Long Awaited Update

[Believe51]

Sorry for being so distant lately, much has happened here in Little Rhody the last few weeks.

Septmeber 7, 2007: This was My Mighty Oak's FIRST CANCERVERSARY and I took him for a 'Reflection Get-away'. We spent four days buried in the mountains of New Hampshire in a quaint bed & breakfast with a fireplace and huge jacuzzi. We had a wrap around porch and the entrance way....get this...was lined with Honeysuckles that were taller than me ('course I am only 5' tall!!). It was a get away that was to count our blessings, thus the poem I wrote that I will pull back up in case someone missed it. I never imagined that the walk way would consist of these flowers, they are a strong symbol that remind me of all things good in my life, they take me to a place that is safe and wonderous. From the past to the future these flowers are magic to me & have always been so. Each time I passed by to take a walk or grab a latte I would just stop. I inhaled the magic with my eyes closed until I was dizzy with intoxication....or maybe I was making myself hyperventilate!! (ROTFL)! Whenever I have a dream about dancing with my husband at NED there are always Honeysuckle and Jasmine!! It was like this place was made for us, like it was confirming all of the signs I have recieved recently.

I told him I was not leaving until I seen a moose, my way of saying that I was not leaving anytime soon. Guess what girls?? When we were shopping one day he found a purple moose and purple is my favorite color. I was in tears there in the middle of this store as he told me 'I had to have this moose', part of me was crying because of the way this man has always cared for me. I know this was a time that I should not have been thinking of how cancer has affected our lives. Hubby has always been this kind of man, I have always been spoiled. Now that he is on this journey with cancer I constantly fight with myself about 'Not Thinking' about how I shall go on without him spoiling me (and not in a materialistic way either), just spoiling me with love. The moose is named Eddie and he still smells like the store he came from, what a great day. He fits perfect in my hands and I cuddle with him as a security. My nut of a husband said that I would have something else to remember him by!! I corrected him quickly. Everything I see, everything I do, it all reminds me of him. Whether the sun rising or setting so gorgeously or a cute purple moose!!

He had to rest frequently and nap often but we had the time of our lives. We are trying to keep travel as one of our goals, especially because he feels that his time is limited here. And he IS a positive person, just going on what his body is trying to say. Like we have said here before on the site, all of our time here is limited here.

I came home and was so renergized girls, I was fresh and alive and full of everything I need to continue on this journey. A world of good I say, a world of good!!

ps: something just came up, I will continue tommorow!! Love You All

Still Believing>>Believe51

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hey Ed,

Are you taking the side effects of chemo and all yr tx as a sign that your body is caving and the end is near? Please -- don't make that mistake. I remember when I was on Taxotere. I was a wreck of a person. I had to sit down to brush my teeth. Hold the wall as I showered. Hold on as I shuffled. Collapsed into bed most of the day. My housekeeper used to come on Wednesdays. I'd ask her to do my room first, and fast. The moment she was done, I'd *hustle* on in there and close the door. I'd give her the $ and tell her goodbye. Just close the front door as you leave. I was shaky and wobbly. And I suppose when I was home I made less of an effort to stand straight and look as normal as I possibly could. She told me yrs later that she was sure I was going to die. That she told her husband that lady isn't going to make it. But I knew, if I felt that awful, imagine how my ca cells felt!!

I had a pleural effusion and a peri-cardial effusion and was quite short of breath. Making the bed was like a marathon. My tongue weighed 50 lbs at least. I knew when my then one and only grandchild called and I gently lifted my hand to Paul, indicating I couldn't speak, I was in real bad shape. I had constant IBS. I had deep pain in my legs and arms that kept me on painkillers ev 4 hrs. I was weak and fuzzy headed. My nose bled for the first 1/2 hr after I awoke. I used half a box of tissues trying to get blood free. My eyes teared in a steady stream that made me clutch a tissue at all times. Eating was difficult, w/only one hand free. Sores in my mouth. My nails turned dark black and lifted off the nailbed. The soles of my feet felt like I'd been walking on hot coals. The spasms in my belly made it hard like a rock, and not in a good way. I slept most of the day. I kept trying to drink water and eat a handful of anything. I took my supplements and meds and kept a list to write down the time I took what and when I was due for the next. Otherwise I couldn't remember. I was my own nurse. But I KNEW that what I was feeling was a part of the process to WELLNESS. I had to endure as long as I could. And after 9 mnths when I could not take anymore Taxotere, my onc told me -- There's no reason to believe that Herceptin can't do the job on its' own. And so it was. (I got into bed and didn't budge for 6 wks, except to shower, go to the bathroom, go to the doc.) But, I KNEW the day would come when I would rally. And so I did. And so will you, Ed! Don't confuse what your body is experiencing w/all yr tx as a sign that you're done for. Think about it. You're on the road to honeysuckle and jasmine! Stop talking like you're not long for this world. Your body is going to take you seriously! And respond accordingly. Stop saying, Here's another thing to remember me by. You're not going anywhere. You need an attitude adjustment, if you'll pardon me for saying so. I love Marie, and you through Marie, and she's got a whole lot of BELIEF going on, but YOU, Ed, must cooperate with the process. It stinks that you have to go through this, but it is the only road to recovery. So get w/the program and stop talking doom and gloom and start BELIEVING in your ability to HEAL! Please...! With loving, healing energy being sent from down here in Boca up to you Rhodies.
Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/celebrte/hug