kat in the delta
 

Thanks for all the advice Sheila, Barbara, and Tom---I like a man's view on this. Gotta go run to that Onc., who my husband chose me to see-----no counselors at this tiny place--just chemo, 1 Onc for all & foreign (where males are dominant), and 2 onc.nurses. Will cont. when I return......I would like to get that big dog house....kat

Dear Dear Kat
 

My god you are brave. I don't know that I could stand up to what you are dealing with.

I will keep my opinion of your husband to myself for now as that won't help matters any. But if I were to share any of it, I would have to include get rid of the bum....he's a very broken individual.

But now for something more constructive. Is there any way you can talk him into couples therapy. Perhaps a trained therapist can make him understand what's really going on in his little heart and brain and lead you both on the road to healing...whatever that may be.

My heart goes out to you and without even seeing you, I know you are a beautiful woman. Don't let him make you forget that...ever!

God Bless and Keep You
Ginagce

Get the dog house
 

Put it in the yard and then see how your husband reacts. Maybe even make a sign with the DOG'S name on it to reinforce the hint.

If you have been sleeping (or reading/computing) in separate rooms before your diagnosis, then you have to make a compromise. What about the nights that he does not have to get up to go to work?? Does he put a lock on the door?? Have you ever crept in and slipped into bed beside him (not on the side with the dog!)?? Don't forget his favorite scent if you are not allergic.

Here is another idea, but very personal. Many men are subject to erectile dysfunction, and maybe this is getting to be an issue with him??

People are very complex "animals" and there is likely no easy answer.

Keeping the house in "pre-cancer" order when you have cancer treatments IS IMPOSSIBLE. Little piles appear here and there waiting to be dealt with. Pretty soon it is easy to ignore them and the disorder gets worse. Even if your husband or sons help with keeping their stuff straightened up, other things - like little repairs, etc., just take root on shelves, tables and window sills. Tell your husband that you are also mentally exhausted and that the situation between the two of you is not helping. He may not like to hear this, but you can say it if it is true. The outward disorder becomes a reflection of inward disorder and fatigue.

Getting out is a big boost to morale. So doll yourself up and take a walk in the mall - even by yourself. A change of scene lets your mind sort itself out a little. You must have some nice parks that you can take a bit of food to and get some fresh air (without the dog!).

And don't forget to HUG YOURSELF. This is what we do at the end of our workout with my cancer survivor group.

kat in the delta
 

HELP!! He is now getting angry at me. He will not take me ANYWHERE ! I need someone to talk to...He does not understand that chemo makes a person even slower than they were.....please tell me where I can show him a site or some info about this. I was never on the spot ready, but chemo has really taken its toll on me and he just gets mad at me ......
Anyone know a site or info to send him....I am not even sure of his e-mail address..he is very secretive......??.....kat in the delta

kat in the delta
 

Tom,
I need a man's advice or opinion,OR ANYONE HERE to help me......... My husband will not take me Anywhere...I am getting depressed...I am still taking some chemo..and I just cannot get anything organized. To take a bath is exhausting. This morning, He Told me to do something for his friend who just lost both of his parents in less than 3 wks.. I did get a card and wrote a long message in it... I made the mistake of trying to cook them something, and when he got home the kitchen was a wreck...He got angry at me and yelled....HE said I probably made it low fat and it would not be good anyway...and blah,blah....Guess.I should not have attempted to fix a - Thing-- as it Wasted my whole day....and Now night as I will go back into the kitchen to try to clean the MESS I made up.HE will go to HIS bedroom while I go and clean up--gotta go as the computer is in HIS bedroom. I sleep in the room where his dead mother used to sleep. His parents always slept in separate bedrooms and we moved into their old house right before I was detected with cancer..I feel like I am his mother,as she would tell me that his father never really loved her............. I even shiver at times when he is around......I do not like anyone being MAD at me...................I want to die at times, but usually just ask "God to help me" over and over again. I just cannot do everything or anything like I did before this Chemo and cancer bout. Glad you guys are here on this site, and glad I have my dogs here at times like this--(Fang the oldest) is 16 yrs old and I have his baby-"Coyote" and my husband claims her Mama as His dog and lets that dog in his bedroom .................... Kat in the Delta

kat in the delta
 

Reviving old site---please give me your opinion...kat

Kat,

I know that I feel very unattractive even though my DH still looks at me the same way, and tells me it doesn't matter. I only had a lumpectomy, but it left my bc breast a good cup size smaller, and with quite a scar. The bald head and "power port" add to the lovely image.

