just whining

[juanita]

I've just been feeling really down lately. I just can't seem to shake the blahs, and would like nothing other than to stay at home in bed every day. My youngest son's girlfriend (they're 18) was not going to college, so she had to move out and get her own place by the end of the year. Hoping her dad would change his mind we offered to let her move in here with us. He said fine, she could live here. Then same son totaled my car. He was okay. His girlfriend moved in here, my older son moved out on his own and we found out youngest son's girlfriend was pregnant. Happened before she moved in here. My friend at work died from her cancer. That really threw me for a loop. Made me feel guilty. The girlfriend's family was giving her grief about being pregnant and not married. So they decided to elope. That didn't go over well. Her dad said he had the right to walk his daughter down the aisle. No, that's a gift and not a right. And then about a week and a half ago my daughter called me from Kentucky and wanted us to come and get her and my granddaughter. They live with her in-laws. My family ain't great, but that's just a messed up bunch. Anyway, my daughter had just had enough of them. So as soon as I got off work my husband and i drove down there and got them. My daughter was planning on moving back home and we were planning how to fit them in. But somewhere over a few days time her husband and mother-in-law convinced them to come back home. She did, on a trial basis. We'll see how she feels when she comes up for Christmas. She might be staying then. The weather here lately doesn't help. Been dreary lately and yesterday we got all of that snow. And now I have my granddaughter's cold. I just find it hard to go on. Not that I'm suicidal. No, never that. I just want to be normal again, or at least to where I feel halfway myself again. I've been exhausted for 3 years now and never seem to feel better. All of the docs say there's nothing wrong for me to feel that way, so I just keep pushing on. I know I'm just rambling, but it's so hard to put into words all of what I'm feeling. Maybe I need a higher dose of zoloft.

[Bill]

Hello Juanita! Please accept my prayers for you and warm thoughts I'm sending your way. I pray that God will calm your soul and give you a sense of peacefulness within you as the storm rages all around you. "everything happens for a reason, ultimately good" Love, Bill

[Mary Jo]

Hello Juanita,

I can't take away how you are feeling but I can tell you that I'm here for you to vent too. I'm here to encourage and love you and I'm able to pray for God's Peace to surround you and also that joy would come back to your soul.

Life is hard. That is forsure. There are no guarantees and families can be so hard. When our children hurt (whether small or grown) we as mom's feel that hurt maybe doubly as much as they do.

Juanita, I'm sorry you are feeling down and I'm sorry things aren't going so well for your children right now. I have prayed for you and know God hears His children when they pray. I will trust that He will walk you through this trial and that His peace and joy are forthcoming.

Love & peace to a "sister"

Mary Jo
Romans 8:28

[murph]

Hello Juanita,
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It sounds like you have alot going on. It can be hard when the weather seems dreary and cold. Try to set aside a time of the day that is just for you to do something positive for yourself. Whether it be a pedicure, manicure, reading or even a Richard Simmons tape. (That man has more positivity oozing out of him, then anyone I have ever seen !!!) lol Hope things brighten up for you !! sending hugs,

[Lolly]

Hi Juanita;
You know, I'm not trying to sugar-coat things by any means, but the weather might just have something to do with your down phase. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a documented, treatable condition. My dad suffers from it and when he was still physically able would go to Mexico every winter. Now he lives up here near us so we can help him, and the winters really get him down. His doctor has him on Celexa, and it helps. Maybe you need to ask your doc about your Zoloft dose. Also, if you can, check into getting a full spectrum light to have next to your chair, just sitting by one of these for 15-20 mins daily is supposed to help.

Just a few ideas. You are not alone with the family drama, we have some things going on with our families that I never thought we'd see. I could write a book.
Hang in there, as someone once said, "This too shall pass."

<3 Lolly

[mke]

You know Juanita there might be something in that Seasonal Affective Disorder. I suffer from it a to a minor degree. So does my mother-in-law and we bought her one of those lamps that is supposed to have the same spectrum as daylight (or something like that). I don't know if it helps her SAD, but she likes it for jig-saw puzzles. I think the shortest day of the year is next Saturday so maybe things will improve a little after the holidays.

It is difficult when things are not going well for the kids and we are so powerless to do much to help them. I know mine have to take their knocks like everyone else but it sure hurts to watch it.

Hope you feel at least a little bit better soon, and that you shake the cold off.

[Kim in CA]

Dear Juanita,

Sorry your feeling so blue. There's nothing like winter to bring out those "Blue Meanies" as I like to call them. Add the stress of dealing with "family issues" and it can seem overwhelming at times....and hey, you're not whinning, just venting! That's what we're here for.

