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Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Your tests will all be fine. Live in peace. I insist.
I see you far into the future. You are well. Walking nimbly. Dancing. Happy. Joking. Smiling. Laughing. Ninja concentration physically and mentally -- it surrounds you! We are all here visualizing you in this way. And, so it will be. ((((((((DENISE)))))))) just needs to get her mojo back. Rest easy. KNOW you are healing. Add some supplements. Please... |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
It's kind of hard, when we are naturally positive, hopeful yet realistic, to start to feel down because of pain and heath problems. I completely understand. Pain is increasing, I'm exhausted all the time, I sleep WAY too much and hate it, and I'm finding it harder and harder to find things to feel good about on a daily basis.
I'm not depressed like I was post C-Diff but I am in pain and having trouble doing anything. As the "funny cancer blogger" I'm having a much harder time coming up with humor in this situation to write about. I think that's okay but it doesn't make us feel normal, does it? I'm sorry. I hope it's the dex and the wean will get you back to your old self. Maybe your symptoms are some sort of neuropathy or something? Don't feel like you have to be positive all the time here. This is the place where we all should understand how hard this is - to be Stage IV, in treatment forever, all the pain and side effects - it's terrible and who else can understand but those who are living it? Yesterday, I had a bit of energy. Very rare. I cleaned the living room, so trick-or-treaters would not look in and see dog toys everywhere and a dirty carpet. I had enough energy to dust, vacuum, mop. Which I haven't done in weeks. But then I fell down - tripped on a vacuum cord. And, I'm in horrible pain today like a 90 year old would be. Bruised, achy, bones hurt.....I'm in my 50s, this is ridiculous that a fall i my house onto a carpet could do this. But it just made me think - THIS is my life? I'm young, I am still mentally healthy.....but I'm frail like an old person. It's hard to match the reality with what we think should be the reality. |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
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Ann - I feel your pain (from the fall at least). Feeling older than my years sucks! Dirty house sucks too... but I'm learning to live with it. :)
Doc called yesterday... among other things I'm sure... I have a UTI that wasn't showing overt symptoms because of all the steroids. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but I actually think my blechy-ometer score might be a tiny bit lower after only one hefty dose of Cipro. God! Wouldn't it be AWESOME if all this latest crap were related to something as easy to fix as an infection!? I still have to have all the nasty tests to rule out other, more terrifying possibilities... but... a little hope to hang my hat on is a beautiful thing. You know me... hate going to that "dark place"... worrying about my beautiful boys facing young adulthood without the unconditional love of Mom. Nothing can replace that, and I'm just not willing to let that go!! They may look like men at 14 and 16... but they're still my babies. So... sick reality that we all embrace around here... I'm actually cheered up by a raging infection... I don't even care if it's spread to my blood! Still waaaay better than the alternatives on the short list and the scary mention of WBR again. :) The weaning is on hold though. Fall risk is too great (trust me... it's like watching a baby learn to walk... people want to stand behind me to catch me!) So I'm back to 8mg/day with some talk of even bumping that higher next week if need be. Whatever! Again, with the waaaaay better than the other terrifying alternatives thing! So friends... thanks for checking in and for all the encouragement. I hope all of this isn't TMI... but... I guess no one has to read if they don't want to... and maybe all this shared info will help someone else down the line... at least I hope so. Love to all! Hugs to those who need them most! And prayers... lots of prayers! Denise |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
NEDenise, YAY infection, woohoo. Let's cheer for an infection lol. I really hope that's all it is, and you start to feel like yourself again. I don't like to hear the fear in your words, fingers crossed for you Denny.
Dawn xxxx |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Yes, double yay for the uti. Let's blame it all on that. Until proven otherwise -- which won't happen. Sorry you have to go through all those tests. Just to prove you're okay.
I have been there. Feeling sick all the time. Weak. Frail. I saw myself as a fragile person. I began to unconsciously treat myself as an invalid. Until I woke up and realized I had to stop that. Stop the visions of my babies (who were full grown, but still my babies) without me. I didn't want to miss a single holiday, birthday, whatever. And that's when I started to learn, or re-learn, the power of our thoughts. Guided imagery is serious business. We don't want our worst nightmares to come true. We have to THINK FROM THE END, meaning when we are through the process and at our desired goal! We have to see ourselves not as weak, though we are not stupid, and know that the precarious steps we take say so much. We have to determine that we are not buying into the story that is presenting itself. Realists don't succeed. Einstein reminded us that Imagination is greater than intelligence. So imagine yourself well and healthy. This reminds your body to remember what it feels like to be well and healthy. Our reasonable brains can hardly recall how that feels, but our bodies definitely do. They can replicate the symptoms of being well and healthy! We can't think, I am know I am going downhill, this is it, the end is near. That is wrong-thinking! Detrimental to our health. When we're in the process of getting to our dream, we will have crappy days on top of lousier days, but -- we are making our way to our desired finish line! Don't allow negative thoughts to rent space in your brain, please. For your own good. Cause what you think, will come to be. So use your power for your highest good. Don't let your unwanted thoughts rule your life. Plant some seeds and watch them blossom in front of your eyes! With love, Andi |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Denise, just a warning about the antibiotics, especially Cipro and others in its class - they are very good at wiping out gut flora and causing C-Diff. Which I had. Which I went septic from, which caused me to be in ICU and I was one blood pressure number drop away from having my colon removed.