In the back of my mind I think DH is just faking it when he says it doesn't matter...and maybe he is...but so what! No one goes out to have elective surgery to look this way! I don't buy the idea that "it doesn't matter". Of course it matters. We have problems with the way we look, they probably have problems with the way we look too...but they still love us. Our DH's have to deal with thier own feelings too. Maybe yours is struggling with his feelings, even feeling guilty about it.

Now for some practical things that helped me..... I found that if I covered up what was bothering me I felt more sexy. Maybe I'll feel different later, but right now I wear sexy night gowns that also strategically cover the bruised and battered parts of me. It takes a little shopping, but you can find them. I put makeup over the blue area left from the sentinel lymph node procedure and the bruising that lingers from the port insertion. I light candles, which are very flattering to the body image. I am thinking about going out and getting another wig, "just for us". I also find that not talking about bc for a few hours before, and trying to talk about other, more pleasant subjects helps put me in a better mood.

All of that helps me forget about it for a while too....we deserve that. Not to be too direct, but after all we've been though, we deserve great sex! Sometimes I have to remind myself that sex is good for me, and my husband, and our marriage...especially now, when we are both under such stress. It is another way to take good care of yourself.

Best of luck,,, I hope this all smooths out for you :-)

Dear kat,

Please realize that you are not about a breast, you are far more than that.
You are a woman - a woman who has faced a difficult dx and kept going
forward. If your husband lost a arm or leg you would still feel the same
love for him. It's not about body parts....believe me.

Hope you begin to feel better.

Kind Regards,
Jean

Do you think maybe you have an abusive husband? Abuse isn't just about hitting. Perhaps you are making excuses for him because you have cancer and you think that's a big stressor on him. But maybe you are cutting him too big a break. Have you checked out some of the domestic abuse sites on the internet.

I agree with MJo. Sorry to be blunt, but if your recent post are at least somewhat objective (and we all have our own perspective on any given situation) then your husband sounds like a bit of a jerk (maybe more than a bit....). Maybe you need to talk to a professional who can help you see the situation clearly and make some positive decisions for yourself. Or, if possible, go to some professional counseling together.

You did not have any control over your cancer or chemo, and I feel terrible that you don't have a spouse that "has your back." There are many things to ask yourself. Why are you afraid to have people "mad" at you? Why do you care if you are organized? Is organization a top priority for you or for him? You just might have to readjust your priorities for a while. Why do you feel so much pressure to please him? Are you comforted by sleeping alone? What about you? You want to die sometimes? You would want to die to get away from this? No, what you want to ask God for is the strength to help you make some tough decisions and to pray for peace and solitude, or for a partner who doesn't make you feel so vulnerable.

If you were my sister (and I have 6 of them) I would give you the following advice (be warned, these are tough questions): Who are you? What makes you happy? Why are you in this situation? Is it a temporary situation? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Are there changes that can be made? If we don't make conscious decisions for ourselves, they are made for us. Not making a decision is making a choice. We cannot be a doormat unless we lie down. Even if you don't have the strength now, formulate in your mind how you can make your life better down the road. Be very honest about what you need from you husband and talk this over with him.

Do you have family, friends or a professional that you can talk to? You need to be empowered by someone -- if not family or friends, perhaps there are some books you can read. No one is all good or all bad. You will have to figure out who you are and what you stand for. What are your standards?

We can't get over things until we get through things, and that's where the work is. Those are the tough questions. Please don't misread this post, I'm trying not to preach. I just want you to think differently.

I am a strong person but very thankful that my husband was part of my cancer journey. He will be gone one year on April 9th. One of the things I miss the most about him is how I feel "vulnerable" at times because he always had my back so to speak. We were partners -- equals! I wish that for you! Maybe you can be stronger standing alone. There are many people on this site who are single. It's how you feel. Negativity around you is a big stress. Do you need that?