I do agree that there is something to the Seasonal Affective Disorder, cause I'm feeling it to. It has been very gray here and all I want to do is stay inside and have lost my motivation to even go ride! When the sun comes out, I feel like a totally different person. Guess I better never move to Alaska!

Hopefully you will feel better soon. I know it always passes with me, but I am only mildly affected. So if it gets too bad maybe the zoloft dosage and the light idea might be worth checking into.

Sending Hugs, Kim

[hutchibk]

Vent away. You have a lot going on, and life can take certainly take on sudden clusters of tremendously stressful and frustrating events! I would venture to say that given the scenario you described, I would want to hide my head under the covers for a few days too! I think it is only normal to feel pretty beat up by it all. But, I would just suggest that you find a moment in each day to do something... just one little thing... for 5 minutes or 30 minutes or 2 hours even, just for you. Something that makes you completely happy. Whether it's splurging on a bouquet of flowers for yourself, or taking a long hot bath with candles, or making a snow angel, or going to a corny, hilarious movie... you get the picture. Something that is only for you and about you, something that makes you smile or feel warm without counting on anyone else to contribute. I often find that I perk up a little during the hardest times when I treat myself have those truly personal, self focused, and fiercely independent moments. Be selfish and find a few peaceful, warm, cozy, moments that are only about you. Turn off all of the world outside of you for a few stolen moments each day. It can really help sometimes.

[Believe51]

You are not whining by any means, you are venting your feelings that apparently are overwhelming you. This time of year does not help either but just look at what you have wrote; it is alot for anyone to deal with and rather easy to become overwhelmed. Things have been happening in droves since your friend passed away at work and non-stop at that!! Listen to your friends and be kind to yourself, pamper away Juanita!! You will be in my special thoughts; depression is no stranger in my family and I can relate to the BLAH's (almost like I have fallen and don't think I can get up-UGHH)!! My daddy has to 'bathe' in a sense in front of special lighting (name excapes me), especially this time of year. Wish I could give you a giant hug right now. Hopefully TIME will help to dissolve some of those overwhelming feelings you are experiencing at the moment.>>Believe51

PS: When you are feeling better please let us know how your famous bread came out!! Smiling from the inside out thinking about you and your bread. Lots of Love...Marie G

[BonnieR]

Maybe you need a lower dose of family along with the higher dose of Zoloft!! There is an awful lot of crises going on around you. And the impending holidays always seem to magnify things.
Remember the Serenity Prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[hutchibk]

I love that Bonnie... "lower dose of family" - LOL. That is perfect! Can I borrow that?

[BonnieR]

Sure, you can borrow it when I'm not using it! lol!!!

[mts]

Juanita,

Not many people would admit to family issues such as yours... I know its too simplistic to say that there are many more out there with worse issues ...
Your situation is quite overwhelming when you try to be THE ONE that attempts to keeping it all glued together.
Not feeling guilty is tough. It sounds like you are the "go to gal" of the family. Cancer can bring limits to our dreams, but not to our spirit. I think that realizing that you are doing the best you can is all you can ask of yourself and those that ask of you should realize that too. You seem to carry the worry load for so many other people... its not right. Please give yourself a little R&R. Step away for a day and try to look inside the box rather than feeling stuck in it.
You are young, vivacious and stunningly strong. We all see it.
Sometimes I feel that cancer has made me a stronger person and interestingly, others have also. I find it easier and easier to say no without an ounce of guilt (well, maybe just a little). But no one gripes anymore!
I know Christmas isn't joyous for everyone, and putting on a happy face is not easy. If you really think about it, its probably the most stressful time of the year. If anyone asks what you want for Christmas just tell them you want what they want. Peace !

Hang in there honey!

Maria

[nitewind]

My goodness Juanita, you have so much on your plate! I agree with some here about the seasonal thing but mostly I think it's a Mom thing. There is nothing harder than seeing your child (any age) hurting. You have been so strong for so long, it's time for a break. I wish I had some advice on how to get that break. I've had people say to me, go on vacation, some even say you should move out of state! That advice makes no sense to me, I'd just take my worries with me.
I pray that God continues to give you strength and I'm so glad that you feel you can come and share with us, we'll help you and hug you and just listen
Big gentle hugs from me to you
Susan

[juanita]

