Need advise

[Clints72]

I've come to realize my wife feels guilty that she got cancer. I did not anticipate she would feel this way and I'm not sure what to do/say. It literally make me sick that she feels this way.

Would really appreciate input/perspective.

Thanks

[Nurse4u2day]

Clint speaking from a point of view as a wife and a mother of 2 I also have had bouts of feeling guilty for getting cancer. It's not guilt in the sense of what did I do wrong that caused this, it's more of a sense of my feeling like my husband did not sign up for this when he married me and he certainly didn't sign up to have a wife with a mutulated body!
The sense of guilt that one has for putting there family through this can be awful. Sometimes i see it like I can take this cancer but it's do hard to see my family hurt. Us females feel like the core of the family and the guilt when we can't do our jobs can be imense at times. You need to remind your wife that you did sign up for this when you married her. You need to make sure not to shy away from her if she has scars related to the surgeries. Most of all you need to remind her of how much she has done for her family all these years and that now more then ever it's time for her to be taken care of. And to always say this is what you both signed up for and that is to love each other no matter what!
These are all the things that my husband tells me often and it helps with the guilt.
Best of wishes Tamara

[Becky]

What Tamara says is right on. I knew my husband could take it but I worried so much about my kids. I was that "somebody's else's mother" who was their mother this time. It wasnt fair to them to think all the things they think. But all this is normal and a progression of what one goes through on this journey. I am now ten years out and your wife will be one day too. All you need is love and I know you have plenty or you wouldn't have written
'

[Lnmum]

Clint, I totally relate to your wife. I was married to Mac last October. I was diagnosed with BC WITHIN 2 months of being married. His first wife had died from BC in 2009.

I HATE putting him through this AGAIN. My story is different than his first wife. I was blessed with early detection. I had STAGE 1 cancer (triple positive, BRCA2+). He has seen me through hell this year. Partial masectomy, chemo, herceptin, total hysterectomy, and double mastectomies with tram flap coming up on Friday. The first marriage was 4th stage with chemo and radiation and only 6 months until she died:(

She probably feels bad for putting you through the angst, anguish, and grief. Just love her through it. You are an awesome husband. Please consider counseling (couples therapy would be great).
God bless you!
Loren

[Cif]

what aspect of guilt is brewing? income burdens, sex, damaged goods, an activity/sport/hobby given up, a list of things?

Our private comms have her and I with so many similar issues maybe I can help. I supported physically two households and now still trying to walk and keep balance and manage pain. Hubby and I earned nearly same and now I'm not working. I was physically and mentally ... hot, now I'm marked up and relearning to read, math, cook without burning house down ... so cognitively and physically challenged.

But I'm cooking things like Alton Browns Food network pork wellington, and many type 2 diabetes recepies tp benefit his health and is diet for BC (no dairy, low glycemic index, no pestcides - haa hard to find). In process I feel contributing to his improved mental and physical health, my learning to read and math, and learning to set timers/notes to adapt to to brain hit from chemo.

I'm contributing, he is getting healthier too. We experiment with flavors and share/learn likes/dislikes. Even spur reflections on childhood foods missed and try to recreate and associated stories and laugh at them. I have thick padded pieces of anything padded throughout (ewe yuck) kitchen, but greatly reduces pain and increases kitchen endurance. Regarding sex, working on those fixes per off comm with you (surgery to unshrink from chemo, dilators, YES, Replense).

I've physically benefited most from CLASSICAL STRETCH: THE ESMONDE Technique avail via public TV and internet. Key (for me) is to veg when in pain mode (thank you private poster for that priceless tip) and do this light yoga on good days. Esmonde is a BC survivor too and method used by all sports from hockey to snowboarders, football, Olympians).

Find out what is driving the guilt, then you can teamwork a possible solution. Don't rule out meds being mood driver. I'm in her shoes in many ways and willing to toss out unprofessional opinions/ideas to help.

here is the biggest help from hubby that has me improving (e.g., up to 15 min mile) ... on days I apologize for getting nothing done but a couple of bills, or phone calls to resolve my parents insurance battles he says " you are pushing too hard and likely how you got wore out and sick to begin with... I'm not worried, chill, everything can wait ... if you are not up to it tomorrow either have your Mom pick you up and do a movie or something. You've always expected too much from yourself, back off a bit" OMG, in a way he is saying, stop and smell the roses.

For me I pick three major things to do per week (sadly, what I used to do in an hour or day before). without a list on fridge I will lose time/focus, without setting a timer for things I'll lose time/focus. By getting lists done I contribute, then not feeling guilty.