last chemo tomorrow!

[v-ness]

hi all-

thursday, 1/21, is my last chemo out of six (taxotere & carboplatin) and at the moment i am delighted! in the past couple weeks i have felt anxious, but at least as of tonight i feel like "bring it ON and git er done". i am so tired of eyes tearing so bad i look like tammy faye baker on a crying stint ( i refuse to stop wearing eyeliner and mascara, dammit!) tired of my dried up nose (which has improved, thank you to all those suggestions), the bad taste that makes everything taste like crap. the bloody hot flashes (do they end with chemo? i fear not....). no more all-too-frequent bloodwork and weekly needle sticks in my port (i've had herceptin weekly, now going to every 3 weeks). i want my hair, which stopped growing at a quarter inch at infusion #3, to grow again! i realize chemo is "the gift that keeps giving" and i could lose nails or the rest of my lashes and brows even after it is done.... but at least it will be done and they will have the chance to grow without being toxified. (i think i just made up a word :) )

i've read "After Breast Cancer" by Musa Mayer and devoured newsletters from HERConnection and read the American Breast Cancer site and the pamphlets in the hospital. so i know my recent anxiety over chemo ending is NORMAL and that made me feel better. my onco's keeping an eye on me and my shrink's keeping an eye on me, and i am taking my anti-depressants like a good doobie. my fears are fueled by my husband's too-quick cancer death in 2007 so i have that to fight on top of our natural fears. this cancer lunacy has been like riding the Cyclone at Coney Island. i know when the ride stops it can play with your mind.

however, there's still radiation and herceptin until october so i've got more 'graduations' ahead of me. i am drinking massive amounts of water tonight (i believe it helps me in my easy-chemo-ride - i suffer very few side effects despite my whine above!). so i raise a glass of H20, cheers to the end of chemo for this girl!

hugs to all who've helped me through this even though you never knew it. i devoured all your words too and learned bravery.

valerie

[Jackie07]

Hi 'brave girl',

So glad you are about to complete your chemo treatment. Are you a professional writer? I like your creative expressions ("...i look like tammy faye baker on a crying stint" "...this cancer lunacy has been like riding the Cyclone at Coney Island.) A couple of our members have published books (or in the middle of writing it) about their journeys. Have you thought about such project?

Yes, hydration is important. I drink a herbal soup. You might want to try apple (or other clear) juice when you get bored with water.

Hug you back,

[vlcarr]

Yeah Valerie,

You give me hope too. My last chemo is a week from tomorrow and I get the same thing you are getting. I've been having the same feelings you describe so it was refreshing to know I'm not alone.

I think we should celebrate every chance we get.

Doing a happy dance for you!

[schoolteacher]

Glad both of you are through and about through with you chemo.

Amelia

[freyja]

Congrats to both of you from me, too. BIG accomplishment! It's been a year since I finished my TCH and I now have a full head of soft, curlier, darker hair (different but wonderful), no cancer, radiation burns fully healed and almost invisible, port gone and I'm on my way to Uruguay for some dance teacher training! You'll be amazed how quickly your life will change and improve when the drugs are done. I'm so proud of you both, for getting through it and being brave enough to be honest and share with us how you feel and what's happening. Together we can fight and survive. Now it's obvious isn't it why they give you this many treatments? It'd be impossible to tolerate any more!
Love, Celeste

[islandgirl]

Hi there: It is an odd 'graduation', isn't it? When I finished 3 months of taxol in August, I'd anticipated a euphoric, celebratory moment. Instead, I was fraught with anxiety and grief. I happened to pick up that very day (lingering at the cancer education center at the hospital - thinking 'why am I so emotional'?) the book you mentioned by Musa. It was meant to be, as she described so many similar complex emotions following treatment. It was odd, too, to suddenly be seeing my onco every 9 weeks vs. weekly for 3 months. (wishing they'd forwarned me, actually, as it came as kind of a jolt). It sounds like your life has been a veritable volcano what with the sudden illness and death of your husband so close to your health issues. It sounds as if you've barely had time to take a breath and process all this stuff (though it sounds like you're getting good mental health support).

I had never been on a forum/online group before until very recently (had hesitated), however, it is enormously useful to connect with those who are walking my walk, if you will. Life goes on (until it doesn't....) and while I am not defining my life by cancer, it has had an enormous impact on my life and that of my family (my kids were 3 and 7 when I was first diagnosed and now are 10 and 14). As my 14 year old shouted to me during chemo this summer "Quit acting like everything is normal". Point taken. It's not and I consider it a spoke in a wheel (perhaps many spokes for a while) and that at the center of that wheel if a golden, immutable place where I am who I am, without (or with..), cancer, surgeries, protheses, hot flashes, depression, grief. It is a part, but not the whole. There's a whole lot out there besides the health journey and I am hoping I'm able to extract something positive from this very intense ride. Take care.

Islandgirl