Laughter is the best medicine

[Elke]

I find this to be true for me. It has been studied and shown that laughter reduces our stress hormones , exercises different parts of our body.A good laugh exercises your stomach muscles!
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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasseson and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You toDo Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[ElaineM]

Thanks for the laughs. Needed them !!!!!!!

[Bill]

Thanks, Elke! Hilarious! A few years ago, an e-mail circulated around the internet, and the only part of it that I remember is to begin each sentence with the phrase, "In accordance with The Prophecy". I choked from laughing so hard, and it's fun to slip that line in once in awhile at work, deadpan. "Bill, what are you doing after work?" "Sir, in accordance with The Prophecy, I'm going to the pool to swim laps." Try it sometime!

[Elke]

Hello Bill, I guess I'll have to supply another funny to keep this going ......


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Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND






Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.







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[Colleens_Husband]

According to the charts, I am not overweight, I am 6 inches too short.

Bill, is that a swiss chard on your head? We have swiss chard growing in our garden.

[Bill]

Why, yes, yes it is, Lee. Uh, it seemed like a really good idea at the time. You know, "hey, I know, I can put swiss chard on my head, take a picture of it, and post it on the Internet!"

[Colleens_Husband]

Brilliant idea Bill! You know I wear swiss chard undergarments all the time. They make me feel pretty.

[Elke]

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<table class="EC_MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt 0.75pt 0in;" valign="top"> HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET :

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P S - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!

Redneck Security Company
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[Elke]

Does anyone have a funny to share?

[PinkGirl]

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."


the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes
back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.

"i told her, "first class isn't going to toronto ".

[PinkGirl]

Bill, I like the swiss chard look ... it suits you. Sheila wears bananas on
her head but she's never posted a picture for us.

[Elke]

<style> .hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { font-size: 10pt; font-family:Verdana } </style><table> <tbody> <tr valign="top"> <td>The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 7 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 8th graders a question like that!

I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal
who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs.. Parks ignored
herand asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times
it's normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then, she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 7 times it's size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) You have a dirty mind,

(2) You didn't read your homework, and

(3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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[juanita]

those are so good! and love the look bill!

[Elke]

<title>FW: Funny Signs</title><style></style>
Here's something else I hope makes you smile!
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
************************* *
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"





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[Elke]

What happens when you have eaten your swiss chard? Will you be wearing the latest in haute cuisine , escarole perhaps?

[Bill]

Thanks for the kind words regarding my new hat. Actually, Elke, two nights ago, I ate my hat. I steamed it in my skillet with a little curly kale and a secret blend of spices and a splash of Smart Balance oil. It was good. Ahhh, the down side- now I've got to come up with a new "look". I like this avatar, though. I think it makes me look smart. (Notice the index finger pointing at my head? That means I'm smart and I have an idea in there)

[chrisy]

Elke those are GREAT!!!!! Do you have a collection somewhere???

When I was getting chemo, my sister's job was to keep me laughing (long distance from Chicago) She sent me pages of funny stuff - and funny movies.

Laughter is a great gift.

Bill, love the hat but where are the cupcakes?? Sorry to hear about your chard but it sounds yummy. I've got lettuce growing in my garden...it's giving me ideas.

For hats, not stir frys...

[Elke]

I do have a collection of jokes . I used to collect men but they were too much work..HAHA. I kept the one who makes me laugh!

You and Bill are funny , lettuce be friends. Here is my attempt at making you laugh....

A grandmother was telling her grand daughter what her childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond.I had a swing made from a tire hanging in our yard.We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.The little girl was wide eyed , taking it all in. at last she said "I wish I would have gotten to know you sooner."

[PinkGirl]

another dream shattered!


615

[Believe51]

PinkGirl, thanks for the chuckle, your sense of humor seems to do that for me. Also, I loved your photo gallery. You made me smile this morning you crazy girl. (smiling)>>Believe51

[Elke]

<style> .hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { font-size: 10pt; font-family:Verdana*</style> INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer

of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names

and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old

had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,

stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Pastor, what is this? '

The pastor said,

'Well son, it's a memorial to all the

young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together,

staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible

and trembling with fear asked,

'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

[harrie]

Saw a GREAT dvd comedy this weekend called BABY MAMA with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Was so funny!!!! Loved it!!

[Elke]

I've seen Baby Mama. I laughed so much I think I missed half the movie ! Mr. Wrong with Ellen DeGeneresis is another movie that I found hilarious!

[Elke]

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17 th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[NEDenise]

Hi!
I just came across this "old" thread. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd "bump it up" to the top so some of you other "newbies" could get a giggle too!

I don't have anything clever to add right now, but I'm on a quest! Anyone else have something funny to add?
Denise