of course.
Keep the faith.

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Oh Merry, my head spins when I think of what you have to contend with. I too would be desolate without my husband and my dog, and I might even miss my kids! Boxers are such wonderful dogs. Archie is a "schnoodle" which is half schnauzer and half poodle. In Australia, or may be just here in Melbourne, we are big on crossing lots of different breeds with poodles so that they don't shed hair and so are less allergy producing. At least that is the theory. It started with "labradoodles" which were bred for people with low vision who had allergies to the usual labrador. It has become a bit of a joke with people and their "oodles"-comedians could be forgiven for sending us all up. Anyway our dog Archie is utterly adorable and is having a holiday at the beach at present with my sister who also adores him but doesn't feel she can commit to her own dog-mainly because she provides such a dizzingly high standar of care! Hmm-maybe she reminds me of someone! The kids will be very relieved when he comes home tomorrow.
I can also imagine it would be hard to be without your beloved desert-it really is a very difficult time in your life and the main difficulty is you don't know how much longer it will last-it could be a long time. I'm a bit concerned she may outlast your resources. Don't get me wrong I hope she lasts a long time but not at your expense.Your darling mother does sound like a fairly practiced con artist but you've been such a good daughter for such a long time you don't want to blow it at the end. I am reluctant to make any suggestions as only you know the situation intimately and only you have to live with your decisions but from the other side of the world it seems like you would be justified in the occasional ultimatum (to your mom, to your brother?? ). Do they realise that your resources (like everyone elses on the planet) are finite?
Anyway come online and "ventilate", as my middle daughter would say, any time.
Stay well Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Ahhh...a schnoodle! My cousin has a labradoodle named Lucy. She's so sweet but kind of too passive and wimpy for some reason. Can she be taking after her owner? LoL I know where you're coming from about my Mom and her time on earth. She doesn't see her oncologist anymore because she doesn't take treatments so any check ups come from the family doc. I don't know if that's the "right" way to do it, but it's her way, so it must be ok. I'm getting so tired that I don't trust my decision making anymore, I could sleep for a year! I don't think my brother cares about how this is affecting me, he's just happy that his life can go on as usual and that someone else is "doing" for him what his Mama did. They're talking now about the garden and he's telling her how to open up the plastic covering he has on some early plantings....like she has the strength to do it! She is short of breath, her legs hurt, and she tires so easily! CRAP! I wanna live in HIS world! LoLoL

Bonnie....I believe the visiting nurse has told her how much help it would be for me if she was in Hospice but she somehow tunes it out I guess. I think when she's having a good day and "allows" me to go to the river to walk the dog for an hour or so that's my respite and enough for me. When the nurse comes I hope to be home so I can take him aside and speak with him about Hospice and what it all means. I could SCREAM about how I wish I had time to do something I like to do instead of taking care of this grungy house and my lazy brother. Looking after Mom is enough of a job, plus her whacked out dog. I really can't say anything to her about how Hospice would be a help to me because it sounds so selfish and mean of me.
Ahhh helllll....I don't think I'm all that strong....just doin' for my beloved Mom the best I can.
Thanks ladies for your support and allowing me to "ventilate!"

God bless you all...Peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Don't we all wish we could live in your brother's world! Glad you know some oodles too. I find them (and their owners) a touch embarrassing like I joined a club I didn't mean too.Keep ventilating and doing whatever you can to stay sane,
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Cripes...I was watching CBS Sunday Morning and it was all about pets, mostly dogs. Americans donated 1.something to the Haitians for the earthquake they had, but spent something like 48 billion on their pets! There are something like 156 million pets in America so half of the country owns an animal, or I should say an animal owns them/us! I think that those mixed breed dogs are alot healthier than purebreds because they're interbred to keep the breed pure. Not as large a doggy gene pool, lol. We had mutts when I was growing up mostly. I only got into boxers because years ago a kid I knew was going to have to give his up, and Ty was about 6 months old so Mom and I took him in. He was just like that cartoon dog Marmaduke, which I don't know if you get in your lil' corner of the planet. Then when he went across the Rainbow Bridge, (here's a link if you've never heard of it) Mom took in a female boxer named Daisy who was so sweet but neurotic. Her previous owners got rid of her because she barked. WTH?? And she rarely barked unless someone came over, jeez. Some people should NEVER be allowed to own a dog!

