What to say when someone is losing their battle?

[anne2]

Hi Friends,
My mom's friend (and what I think is her guardian angel, because my mom would have never noticed her lump if it wasn't for her friend being dx with bc) is in hospice care. We are going to visit her and I don't know what words would comfort her. It is so unfair because she is going to leave behind her only child ( only 21). I am very upset, but would hope to provide her some comfort through the journey. Any wisdom would be helpful. The only thing I can bring her is a prayer book, to take comfort in God.
Please say a prayer for Cathy.
Anne

[Faith in Him]

Anne,

I believe prayer is the most powerful thing that you could do for her right now. I know that when I first learned about my bc, I felt such a need to talk. I wanted reassurances from family that my children would be well taken care of should something happen to me.

We are all different but if she wants to talk, let her and be a good listener.

I will keep all of you in my prayers tonight.

[mts]

I guess a lot depends on how religious she is...
My mother in law was not religious at all.
Before she passed away, I would bring her the most unique looking flowers, and sometimes, a new variety of Hibiscus (her favorite bloom). This way, she would still enjoy the latest looking hybrid and would give her something to look at and talk about. I would ask her where in her garden she wanted it...

She lived in a small town, so even the latest gossip on the local government was interesting to her.

I would also make frosting in her kitchen (from scratch, of course) and ask her opinion on the taste and consistency.

I went through her mother's recipe boxes and she would nix or approve some of them...

These may sound corney- but it gave her the power of providing her opinions on something new and old stuff -right at the very end.

I treated her as I always did... For me, I would not want anymore since anymore would be fake.

These "little things" gave me something to do without forcing any religious "framework" to her situation. We talked quite a bit- not superficial stuff, just normal stuff. Right towards the end, she wanted to be treated normally. The word dignity never came up, but was certainly expressed inmany ways.

I do recall the idiot across the street that never learned to turn off his sprinklers was talked about too!

Maria (MTS)

[hutchibk]

I don't have much to offer, but I like what Faith and Maria have suggested... much love and prayers to you, your mom and your mom's friend.

[Sheila]

When my best friend was dying a month ago, I spent alot of time with her, we talked, laughed, cried, reminised about old times....I gave her hope and love, but also the understanding that it was OK to let go...even though it was so painful for everyone who loved her. My friend was not very religious...even though we spent 4 years together at a Catholic high school....so religion was not the ususal topic of conversation....I do remember one day I took a vial of Holy Oil of St. Peregrine , (the patron Saint of Cancer Patients) to bless her with...she looked at me as though I was doing some voo doo magic on her....it was more for my peace I guess than hers....I would say whatever you do, your Mom's friend will appreciate the time and gift odf love and caring.

[PinkGirl]

Hi
I recommend two very good books by Dr. Robert Buckman. One is called "Cancer is a Word not a Sentence", and the other is "I Don't Know What to Say". I can sort of paraphrase some of the info from the books:

- make yourself comfortable, take your coat off so your friend knows that you want to be there with her; try to act "at ease".

-it is more important to listen than to try and find the right thing to say. Always ask if the person wants to talk. Use techniques like nodding, smiling and repeating some of her words so she knows you are hearing her, understanding her and listening to her.

-always acknowledge the existence of her emotions - it's okay to say "this must be very hard for you" or "this is very sad".

-it's okay to be silent - just hold her hand and make eye contact.

-acknowledge humor if she is dealing with things that way

-end with a clear contract - "I'll see you on Friday" or "I'll call you next week".

Hope this helps somewhat. The jist of it was that there is no magical, profound thing to say. Just be there and listen.

[Barbara H.]

If you are able, I would suggest that you will be there as a support for her daughter. I have stage four cancer and my greatest concern is leaving my children. I have a child with special needs so she will depend on her parents as long as we live.
Best wishes,
Barbara H.

[Audrey]

My mom has a good friend who is in hospice now and she told me that when she visits her, her friend always asks her to sing for her. So she sings whatever her friend wants to hear and sometimes her daughter plays the flute. Maybe you could offer the gift of music or sharing some other talent (read poetry, make a pillowcase with her picture on it for her only child, etc.)--As others have said, it's not so much what you say as it is just being there and showing that you care. (If she is religious, a book I've always cherished during difficult times is called "Streams in the Desert") Hope this is helpful.

[BonnieR]

I am trying to think what I would want if I was HER. I know, even at this very early stage that I am in, that people sometimes don't know what to say so I try to put them at ease by initiating "normal" conversations because I want to forget cancer for awhile. I want to talk about everday things. (I just got this insight by becoming a cancer patient myself. I used to be uncomfortable visiting someone who was terminallly ill.)
Conversely, it usually comes up naturally during the course of conversation when it is not forced.
It is "the elephant in the living room" that no one knows how to address sometimes.....but I would take my cues from her.....

[Sherryg683]

My brother has had his melanoma return with a vengance in his liver and the prognosis is not good at all. When he calls or when I call him, we usually talk for about 3 hours. Most of it is about our common cancer and how no one really knows what it's like unless they're going through it. We talk about God and faith, sometimes about the fear of not having enough. We talk about cheerful things we did while growing up. A lot of the things he wants to talk about is repeated with every conversation but I still listen and act like I've never heard it before. I tell him out right that I don't know what to say or do to make it better for him, I can't. He's still very active and looks great and is not near to being in hospice but he knows what he is facing. As someone else said, I guess if my days were nearing end, I would want anyone who visited to bring me food, lots of good..fattening deserts and dishes that I have deprived myself of trying to keep my weight down. That probably sounds stupid but that's what I would want, that and uplifting coversation and also be let know that my children would be looked after and taken care of...sherryg683

[Shad]

I agree with the advice about offering to help your mother's friend's daughter. You may also see if she has pets - she may appreciate an offer to help place the pets in good homes. If she is a pet-person, maybe bring a pet to visit her.
Shad