~How Do You Relax, Caregivers??

[Believe51]

I know what does it for me but I am curious how you push away deperession?? Tactics are proving difficult right now. I am more depressed now than this whole 2 year thing has ever made me! Yes, I should be on a cloud with Mighty Oak finally in remission but I am so so sad at the moment. Maybe some of this IS because he is doing well and I have a moment to realize that I am more depressed now.

The things that are making me sad are that I am stuck. I am stuck at work and I am stuck with a useless grandmother (landlord, not family to me anymore). Please know that my realization of my living grandmother who is dead to me is a relationship I have strived for since I was little. Do you know she has NEVER hugged me? It was just this year she said she loved me, only from guilt (I am 43).

Help me unstick myself so I can enjoy remission with me man.

BELIEVE51

PS: When we go on our remission cruise I have to lie to her, otherwise she will expect Ed to be shoveling this winter, taking out garbage, catering to her, and raising rent (spiteful, controlling, mean, bitter, hateful, relentless)......I AM GETTING A DOCTOR'S NOTE THAT STATES HE WILL NEVER WORK ANOTHER DAY (truth) and that we will be in a hospital for 13 days (the lie).

PPS: I am trying to get sun so I come home looking like I was at a hospital and not tanned from the Carribbean (sneaky, sneaky)

ANYONE WANNA ADOPT ME< I AM IN THE MARKET FOR A GRANDMOTHER THAT LOVES ME??

Why do I have to lie??? Ughhhhh!!

[Bill]

Hi sweet Marie! You have fought so hard and so long, and taken such great care of Ed. For years you have prayed and struggled and fought so many battles on so many different fronts. It was Attila the Hun, educated in ancient Rome, who said, "Choose your battles carefully. If you engage in every battle that comes your way, you may not have enough strength left to fight the major battles." Marie, you and Ed have won the major battle. You have achieved your goal- The Mighty Oak is in remission. But, for years now, you have applied all of your resources, and prayers, and energies into achieving that goal, and now you have reached it. You are having trouble shifting gears. You are a victorious warrior on the field of battle, circling, looking for a new foe. Marie, hold your battle sword high, and thank God Almighty for your victory, and then thrust it deep into the sand, and leave it. Grab Ed's hand and walk across the sand. Nothing else matters.......

[Jean]

Marie,
From reading your post, it just could be that you put so much of your strength into beating this disease and being strong that you never allowed yourself the time to feel those emotions.

Maybe, just maybe now that you can take a deep breath and relax a bit to enjoy the results of all the sweat and tears....your able to allow those emotions to surface and feel them.

Ever think about taking a day just for you? Maybe a spa day....or anything that is special just for you. You may also need some time to sort out your feelings of all the pent up stress and worry.

Hey girl, did you think that job you have is without benefits....I hear the dental plan is something else!
But kidding aside, take some time for "YOU" it could be something simple but
offers you comfort.

Sending you soothing Hugs,
Jean

[Colleens_Husband]

Marie:

When I read your post, my first reaction was. "Relax? What is that?" Colleen has been fighting cancer for one full year now. I've been so busy making sure he children are taken care of, Colleen is taken care of, making sure my business continues to function, that there hasn't been any time for me to relax.

I've always been one of those people who puts their head down and just keep relentlessly plugging away until a difficulty is overcome. I have a strong sense of duty, so I put the things that must get done ahead of my needs. I know it isn't the correct approach, but it is the reality of my life.

I should know better, I have a degree in psychology and worked as a psychologist for a short time. Maybe its like the plumber who has a dripping faucet in his own house. Who knows?

Marie, here's the thing. I believe that you have devoted so much time and effort to Ed's disease, that you forgot what normal is. You know what cancer normal is, but what is non-cancer normal to you and Ed? If this is the case, then you may be feeling depression based on placelessness. Its the same thing as if your lost your home. This is pretty common and cancer counselors are pretty good at dealing with it and directing you and Ed to a place where you can continue to thrive. This type of counseling is pretty interesting because it will allow you and Ed to discover who you want to be after cancer.

Marie, you and Ed are at a real good place in your lives right now. You may feel that the rug has been pulled out from under you, but what you are feeling is also closely related to a bird being let out of cage for the first time. You have had a certain security in dealing with cancer, and now for the first time in a long time, you have the freedom of living beyond cancer.

Marie, you and Ed are going to be in our thoughts and prayers.

Lee

[Vi Schorpp]

Depression is tough. I know that depression is anger turned inward, so I'm sure you know some of the sources of your anger -- your grandmother, life's unfairness, cancer, etc.