I truly wish you well and hope you find the strength and support you need. Be well.

kat in the delta
 

Thanks for mentioning abuse can be OTHER than physical..He does mentally abuse me....Never taking me anywhere....and not letting me sleep in the same bed.........I will look for sites, if YOU know one please foward it .thanks, ONC apt now ,---------------- Kat in the Delta

Kat, as a professional counselor married to a psychologist, we believe that you are not the problem! You definitely need to talk to a professional for help and advice, even if your husband won't. Start with your oncologist, if he is someone you can talk to. He may be able to listen and help you himself or to suggest a counselor who works with cancer patients. Join a support group---this one online is fantastic, but maybe you also need a group to talk with in person, if one is available there. Maybe you can start one with the help of your oncologist or the oncology nurses, whom I have found to be wonderfully supportive and caring. You have taken an important step by talking with the wonderful people on this site, because often the hardest part of the problem is admitting there is a problem. We often feel we have to be "loyal" to our mates, no matter how they treat us. This is typical of abused wives. Don't wait for your husband to go to counseling, he may refuse. You go alone if he won't go . A good counselor will not tell you what to do, he or she will help you see your options. Think about options. Do you have to stay with your husband because of insurance or to have a home? It is extremely difficult to see options when you are not feeling well physically and emotionally. But find support somewhere. There has to be someone who can help you. Tell them what you have told us. It appears to me that the problem is not with you making yourself more attractive, but with a husband you may not be able to please no matter what you do. All of us here can see what a special person you are, and you do not deserve to be treated badly! Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. And if you want to email my husband and me for what counseling we can give you online, please don't hesitate to do so. My email is pairadox1@beyondbb.com. And no matter what you decide to do, keep in touch with us here, this is a caring, loving and understanding place! Hugs, Tricia

Kat I too, feel unattractive although my Husband says thats my view not his. He has continued to support me in so many ways especially when it comes to the sex part... We had a very wonderful sex life and still do when it happens... Most times I feel very tired and ugly. I see women who have long gorgeous hair and I envy them my husband always loved running his fingers through my hair and sometimes I catch him running his fingers up the back of my neck only to remember that the hair is gone...I simply turn to him and say "it's gone baby" and he will say right back to me..."it will be back". I know it will and thats what keeps me going. I know I will beat this.. we will beat this. Cancer has an uninvited presence in our lives so we have to do everything in our power to show it that it doesnt belong, to continue to live, continue to grow, continue to love. I go bald almost every where my husband thinks I am gorgeous that way and he says its my badge of courage and I have the right to do so. One day recently we were waling in a store hand in hand and we passed by a mirror and I saw the person he was holding hands with and it brought tears to me my eyes.. I just looked up at him and said poor baby have to walk around with this on your arm... he looked down at me with a little hurt look on his face and said "Tricia, you are my wife and I love you and I am very honored to have you on my arm and I don't care what anyone else thinks" I love him so very much I know that he was sent by God to help me battle this evil monster called cancer. Stay positive, I know it's hard to do but we when we take back our lives.


BIG HUGS

kat in the delta
 

I tried to e-mail your husband....do you know if he received my e-mail from katcdale@yahoo.com Let me know. Thank you so much...kat in the delta

Kat, This is TriciaK in Utah. You sent a couple of emails to my husband, the psychologist. When he read them he said, "This is getting very serious! If he won't consider couples counseling, and Kat can't find a counselor to help her, it may be time to talk seriously with an attorney!" Your husband sounds as if he is getting more and more angry. Do you fear violence? You must get some help, Kat, someone who is there or nearby. Can you go to a nearby city if your town is too small or you are afraid of gossip? You husband sounds as if he may be a "good old boy" type who may have lots of male friends who would take his side against you. I hope that is not true! The financial things he is doing would not be legal in a community property state. Is your state community property? If it is he can't just take something that belongs to you both and sell it without you knowing about it or signing legal papers giving him the right. Only you know if it has gone too far for just counseling or if it is time to see an attorney. Do you know a clergyman you can talk to? We are worried about you, Kat, and hope you will get help soon before you lose everything or before this man gets violent. We decided it is best to talk with you via this website rather than using a computer he has access to. I will ask Joe how we can communicate privately through this website. Hang in, don't just give up! You do not deserve this kind of treatment! Hugs, Tricia