Becky's 2000th post commemorative thread
 

Dear Friends:

As you know, Becky is fast approaching her 2,000th thread and I thought I would like to give something back to her for her dedication, sense of community, and for just being an all around super person. I tried to give her a peanut butter and sweet relish sandwich, but it just plugged up the CD/ROM drive. Apparently I need the newer version of Adobe Acrobat to send sandwiches, but who knew?

Anyways, since I couldn't give her one of the world's tastiest sandwiches, I think I can at least give her a laugh or two. With that in mind, I suggest that we honor Becky with a Clean Joke thread. Simply put, if you know a clean joke (there are some, I checked in Wikapedia), a riddle, or even a pun, post it here and maybe we can brighten up Becky's day, something she has done for so many others.


I'll start:

What do you cal a boomerang that doesn't come back?


A stick!


Good job Becky!

But all becky is thinkiing about...
 

Lee, I love your idea (although it's bound to be quite a challenge). Just one question,

Was this prompted by Becky's recent obsession of thinking about people thinking about nothing but sex????? Not that I have anything against that of course, and I suppose it WOULD keep our minds of BC!

Becky, can I think about sex,too?

Great idea Lee - I bow to the master.

Becky: Congratulations on 2,000 posts and a great big thank you for all you contribute to our community. I have learned so much from your posts.

************************************************** **************************************************

A piece of string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him suspiciously. The bartender says "Sorry, buddy, we don't serve strings here."

So the piece of string walks out. As he’s sitting in the gutter outside feeling really thirsty, the string thinks "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting, turning, wiggling and fraying a few threads here and there.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Hey, aren’t you that string that was just in here a minute ago?”

The piece of string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Bravo Gerri!!! Well done!


What is red and bad for your teeth?



A brick.

How about a Red Slelton as Clem Kadiddlehopper sketch?? These were the days of LIVE TV ... some things could just NOT be controlled ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F-je...eature=related

Q: What did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?
A: A bucaneer!

******************

Q: What do you call 500 indians without nipples?
A: The indian-nippless 500.

**************************

...a three legged dog walks into a bar and shouts "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

******************************

OK, I'll stop now.

A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew were on a desert island.
The sun was beating down, and it was getting hotter and hotter.
The Frenchman declared, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have wine."
The sun continued to shine, as the German cried out, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have beer."
It was getting even hotter when the Jew looked up at heaven and said, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have diabetes!"

I can only think of dirty jokes so I looked around online for Jewish jokes and this one cracked me up - the whole hypochondriac thing and all - I guess I can relate. Kudos on your 2000th post. May you live to post 200000 and may one of them contain news of a cure:) Blessings to you!
Flori

Gotta Love the Irish
 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde).

The policewoman asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a police officer.”

Okay - this is my real 2000th post (since the number changes everytime you do post). Pink's sheep joke prompts the only joke I know. I didn't post it before because its NOT dirty but a bit off... Since this is my dedication thread, I'm posting the only joke I know

Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A: A sheep

A blond went with her date to a seafood restuarant.

She was intrigued by the lobster aquarium and asked the waiter why they were there.

"People pick the one they like and the cooks drop them into a pot of boiling water to cook." replied the waiter.

"OH NO!", exclaimed the blonde, aghast at the thought.

A few moments later, the blond picked up her large purse and excused herself to go the the restroom.

Sneaking up to the lobster tank, she placed each one in her large purse, then slipped out the front door.

The blond proudly went into the woods and set the lobsters free!

A police officer walks up to an overturned car in the middle of the desert. A blond is standing next to the car fixing her lipstick and using makeup to hide d some minor scrapes and bruises.

The officer asks the blond what happened. The blond replied, "It was frightening, I was driving down the road and this tree came out of nowhere right into my lane, I swerved to the left but the tree was soon right in front of me again, so I swerved to the right, and pretty soon the tree was right back in front of me, so finally, I swerved real hard to the left and my car rolled over."

