Thank you, Bill. And Gemma, my heart goes out to you.

I just got off the phone (international) with my 2nd Sister. We talked for over an hour because she couldn't reconcile the way my parents treat each other.

My father is 93 going 94, my mother is 8 years his junior. They've been married over 60 years. And my Mother started a 'cold war' three years ago when my Father brought up the idea about getting a divorce. She couldn't forgive him even though he had tried to appologize several times. Now his health has improved, he's going back to his old self. It is hard for my siblings to understand and to 'stand' it when they were over there (at least one of them each day even though there's a living-in housekeeper.)

It hurts my 2nd sister and 2nd brother to no end. (And my oldest brother and 3rd brother, but they are still working and don't go over there as much.) Of the six children my parents have, the middle two have the most trouble growing up and they seem to stay in a teenagers mindset and could not understand or accept human nature. They both spend a lot of time visiting my parents. But they both got upset after upsetting my parents.

Caregivers are angels. The best model I've seen so far is my Sister-in-law. I think it is because she is a professional ( a nutrition professor and self-employed nursing home consultant) and she takes care of things in a professional manner. It helped that she's clear-headed when everyone elses seem to be losing theirs.

She went to the nursing home and took care all the business when my Mother-in-law passed away. She got instruction from my Father-in-law and always stayed there longer than she had planned. She wrote all the thank-you notes and made goodies for people who took care of my In-laws. She always expresses her appreciation toward me because I have helped by cleaning up the house and take care of the laundry and dishes while she did the cooking. And I have never complained about my husband's spending time over my In-law's place.

Jack has not been working the last 5 years. He is under tremendous pressure (by himself and our financial reality now that I can't work) to get a job soon - but tomorrow he needs to go take my Father-in-law (2 hour round trip) to doctor's appointment.

Yes, caregivers are angels. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

so sorry to hear about your loss. i'll say a prayer for your family.

Thank you, Juanita, we appreciate it.

Jackie:

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You will be in our hearts and prayers.

Would it be possible at some time to share with us what preparations were helpful and what you wished would have been taken care of with your mother-in-law? Not right away, of course, but when you are able to share with us.

Lee

Hi Jackie,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother-in-laws passing. It sounds like you have some very compassionate loving people in your family.

Gemma....I really like your pics! You are SO CUTE!! You look great in your beanies!

Maryanne

Lee,

I can only tell you what I know, which is not much.

My Mother-in-law purchased long-term care insurance a couple of years before she was admitted to the nursing home. According to my Father-in-law, the anuual (?) nursing home cost was $25,000 (or 35,000?). Medicare took care of half. And the long-term care insurance paid for half of the other half. Deducting the premium he had to pay the insurance company, he saved about half of the money he was to pay out of pocket (about $3500? or $7000? I just can't remember.)

Me-Mother (that's what her grand children call her) had had a triple by-pass surgery in 1993. The day she experienced her symptoms - indigestion - the four of us were on our trip to San Antonio for my citizenship ceremony. Early next morning my Father-in-law called and said that she had a heart attack and was being taken by the ambulance to the hospital in our town.

She had had a car accident not long before the heart attack. So we thought perhaps she'd got problems then already. After her heart surgery, this retired special education teacher continued to sell Avon - known as the 'Avon lady' in the area - with my Father-in-law's assist. She eventually got back on the road by herself until her cognitive ability started to decline in the early 2000's.

It was around 2002 when she purchased the long-term care insurance and picked up her coffin - the 2nd cheapest available in their local funeral home. (Trust me, they were smart because at the funeral you can't really tell any difference because of all the flowers and the interior lining. And the funeral home staff 'buried' her while we were back in the fellowship hall visiting with friends and relatives after the grave site service.)

There was a memorial service at the funeral home chapel. The family members were sitting in a 'hide away corner' so most visitors couldn't really see us except people on the front row. (My Father-in-law sat in the left end and was completely hidden. And at the end everyone walked by very fast passing the coffin without glancing our way when they paid their last tribute.)

The funeral home provided everything: a planner including guest registry, duplicate cards of all the flowers sent, blank thank-you cards... There were 2 policemen leading, directing traffic. And there must have been more than half a dozen 'men-in-black' taking care of the prosession. If the so-called pallbearers had lifed a finger, I did not get to observe it.

My In-laws live in a close-knit small community. Their church members are either their relatives or their former students (or teacher) or neighbors. One of her Avon customers came and my Father-in-law made sure to bring something to her afterwards. A couple of relatives and former students came from out of town after they read the obituray on their local paper.

My Sister-in-law, along with her children, made a poster board with pictures of my In-laws. In the center was a poem written by her youngest daughter. The pastor didn't talk long because my Father-in-law never likes long sermon. (The preacher used to be my In-laws' student, so he knows how to conduct a perfect service.) The former preacher's daughter came from out of twon and sang 'one day at a time'. Her Mother (now 92), who lives nearby and used to be my Mother-in-law's high school teacher, was not present.

Neighbors and friends brought all kinds of dishes, mostly cassroles - a tradition I am not sure still prevalent else where.