Facing cancer as a couple

[Hopeful]

http://www.cancercenter.com/community/newsletter/article/facing-cancer-as-a-couple/

Hopeful

[Jackie07]

Most men are not as sensitive as most women. All through my many surgeries, hubby seldom took the real action to 'take care of' of me. He can't cook, there was a time period he's even having phobia driving, he's a nervous wreck whenever things are out of the ordinary.

But at least he's better than my 2nd Brother-in-law who had told my 2nd Sister when she had cancelled her hysterectomy a couple of times: "Do you want to go or not? I'll take you to the hospital if you want to go ..." I had to explain to him over international long distance that besides having concerns about going under the knife, 2nd Sis probably was concerned about her womanhood and needed some reassurance ... To that he replied: "No wonder she'd mentioned something (while sobbing) about not being a woman anymore ..."

So what should we do when we are too weak to take care of ourselves? We have to understand what our spouses are going through as well. We have to manage our situation just like a CEO. We have to let our spouse know what we need and what we can do for them. We have to help them!

No 'man' is perfect. 2nd Brother-in-law is a great cook and can take care of anything that needs to be done at home. But he's a math teacher and tends to think everything in terms of logic. Hubby is a 'sensitive' guy but lacks the ability to turn words into actions. [My late Mother-in-law cooked for us in 1990 during my recuperation after staying in the hospital for 40 days. My Chinese church members helped out by bringing me food 3, 4 times a week during the 2003 chemo - thanks to the pastor who had encouraged the small congregation even though I had not been attending services for over 2 years prior to the surgery. In 2007 I asked 2nd Sister to come. And in 2010 one of my nieces spent 4 weeks with us and cooked and cleaned.]

All guys need a lot of motivation ... We have to teach them, nurture them, help them to grow ... :) But don't expect them to change overnight. Actually, don't expect them (or anyone else) to change at all.