The officer looked at the lady, shook his head and said, "Ma'am, your in the middle of the desert, there are no trees, that was your air freshener."

Somehow this one screamed Becky's name....


EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's
these breasts
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I
am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and
snagging them on bushes.They're a real pain,' Reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her
body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears,
etc.........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more
'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured
that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up
right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden
of Eden .

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow
has her bull.
All
the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and
I will
immediately ; create a man from a part of you. Lets see
....where did I put
the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Absolutely my darling. Absolutely

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Sheila:

That was just brilliant! You copied the George Carlin 'say nothing' routine. Not many could pull that off, but you were spot on! Well done!


What do you do with a no legged dog?


Take him for a drag.



What should you name your no-legged dog?


It doesn't matter, he's not coming when you call him.

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra -Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.

ed's great grandpa, paddy was out celebrating st patrick's day at the local pub and really tied one on. he had so many that mick the bartender had to cut him off.
paddy replies, "ok mick, i'll be on my way then." paddy spun around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face. "what the....", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. he takes a step toward the door and falls flat on his face again. "dang!" he says. he looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get some fresh air he'll be fine. he belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame and falls flat on his face. "by jesus i'm soused" he says.
he can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. he crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. he takes a look up the stairs and says, "no flapping way!" but he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and thinks, "i can make it to the bed" he takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. he says, "this is bad. i really gotta stop drinking." he manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.
the next morning his wife comes into the room bringing him his coffee and says,"did you have a lot to drink last night?" paddy says, "i did jess, but how'd you know?"
"mick called-----you left your wheelchair at the bar."

Juanita, that was really funny.


What is big and yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

(That is my youngest daughter, Maire's favorite joke.)

I cleaned this up a bit
 

Pink Girl, thats real funny and it brings back fond memories.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a campling trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,"I see millions and millions of stars,"
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarte past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorlogically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me someone has stolen our tent!"

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


FLOOR 2 These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:<S>
</S>

FLOOR 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it! '

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.<O:p></O:p>

You guys have me cracking up! I'm the most pitiful joke-teller there is, but what is white and black and red all over...........a newspaper....Love ya, Becky!

Sorry guys
 

And they say blondes are dumb.

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. From the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

Roosters
 

Subject: Roosters


John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the b ells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet , do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair a nd he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise award as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Steph, and all of you, lol! Pssst, hey Becky! Hey, Becky! Wake up! How do you fix a chimpanzee?............use a monkey wrench.....

what's a ghosts favorite kind of pie?



booberry

I'm new to this site, but not to bc. i am a friend of Maryann D and lurk. Ladies and gentleman of this site, I have come to love you all, so I am going to tell a joke. I love to laugh because cancer cells hate the sound of laughter so we make the enviorment very hostile to cancer. Ever little bit helps.
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'

Sorry. got cut off. Here I go again
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"

Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had died.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"
"Yes Father, he did", responds Mary Margaret.
Father asks"tell me, what where his last words Mary Margaret"
Mary Margaret looks at Father Pat and says yes.
Father Pat is getting a little angry and asks, "Well Mary Margaret, what were James' last words"
Well Father, replies the bereaved widow, "James, my beloved said Mary Margaret, put down that gun."

Soryy about the three false starts.... Liz T

Welcome LizDT!! LOL, love it!

Oh, Vi - 'University of Oklahoma'- hahahahahaha... all my okie relatives will love it!

Andi's joke
 

jeff was sitting at the table and reading the paper during breakfast. he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was primarily known for his lack of intelligence. he turned to his wife and said, "i'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." his wife replied, "why thank you dear!"

Oh Brenda
 

I hope they love it -- never mean to offend anyone!

Another Blonde joke
 

Two blonds living in Boston went out one night to the sea shore. They sat on a bench looking up at the night sky.

Blonde #1 - I wonder which is further, California or the Moon.

Blonde #2 - Well duh, that's a no brainer, California is further.

Blonde #1 - How do you know that?

Blonde #2 - Can you see California from here?