This boxer she has now was a stray and he's got some serious mental issues. He bites but not out of anger, it's fear. I watch The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan and I've been using some of his techniques and it's helped. The boxer my husband and I have out West is a sweet and mellow girl and I am hoping and praying that Shooter and she will get along when the time comes for me to leave here and take him out to meet my husband and Sage. I'd hate to have to get my own apt just to keep Shooter alive....if he gets too mean I would have to have him put down. He bit my brother really bad when he was setting up an oxygen tank for Mom. Shooter is scared of the tanks, but he likes it when Mom will let him breathe some of it, lol. He is overly protective. But a good dog most of the time.
I can ramble on about dogs forever! There's a good reason that to spell the word dog backwards is God. Dogs are all about love and that is what God is, pure love.
Poor Mom...I saw her sitting out on the deck in the sun and she looked so faraway and alone....even with people around this dying is a road we have to take alone, and it just sucks. Trish, I wish that she would just fall asleep and not wake up. I horrify myself when I think that but it's going to happen anyway right? And it would be so much less painful for her. Her legs hurt and she is so short of breath when she just stands or walks from room to room. It's mostly expected but it's limiting the things she wants to do like just work in her flowers a little bit. I don't want her to just sit around staring at a tv set waiting to die, better to be outside in the Springtime air doing something she enjoys....I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I can't think and I'm tired all the time. When I had cancer I wonder if she felt this way? But, mine was caught in time and it's been nearly 20 yrs since they removed my 'babymaker' and I guess God's plan was to make me better so I could be there for my Mom....lol Mysterious Ways!
Well time to make Mom some breakfast if she can eat. She had one of those granola bars and says it made her so full she feels like a stuffed turkey. lol It's all that fiber in those things.

Take care and thanks for sharing your time with me! OODLES of ODDLES!! LoLoL Peace, G http://www.cyberpog.com/popups/rainbowbridge.cfm

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

I could "rabbit" on about dogs for ages too. And I'm very guilty about the resources they consume. But I can't help loving Archie never the less.The insights pets give us into the relative contributions of nature and nurture could keep us posting for ages! But I'll cut to your mom (feels strange, we say mum in Australia). When I realised I had a 'terminal" condition (don't we all , its called life?)I started looking for books because I really wanted to know what it was like to die. I'm a believer in hoping for the best and planning for the worst. I had a friend and work colleague who would also read the books so I had someone to share with. My sisters ended up reading the books too which was really great believe it or not. The saddest I read was an account from the point of view of a young woman with cancer (early 30s and 1 year old twins, journalist) with sections from her husband and sister. Close to the end her husband tells of them sitting with the twins at bed time, him with one and her with the other, and her just disconnecting to the point where the little one on her lap (all of 18 months) slid off and joined him and the other twin. That was when death became real to me. It is not being able to be there for those you have sworn to protect with your life. One can really only go there on ones own and you can only let your mom go when the time comes. It's her journey. Just before my mother- in- law died she was very agitated and my husband and his brother were trying to settle her down and make her lie nicely in the bed. She was saying things we couldn't understand and the boys were hanging over the side of the bed asking her what she was saying. Eventually she said "I didn't say anything" and I realised it was time to let her go. It was the last thing I ever heard her say and it was clear that we had to stay behind and have the grace to let her go. She died only hours later. You are doing the best you can but it is her journey. I think you are right it is like birth in that it is one of the two really important events and we can only do it our own way. I hope she doesn't have too difficult an end. I think of you often,
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

I was thinking about getting Mom some books, but her vision is poor and she has a hard time reading the paper with 2 pair of those drugstore magnifying glasses on and a magnifying glass.
I bought a large puzzle for her to do and it was originally my plan for us both to do it but it's on a desk with only 1 chair. I advise her when she gets stumped on whether some pieces fit, but it's her's to at least not sit in front of the tv all day. It seems that I'm the one who is watching her fade away and I see her in her weaker moments when she doesn't know I'm there. I don't know what to do or how to help except keep cleaning the house, fixing my brother's lunches and dinner, feeding and walking the dog, working on her flowers for her and I try to entice her appetite which she is losing. I still get mad at her and I don't mean to, really but she's still my "old" Mum (a nod to the Aussie Lady, lol) who has managed to annoy me off and on my whole life.
Then I feel guilty knowing that in awhile I'll be crying and wishing that she was there to piss me off again! What a paradox, lol
I had to get her car worked on today. It's gonna be at least $1400 but we need a car. It's really my car anymore anyway and it has to take me back to New Mexico when the time comes. I've been sitting here at the car shop for 7 hours and I'm down to 2 hrs on my lappy (my laptop lol) and I finished my book. I'm sick of watching ESPN and I still have to get groceries and have never been gone from Mom this long. CRAZY DAY! I need a vacation, lolol a day at a hotel where I can sleep for 12 hrs would be so sweet!
Oh since you're a dog person I have to tell ya this story. I was walking that whacked out Boxer Shooter and I saw some pretty daffodils growing along the road so I stopped to take a pic of them. (I take my camera everywhere). I was crouched down in front of a group of them when Shooter wandered over, cocked his leg and PISSED on them right when I took the pic!! LoLoL Mom was so amused when I showed her. I had to post it on my facebook page so my family and friends could see. What a nutty dog! Ok, that's my tale of woe and not so much woe for today. Thanks for letting me bore ya...and tell Archie woof bark bark!

Peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Shooter and the daffodils..hmmm...says it all....a dog of not so fine sensibility. Glad it gave your mom a laugh though. Keep up what you are doing, its very impressive. I'm sure if my kids ever did for me what you are doing for your mom they would get super exasperated with me, quite understandably. It's called human nature.
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Happy Easter Ladies and Gents! It was a pretty good Easter for us. Mom was outside in the Spring sunshine and enjoyed looking at her profusion of Spring flowers. She planted 50 pink tulips for breast cancer and kept saying that she "just wanted to live long enough to see them bloom." Well, she has! My cousin Lauri came over for dinner and we sat around and shared some laughs until Mom got tired and needed to lay on the couch and "suck some oxygen." lol As she calls it.
They tried to tap her lung Friday (wouldn't ya know I was sick as could be again? lol) but couldn't get too much fluid out for some reason so her shortness of breath didn't go away like it has before. I'm hoping it's not a sign of worse decline..oh jeez, I made a rhyme, lol. I think I'm going to call her old radiologist and ask if he thinks she can have radiation to maybe shrink the tumors in her lung. She isn't taking chemo because it makes her so sick so maybe that would help. Her oncologist said radiation wasn't an option because the cancer is in her blood so therefore all over, but that seems like dumb reason to me! And to Mom. All I can do is ask.
Anyway, I'm just pleased that today was a good day. I hope God blessed everyone on this Easter..peace,

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Glad you had such a nice Easter. We have been treated to superb Autumn sunny days over here too. Hope things continue to go as smoothly as possible,
Trish

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

hi merry,
just want you to know that you are not alone.. and that I am thinking of you and your mom.

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Hey Folks...haven't been able to get here lately. Been busy around Mom's house. Trying to keep it clean, do laundry, take care of the dog, cook, and watch after Mom is taking all the time I have and then some. I miss my husband and our dog, and the desert. It seems that in the walks I take with Mom's dog, he ran into some poison ivy so now I'm one itchy b*tch! lol
Mom wanted to get her hair cut, but I decided to give her a perm. She has very short, fine hair but I got the curlers in and she has all these pretty soft curls now and she looks like an angel! I tried for years to get her to perm her hair and she loves it! She doesn't need a hair cut now thankfully. She gets very tired and short of breath if we go out and she has to walk for too long. We had lunch with my cousins and she was fine til we walked around the Dollar General store so she could shop some. I know she misses shopping but it takes alot out of her. She won't carry her oxy tank in public (her stubborn pride, lol) so she gets worn out faster. She says she feels like she'll have to have her lungs drained by next week, so a visit to the doc is forthcoming. It's like watching someone slowly drown in "invisible" water. The doc put her back on prednisone (steroid) but it jacks up her sugar to over 500. So that could cause her to go into a coma. So I am stepping her down from 2 a day to 1 and then she will have to stop for awhile til her sugar regulates. The only thing is that the steroids make her feel so good! She can move around easier and not as short of breath but having her sugar levels that high are bad too. See, she needs to have a Hospice nurse here to help ME when it comes to her meds. I tried to tell her that but once again, she is being stubborn, so I just muddle along trying to do my best.
Well, thanks for letting me ramble on! Wishing you ladies a fabulous Mothers Day and I hope every moment is a moment of joy and love! Peace, G

Re: I'm Taking Care of My Mom
 

Merry, what brings you joy? Maybe a tub full of bubbles and a phone conversation with your guy?
What brings your mom joy? It could be the littlest thing that makes her see and feel like her 'ol healthy self.
I spent 3 years caring for my mom. I figured out that the little things that brought smiles were the best and the things I still can smile about. Would someone coming to clean ever so often make you smile?
Just think of the things that bring joy. There's no perfect way.
Much luv to you both. ma