Hi Everybody!

[Joy]

Well, I haven't posted in forever and I apologize as I have not given support in the form of posts to so many who need it. I have given you my prayers and thoughts and a lot of love. I see that some of you are having some real struggles and I'm so sorry for the new challenges and frustrations and sending you as much good energy as possible.

I also get so sad when we lose someone, well we ALL get sad about that and sometimes that makes me recoil a bit, don't know why. But we feel these things so profoundly and sometimes I just need to be with that feeling for that person and their family. I still can't believe Sandy is gone and now Linda W. My heart aches.

I'm still movin' along with tykerb/xeloda and will be scanned in September I think. Just praying it will keep working and not just stable, but continued regression. I still have that nagging worry that it will just quit working really soon and the options will run out.

I really have appreciated the thread about making future plans and fear of that. I have the hardest time with that and it takes constant work to try to act on things now without the worry. I need to find a job, scares me, my house needs work, wonder if it is worth it and then there is the crazy thing of dating.

I could use some advice from you girls and guys as you are great advice givers. I have not been interested in dating since my last relationship 4ish years ago. My life is rich and full with children, family and friends. But I'm feeling imbalanced as my life is so heavy in the feminine always. 2 daughter, 2 female cats, all mom friends and their daughters and some little guys too. But no male friends really and no boyfriend and no place to meet people (although I am starting a basic conversational Spanish class at our community college next week-big move for me as it involves...the FUTURE). So...I swore, I SWORE, I would never do the internet thing for so many reasons and I'm still freaked out by it. But in surfing the web for something else I saw an ad for a single parents site-didn't even realize that was out there. So for kicks I posted a profile with my same goofy picture as I have here and HOLY CATS. I get at LEAST 15-20 messages a day. Many scary ones-can't spell, show weird pics, so transparently phony, bizarre on-line names (my current favorite is 'KingofBeast69'---eeew). However I met a very sincere and sweet man with whom I've been corresponding and he actually lives in this vicinity as so many don't and still want to hook up. King of Beast lives in Yonkers so New York gals-beware he's on the prowl.

So he asked to know more about me, work, hobbies, etc. And my work history has been dominated by the big C. So I went ahead and explained my work history and why I have such amazing family support (so that I can be with my children-which is best for all of us) and how fortunate I am. i described myself as a BC survivor/thriver and that people say I look healthy and I know I feel healthy and am not slowed down in any way. And I said if that was too freaky, I would totally understand.

Well, I didn't know how he'd respond and I was surprised to get some very sweet e-mails after that mention of cancer. I did not mention the metastatic factor. So I feel a little like a liar, even though I am a BC survivor, and I'm scared to let on to that, don't know how to let on to that and I'm really feeling like a lemon. But we are talking only by e-mail, but he has hinted at a meet up for coffee or lunch and that he'd like to get to know me better and a friendship is the first thing to develop, with which I agree.

Here, I've been thinking about boys again after being 'MOM' to so many for so long and wanting to be 'Joy' to someone and have the male presence and perspectives in my life and I feel like this damn disease is going to keep me from that. Who wants to take on someone like me, with such an uncertain future-okay now I'm crying and feeling sorry for myself.

What should I do girlsand guys? What is honestly realistic?

Love you all so much and I share your triumphs and your challenges even if I haven't posted that directly!

Brenda-I love the 'joy column' because despite everything I just said I see joy and experience joyful moments everyday! Just listening to my kids and a friend play Monopoly during a needed rainstorm yesterday was a joy.

[Believe51]

I am drinking a latte right now because I am so happy to hear from you.>>Believe51

[Joe]

Joy,

It's great hearing from you, unfortunately I'm spoken for but my Dad used to say: "Nothing ventured. nothing gained"

Warmest Regards
Joe

[tousled1]

Joy,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a man in your life. You have been honest with him about being a breast cancer survivor -- you are a survivor! I know only too well what it's like being alone. Having the loving support of family and friends is fust not the same as having a man you can talk to or lean on. I haven't had a relationship for over 5 years now and I really miss not having someone of the opposite sex tojust hang out with and talk, not to mention the hugging, kissing, etc. I say go for it! What have you got to loose -- absolutely nothing but a lot to gain.