So please, take some probiotics while you are on Cipro. Florastor is the name brand of the one that shows it can help prevent or fight c-diff, according to my infectious disease specialist. (You can google the generic name) They've done studies on this so it's real. Also, he said culturelle. You can't take it at the same time as your antibiotic but you time it a few hours apart. Also, make sure you eat yogurt and Kafir right now. Anything to bolster the good bacteria in your gut. With all the things that have happened to me with cancer, C-Diff was the very worst. It took me months to recover too. Not to scare you but I always worry when a cancer patient, with our faulty immune system and hospitalizations, is prescribed antibiotics. So a little preventative now might possibly save a lot of pain later. Google c-diff and imagine it as ten times harder than anything you've read. And I have a 16 year old too and no, I am not done raising him. I'll feel more at peace when he enters college and starts his major - he graduates this year. Of course, I'll never want to leave my kids but at least when he's off to college I know I got him to adulthood. Horrible. |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
I was just going to suggest the probiotics! I wholeheartedly agree with Coolbreeze. With the steroids, the cipro and all the other stuff that's been pumped into your body, you really do need them.
I know exactly how you feel re. your boys. Mine are 13, 18, 22 and 26. They all still need me. Especially as their Dad is not very good at parenting, having been abused as a child. He doesn't abuse them, of course, or I would have left a long time ago. Never lifted a finger. But he just doesn't have a clue about being a nurturing parent. He feeds them, gets them off to school, but that's it. The thing I am most grateful for every single day of my life, is that my cancer hasn't spread. I have several other health issues, preventing me from working for the last 4 months, but I am pretty sure they are not going to kill me in the foreseeable future. So let's stick around, shall we? BTW I seem to have gotten my latest UTI under control by drinking unsweetened cranberry juice (mixed with mineral water) and probiotics. Hugs Jacqueline |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Denise, yay infection! I don't doubt one dose could make you feel at least a little better. I am a phys therapist asst and have worked w elderly who seem to have gone off the the deep end and Lo and behold its a UTI! Not saying you're elderly or gone off the deep end but it's amazing what a UTI can do to our systems. Probiotics. Lots of fluids. And feel better. Hugs
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Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Okay... so
Tuesday afternoon... 1:00 echo to rule out congestive heart failure. 3:00 CT of chest/abdomen/pelvis... to rule out progression "elsewhere" Still waiting to hear when the lumbar puncture will be... Blechy-ometer score down from 9 to 7 (sometimes dips as low as 6.5 when chocolate is infused) :) Fingers and toes crossed. Hands raised in prayer! I'll keep you posted! Thanks for checking in, and for all the prayers and words of support. Now that I'm not feeling quite so baaaaad all the time... my positivity is starting to seep back into my day. :) Love to all! Denise |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Good luck tomorrow. I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Well, a modest improvement is still an improvement! Glad to hear you feel perkier and your chin is tilting upward a bit. Prayers for a clean scan and echo with a surprisingly robust ticker! We have not because we ask not, so I am askin'!
Hang in there, our Lil Miss Sunshine. These storm clouds have got to break this go 'round! |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Still praying Denise. Good news soon, I know it.
- Penny |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Never underestimate the power of chocolate!
Wishing you good news. *hugs* |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
Hi Denise,
Dang...you have been through a lot. I am hoping along with you and all the others here that you get a little better each day. Sending you as many good wishes as I can. You are a strong lady and an inspiration to all. Sure wish we could make it all go away. In the meantime, stay calm and give it hell! Hugs, Catherine PS...I would call this a love alert! Here it comes from all of your admirers. |
Re: NEDenise Downer Alert!
I will be checking back here constantly denise to know the results of your scans....love that you were courageous enough to delay the offer of immediate scanning!! man i am envious of the american treatment you are getting!!
All of our love and prayers on this site is aimed at the heavens right now. oh i am sooooo praying that rhonda is right. |
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