My maternal grandmother died at 92 two years back. Not a warm, fuzzy woman. Had her favorites, who ended up disappointing her throughout her life. I ended up going toe-to-toe with her a few times in her life -- not insubordination, but I never gave her permission to talk to me or my family members the way she did and I was having none of it. My mother couldn't seem to stand up to her, but I had no problem. Not rude, just in-kind language and my tone was the same as hers. Lo and behold, in the last two decades of her life she began to value my mom and her children. A little late, but it did come. Until that time, my mantra for here was lower your expectations, until I had no expectations for her.

Maybe you can talk to your doctor and get something to take the edge off life. It doesn't eliminate problems, just helps us get through them.

When you're really stressed, just know how much you mean to us on the board, and how you've supported everyone here. Get well, be well, and stay well.

Vi

[Jackie07]

Marie,

Please consider going for counseling.

My husband was already depressed before my breast cancer diagnosis last year. His Mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his Dad asked him to help them out and not to work. Then I kept losing my jobs. His sister had been taking antidepressant and thought it had solved all her problems. She encouraged him to seek treatment and he finally went. The psychiatrist prescribed Bruspirin and he went to several sessions with a therapist.

Having a professional help him sort out his problems eventually got him out of the depression. He is now ready to go back to the workforce - probably will take a while since the economy is still down and we are living in a town with a population just over 50,000 where gainful employment is limited.

Do you have a hobby that you used to enjoy? Perhaps you can pick it back up now that you have more time on your hand. And if you never had one, how about start trying one right now?

[chrisy]

Marie,
I usually don't dare look at the Caregiver's corner because it is too hard for me and makes me cry. You are all such heroes to me.

What you are describing sounds to me like maybe a bit of post traumatic stress. Not that the issues you face are not real, but on top of that, add the accumulated stress of all the emotions you have put on the back burner the past 2 years while you focused all your energy on helping Ed get to remission. As Bill said, you have fought that battle and won!

This is not the same, but after my initial diagnosis and treatment (the one where they told me I was cured) I found myself bursting into tears for no reason. Just when I should have felt on top of the world. For me, it was the post traumatic stress.

Give yourself permission to put yourself first and give yourself some TLC. If you can't give yourself that permission, I grant it to you. As would Ed.

[harrie]

Marie, maybe it is time to find the courage and strength to forgive those that do you unhappiness. Then maybe you will be released from the bondage of the actions others so thoughtlessly throw at you.
Now that your man is in remission, the rewards for all your hard work should be enjoyed to the fullest.

[Believe51]

Thanks again for the different takes on this situation. I start off saying that this women is pure evil and I say that with the confidence you know I do not speak of anyone like this. Her days of forgiveness has passed, I have spent my entire life looking for her acceptance, understanding her mental incapabilities, forgiving her evil. I will be spending the rest of my life signing her leases (Yeah, something new since he got sick-no more alpha male Ed), I shall treat her like the landlord she is.

I will now try to forgive myself for falling into her traps. For the unworthy times of forgiveness. For the comments that she "DOES NOT CARE if Ed nor her own daughter has breast cancer" (she really proves it too). I will free myself of the lack of love and hugs, for her talking bad about us, for her plotting to interfere. I sacrificed moving away many times so I could be here as she aged, it is the only thing in my life that I ever regretted!!!!

It is, however, so pleasant that these feelings are on top again and not about a sick husband. Without any of you losing respect for me I leave you all with this:

"I" will be spending time letting go of a useless situation!
"I" will be forgiving myself for always giving in!
"I" will be seeking more conselling about this again!!
"I" will move forward on life treating her like a landlord!
"I" will finally release the rest of the negatives about her!
"I" will move on for good this time!
"I" feel free!

"SHE" will not hurt me anymore!
"SHE" will have much time to reflect about why everyone has left her, not just me!
"SHE" will be just a person I rent from!
"SHE" will never give me an iota of what I need!
"SHE" will never probally get it!
"SHE" will never be forgiven again!
"SHE" has left me with no good memories!

It is over and I feeled cleansed.


Thank you all for the replies. I sound so mean. Maybe with counselling things may change but I doubt it. We have been down this road again and it is tiring. No one visits her for a reason. I could give you more reasons from my Mom's or Aunt's point of view but it too is useless.

I love you all and promise to seek the professional advice my mind needs.

In the mean time: 28 days til remission cruise....YeaHaa!!>>Sending You All Love Right From The Bottom Of My Heart

PS: Do not feel sad for me.....I AM VERY LOVED FROM MANY PEOPLE>>>>SOME I HAVE NEVER MET>>WINK>Marie

[Jackie07]

Thanks for the update. Glad you have good mechanism dealing with the situation. Will keep you in our prayers.