[Jeanette]

Go for it Joy. My son who os almost totally blind met the love of his life online. They have been married almost three years now and expectingfirst baby next year, Jeanette

[Karen Weixel]

One of my bc support group buddies met her boyfriend on line. She met him a year after dx.

Best of luck to you Joy.

Karen

[mke]

I say meet the guy for coffee or whatever. Nobody else bares all their problems, flaws, idiocyracies before they even meet someone face to face - why should those of us with BC? He knows you're a BC survivor, that's enough for starters.

Good for you for the Spanish class, I keep thinking about improving on some language that I know a little about - but I never do it.

[Mary Jo]

Hi Joy,

I was happy to see you've posted. I've missed seeing that adorable face with the beautiful smile attachedhttp://www.her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon7.gif!!! I understand how it is dealing with the "site" stuff. It gets scary at times. It reminds each of us how uncertain cancer is and how the "scary" stuff could happen to any of us and has happened to ALL of us in one way or the other. I often tell myself I'm going to "take a break" but so far have not. I always HAVE to know what's going on ~ what's up with this one or that one ~ and for me personally, I NEED to be encouraged many days and often (most often) get that here from the wonderful people that "grace" this site with their "presence."

Ok, enough of the "sappy" stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On to my advice to you......................

In a nutshell....................YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If that special someone is waiting for you how will you ever know if you don't take a chance. You DESERVE love and companionship. The person who could be out there waiting for you would be SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED if they were able to have a relationship with you because you are a wonderful, loving, sweet person (I can just tell from your posts). So, please.................go for it. Venture out and live for today!!!!!!!!!!! None of our tomorrow's are forsure so grab a hold of life and run with it. (stay out of "kingofbeasts" way though - he sounds a bit ferocioushttp://www.her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon12.gif)

Love to you,

Mary Jo

[Faith in Him]

Joy, I think it is time to jump back in. We have BC but that doesn't mean we have to stop enjoying all that life has to offer.

[jag]

Im A Single Guy From The Midwest...dont Panic Im Not Hitting On You..my Advise Would Be To Be Honest Up Front...about This Illness..true Some Guys Will Run The Other Way...they Wouldnt Be Worth Your Time Anyway...but A Good Man Who Is Interested In Starting A Relationship Will Take The Time To Get To Know You Before They Make Up Their Mind About Anything..dont Let Your Illness Rob You Of Living Your Life With And How You Want..your Posts Always Seem Warm,caring,and Honest..you Share Your Fears,happiness,with All Your Ladies In This Group In A Way That Makes Me Feel You Are Someone Special..a Good Person..so Start A Good Friendship And Go From There..remember To Keep Fishing Till You Catch A Keeper..go For It Joy...be Happy...god Bless You And May He Lead You To Someone Worthy Of You To Be Your Companion On Lifes Road........and To All The Ladies Wonderin What Im Doin On This Site My Dear Moms Breast Cancer Was Her2...so I Searched To Find All I Could To Help Her... And I Continue On This Site To Keep Up With The Latest Info On This Disease....she Is Doin Well...with Gods Grace I Hope She Continues To Be Well...

[Grace]

Hi Joy,

BC survivor is "survivor." I honestly don't think you have to go into long explanations about stages, etc. There is absolutely no one in this world who has had cancer who knows he or she is free forever, so how could you. And who knows about those who haven't had cancer! None of us know our future.

So long as he knows you've had BC meet him, in some safe area, just in case. I think it would be great for you to meet some men. Good luck, and I hope you'll let us all know how it works out.

[StephN]

Yes, full of joy is how you sound. Guess getting all those responses is a good mood/ego lifter. Even if some of the men seem a little desperate!