My daughter was here for Christmas with her husband and daughter. I was trying to be calm the whole time they were here. But even before they got here my son-in-law was pushing my buttons. Both of them are lazy, and that really drives me crazy. My daughter-in-law took care of my granddaughter more than her mommy and daddy did while they were here just because she was trying to help me out. I had to bite my tongue many, many times to keep from saying something that might blow up on me. And then when they were getting ready to go my son-in-law sat on his butt as usual complaining to my daughter to get stuff packed. And then he was complaining about how much stuff they had to pack. Hello, it's Christmas presents. I can skip getting him anything in the future. When i asked for him to watch my granddaughter while I was trying to clean my house he complained about me. And that made me cry. We've bent over backwards since my granddaughter was born watching her so they could go do their thing, and when I needed his help with something with her he complains about me. And my daughter thinks things have changed. She is sooooooo wrong! They went home on Friday and since then I've had ME time, even staying up late at night so I have quiet. I guess part of what makes me so crazy is that my daughter was raised better than that. And when she's here alone she shows it. But why does she do this when she's with him? Or why does she put up with that crap from him? If it were me I'd knock him on his butt and say "Get a life". You guys are so great listening to all of this.

[BonnieR]

Juanita, Remember what I said in an earlier post: Maybe you need a lower dose of family and a higher dose of Zoloft! We cannot afford toxic people around us. That is sometimes impossible to avoid during the holidays but now that they are past, you can maybe get some serenity. Perhaps you need to have a discussion with your daughter and tell her some of the things you have shared with us. About your hurt and disappointment.

[MJo]

I was actually diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder by a psychiatrist. I have a SAD light on my desk at work and I turn it on for 30 minutes a day.
As for family, on Christmas Day I thought I was having an asthma attack. It occurred to me that my shortness of breath might be an anxiety attack brought about by too much family and their troubles. I took a small dose of Xanax and darned if I didn't start breathing clearly again. I won't go into details, but I have have family members who have made bad decisions and have paid the consequences. I get to hear about it when I'm with them. I am not my family members. I am separate from them. You are separate from your daughter and grandchildren -- believe it.
I tell myself every day "I am grateful for all that I have. I have everything I need. I don't need a thing. Thank you, God." Bernie Siegel told me to say that, except for the Thank you, God, which I added. My job is to stay as healthy as possible, physically, mentally and spiritually.

[juanita]

Thank you both! I'm making it my New year's resolution to TRY not to let them all get to me. They have their own lives to live and their own mistakes to make. IUf she decides to finally leave him more power to her, but from now on this is something she'll have to deal with. And i've decided to write a letter to this friend's daughter and tell her how much her mom meant to me. Maybe that will help ease that pain. You guys mean alot to me, and I wish you all the best in 2008!

[Bill]

Happy New Year, Juanita! I hope that you'll be able to find more time and space for yourself in the upcoming year. I'm sorry to hear that your son-in-law has so many flaws. I wish I could have been there to correct some of them for you. People like that can be very irritating, but hopefully you don't have to be around him very much. I pray you and your family will find peace and solutions in the new year. Love , Bill

[Mary Jo]

Hi Juanita,

I was was sitting her thinking about the new year approaching and all this site has meant to me this past year and wanted to tell you that I pray you are able to "detach" yourself in some way from the problems you face. Being a mother and grandmother, I do understand that when our children or grandchildren go through something it is hard on us moms. I use to fret over every little thing that wasn't perfect in our family - and that's about everything when you look at family in that way - but I've learned and am continuing to learn that I have a choice in how I respond to things. I choose joy and TRY TRY TRY to let go those things that bother me. When those things come I ask God to take them from me - I leave them with Him and ask Him to help in whatever it is I am fretting about. Before breast cancer I would fret, fret, fret. Since breast cancer I've learned that this is the only life I get so I surely don't want to waste it on what I can't control and that's about everything.

So Juanita, I pray Peace for you. I pray you are able to choose to be joyful and let go all those things that upset you. I know it's hard and I know it's something we have to work on but I pray you try to do that for yourself. You deserve it.

Love and Blessings I pray you for 2008.

Mary Jo

[Bill]

Happy New Year, Juanita! After reading Marejo's post, I decided to share something with you all. I hope not to upset anyone. Nikki passed away on a Sunday. The Friday before, I had a lift chair delivered, and my best friend picked up a new mattress and box springs and brought them to the house. At the same time, we were putting the finishing touches on an awesome ramp we built on the front of the house. That morning, as I talked to Nikki back in the bedroom, I told her that I felt with everything going on that day ( I had to move all the furniture by myself, and take down two beds and relocate them by myself, and everytime Nikki had to get out of bed, I had to lift her into her wheelchair) that physically I might not be able to do what I had to do, and I was really worried about failing her and letting her down. As she lay there, she told me that I was worrying too much and that I could never fail her. She listed all of the things that I had done for her, and then she said,"You're too stressed right now. What if you were to pass away right now, you'd die all stressed out, is that the way you want to go? We never know when our time is up." After that, I felt calmer immediately. She was right. She was wise beyond her years. Praying for Peace for you all, Bill