Gee, I feel shortchanged, I just fell off the barstool.

Sheila, that Chardonnay joke was hilarious!

st peter and satan were having an argument about football. satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked team. "very well," said st. peter. "but you realize, i hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." satan replied, "i know, and that's all right. we've got all of the referees."

My onc told me this one the other day - (he has 4 kids all under the age of 7)

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants...

Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original
$1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you
would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have
nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
recycling,
you would have $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Hi gang!
Hope this one is "clean" enough. Most of us can relate ...

Subject: ROOM 302



A sweet grandmother telephoned <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://her2support.org/vbulletin/ /><st1:City w:st=St. Joseph</st1:City>'s Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number? '

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ANYTHING.'<O:p

Roflmao...

Tide Testamonial
 

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Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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double roflmao

Hey peeps! We need to freshen up this thread - most of us need a good chuckle! This is fairly timely ...

Doctors' Opinions ofGovernment's Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**holes in Washington, D.C.

More jokes, anyone?
 

WE STILL NEED OUR CHUCKLES to keep our Endorphins working!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

My oldest daughter, Heather, has a very warped sense of humor. I cannot for the life of me figure out where she got that. Anyways, these are examples of jokes that Heather thinks are the funniest:


What is red and goes up and down?

A tomato in an elevator.


What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.


What is long green and has six wheels?

Grass, except for the wheels part.


She may be a big goof, but she's my big goof.