Just wanted to say that one of my stepsons found the love of his life online. She is a wonderful, talented and pretty woman and I am glad to know her as my daughter-in-law for the past 6 years. My one regret was that we could not attend their wedding in Texas as I was in the midst of weekly Adriamycin and traveling was not recommended by my onc. Not to mention that I felt like crap!

I vote meet this fellow. If he has a good heart you will know it.

[StillHere]

I say meet up with him as a companion/friend and if things develope from there- It was meant to be. Ease into more details as the occasion for such arises. Listen to me. I have not dated anyone else since I was 16. I would be scared to death to be thrown back into the dating arena. Be brave & confindent. You deserve a warm and caring relationship. I guess this is what I would hope you all would say to me. Be careful, but please do venture out of your comfort zone. Peace. Karen

[eric]

Joy,

I'm sorry you're feeling sad as you bring such "joy" whenever you post. Sorry, I know it's corny but what the heck...it's true. You remind of Lisa as you always "light" things up for me whenever I see your posts. I agree with everyone else and especially Mke. You're not lying... what normal person bares all their private warts right out of the gate. Hey, my wife used to say I was perfect during our first 6 months of dating. After 17 years of marriage now, BOY did she learn different!!!

Enjoy and have some fun bring Joy, you deserve it.

Eric

[Jean]

Dear Joy,
Instead of asking if - I say why not? You are certainly intitled to have
friends, comfort and Joy! In this life nothing is certain. This man could
also have issues or medical problems (who knows) that's not what it
is about....I don't believe dating or making new firends should be based
on a health check (unless you have a disease that is contagious).
Have fun and the best of luck -

Kind Regards,
Jean

[Debra]

Joy -

What can it hurt? I liked Joe's line! Makes sense to me!

[Sherryg683]

Joy, I can relate to the conflict you are having as to whether to tell him your stage now. Whenever I meet someone and they find out about my cancer, I feel compelled to tell them I'm stage IV...like they even care. I agree with the advise of meeting him, see how it goes and then if it progresses, then you should tell him. Heck, he may not even appeal to YOU after a few meetings. I can understand why you are getting so many emails, you are absolutely adorable and you deserve a good guy. ..sherryg

[VaMoonRise]

Dear Sweet Beautiful Joy,

I absolutely agree with what everyone else has said. We all deserve to be happy and to have someone special in our lives, cancer doesn't change that one single bit.

I say be as honest and as up front as you want to be and are comfortable with. Treat it no differently than you would anyone else you are meeting for the first time. If he truly is a good guy with a good heart he will know what he is willing or not willing to bring into his life at this time and he will be honest and forth coming with you about it. Don't sit there worrying about any negatives that might come from having a relationship with someone who is battling cancer or any other type of scary non-contagious illness and don't put any thoughts into his head about any negatives either. Let him be the one to think about all the pro's and con's, and if he is a smart guy he will know that he has far more to gain than he has to lose by being in a relationship with someone as wonderful as you are. Life is way too short and unpredictable for all of us, heck, we all would probably avoid getting into relationships if all we thought about is how we could lose that person in a flash of a second, and that is the truth about life, it could happen to any one of us at any time.

I say go for it, enjoy it and see where it leads. If nothing else you will at least find and develop some wonderful friendships, of this I am certain.

Cancer can rob us of a lot of things but it can't rob us of:

Love, A joyful spirit, Relationships, Memories, Who we truly are on in the inside, Compassion, or anything else that we hold near and dear to our hearts unless we ourselves allow it to. I for one refuse to allow it to! If anything, cancer has taught me to nurture and to be attentive to these things even more, to grasp onto every nano second and make the most of it so that it will always remain a wonderfully beautiful memory to be cherished and shared with others.

So get out there Girl and Live, Live, Live!!! Grasp every nano second and run like the wind with it, trailing beautiful memories behind you as you go for others to see and cherish as well.

Wishing you all the best and praying that you will find that someone special, someone who is deserving of you and who will love you and care for you like you have never been loved or cared for before because you my dear friend and sister deserve nothing less than what your own name is, "Joy," enough joy to last a lifetime.

Love, Hugs & God Bless,
Nicola

PS: One of the most beautiful and a tear jerker of a movie I have ever seen that is about this exact issue is called "Sweet November" with Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron.

[StillHere]

Jeff says "who expects a complete life story before you even meet in person?" He does not feel you are tricking him in anyway. I am sure the discussion will come up naturally by just telling him you have a lab, MD or Rx appointment if you start dating.

[fullofbeans]

Hi Joy,

I can totally relates to what you are saying since I am the same problem myself. I too ,am afraid of dating and I am not even trying to meet someone anymore since BC. I think that you have been honest about telling him about BC survival and that is what you are.

As I am writing this I can also hear a little voice in my head about being honest. But I agree also with the other posts that you do not need tell everything straight away. Yes prognostics for stage 4 are different but give him some chance to know you first and vice and versa. I also mostly think that if you trully think yourself that you will be saved somehow then you are not really lying and as we know from this site there are so many things in the pipeline for Her2 that really it is far from being a fantasy.. and even if this is not the case I have been enriched by a couple of relationships that are now finished, and I would not change these experiences because they did not last..humm I have just convinced myself to get out there too :-).

Love and good luck with the date in question

[Joy]

I am always so blown away by the wisdom and effort you all show. Thank you so much for all of your words and seeking advice from others on my behalf-it means so much. You said things in ways that I hadn't thought of and can take to heart and assimilate so easily. I'm feeling a little braver and who knows where any of this will go. This man is off to Chicago for business and I think he will contact me when he gets back, but I'm open to whatever.

Anyway, I feel so much better after reading this thread-because my friends and family have said similar things on this issue-but you guys KNOW about these things.

MMMmm, I just love you all so much!

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

This is your first spanish lesson from me -

Translation: "To a very courageous and beautiful friend"

Joy - I think it is marvelous that you are venturing out and trying to enjoy new experiences. That is what " living" is all about. YOU GO GIRL

I dont know you personally but from your picture and how you help others on this board, you seem to be a very warm and loving person. Anyone would be very lucky to FIND YOU.

I also vote to meeting this gentleman and see how you like him. If he is not the one, you are taking the first step to a positive future.

Don't forget to have fun along the way even if you don't meet Mr. Right
on the first few try's. And please keep us posted as to how it's all turning out. How fun for all of us to focus on something different and exciting for a change - like our very own little mini soap opera (hope I am not sounding too personal - lol

seriously Joy - HAVE FUN ON THE WAY.

Take care my friend

[rinaina]

Hi Joy, cancer or not, you have so very much to give to someone, that any guy would be crazy not to appreciate it. I understand your hesitancy but I vote that you go for it. The very fact that you are thinking about it and actually acting on your thoughts proves that you are ready to take on another thing in your life. Joy, Your name fits you so well. You are a constant inspiration to all of us. Please let the male population see all that we do. You go girl!!! Best of luck and I'll be praying for good things for you.

[Hopeful]

Joy,

Go for it! After 4 years, you could use the practice in social situations. Each one is a learning experience, so, even if this one doesn't work out, you will have learned something to help you handle the next one (which there definitely will be, because you have to keep trying!). Life is to be lived, not watched. Take a chance.

Hopeful

[chrisy]

Hi Joy,

I'm so glad to see you posting again - I've been worried about you (although I did spy and saw you had been logging in regularly!).

You have every right to yearn for what "ordinary" people want - and you should have that and more, since you are "extraordinary". After all, the reason you are fighting so hard for life is to HAVE a life.

Although we know each other only from our posts here, I think we Her2 sisters (and brothers) know each other better than most strangers do. Where else do people bare their souls so openly as here?

So, knowing you as I do, I know that anyone would be enriched by getting to know you. I don't think you could be anything but "honest", but don't feel like you have to push(scare) people away.

Put yourself out there, Joy, and give someone the opportunity of a lifetime - to bask in your shining light.

Much love
chris