I miss you all, dear sisters [Archive] - HER2 Support Group Forums

vickie h

08-21-2007, 07:23 PM

Dearest Sisters,

I have not posted in quite sometime and wanted you to know how much I miss all of you. My mother-in-law has stage 4 lung cancer and is not expected to survive. We have been in Minnesota taking care of her and feeling blessed to be with her, but so saddened at the days to come. We really love her so much.

While we were gone we sold our home and are now back in San Luis staying at a hotel while we wait for our leased home to be available. It has been such a trying summer and I keep my faith close in my heart that things will be better. One of daughters is not speaking to us and our other daughter has become distant. I never dreamed that during times like this there would ever be abandonment issues from our children. I pray each day fro the widom and grace to stay on the path and to love those around me. I find myself wandering through the brambles, lost at times, looking....searching for the path right next to me. It is here with all of you that I feel comfort, my sisters.

Chelee, I wept when I read your post, you have always been so special to me, and I am so sorry that I was not here when your mother passed away, to comfort you and wrap you with my love. I lost my mother 22 years ago and I know how painful that loss is. I still see her walking towards me with open arms, as your mother is doing now with you. I grieve along with you and send you my prayers and love today.

Grace, thank you for remembering me. You will never know how much your email impacted my life. I awoke this morning with you on my mind and felt humbled to have you as a friend. You are amazing and I love you, my sister.

Please know that though I have not written or posted, you are never far from my heart. You have made the difference in my healing. Sleep sweetly, dear sisters, God loves us all.

Love, Vickie

VaMoonRise

08-22-2007, 10:44 AM

Vickie,

I am so sorry to hear about the trials you have been going through this summer and about your Mother in-law. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts, heart and prayers. If I could hug you right now I would.

I know somewhat of what you are going through in regard to your daughters. My husband has and is going through the same thing with his oldest daughter and middle son since his divorce from his first wife. He adopted his daughter as his own when she was 5 yrs. old. and has loved her as his own ever since. His first marriage wasn't a horrible marriage, they just married much too young and grew apart. It wasn't he that wanted the divorce but his ex-wife did. He tried everything and gave everything to keep this marriage together for the sake of the children. He wanted to wait until they had all graduated from HS or at least until they were old enough to be better equipped to handle it. His ex-wife didn't want to wait though as she had already met someone else, someone from Germany who was here in the US on a work visa that was about to expire and she wanted to marry him so that he could stay here in the states. They did get married and soon had a child together. During the actual divorce my husband gave her everything. He gave her all the money from their house being sold, money from savings, he took all of the credit card debt, leaving her completely debt free, gave her the newest vehicle free and clear while he kept up with the payments on it, left her as the beneficiary on his 401K even if he were to remarry and gave her all of the furnishings from the house, plus paid child support. He literally left the marriage with nothing but his clothes, some personal items and all of the debt. He rented a bedroom from a single guy who owned his own home for almost a year, which was miserable. Many people have called him crazy including his own attorney. His ex-wife who had asked for even more such as alimony was laughed at by her own attorney and told not to push the issue because the judge would be liable to tell her that since she already got more than any woman has gotten from the average working man that he would give her the alimony but he would also give her a part of the debt that they had accumulated together over the years. Needless to say she didn't pursue the alimony. My whole point to this is that my husband was a wonderful husband and father, always putting his kids first, always involved in all of their school activities, boy scouts, swim team, wrestling, etc., even coached wrestling, all while holding down a full time job and working side jobs late at night after the kids were in bed. I can more than vouch for him in regard to being a wonderful husband, he spoils me rotten and to this day he treats his children wonderfully as well. His children are wonderful kids, they are all smart, successful, well mannered and hard working. His youngest son (just graduated from HS.) has always remained very close with my husband and comes to stay with us on most weekends but his oldest daughter has had nothing to do with him since the divorce. She is now married and about to have a child of her own. His middle son now has contact with him by phone but has yet to come visit us, we have gone and visited him though and those visits always go great. My husband and I get along extremely well with his ex, her husband and my husband's sons. When his youngest was very young we even all went together to an amusement park, ex's, new spouses and the ex's new child. My husband and I couldn't seem to figure out why his oldest daughter has nothing to do with him and why his middle son had remained so distant for so long. The only thing my husband can figure out that makes sense is that his ex-wife used to treat their two oldest children like they were her best friends instead of her children and that is never a good thing. She would tell them all of her marital problems and they would over hear conversations between her, her mother and friends complaining of things about the marriage. Well, kids always seem to bond more with a stay at home Mom than they do with a father that works, so they probably felt great loyalty to their Mom and felt that if they took her side that they were in some way showing their loyalty and love for her and perhaps even protecting her in some way. His oldest son has even hinted as much to his Dad since they are now talking. Throughout all of this my husband always remained hopeful that he would reconcile with his two oldest children and he made sure to always reach out to them via phone calls, letters, gifts etc. This was very hard to do for so many years when he kept getting ignored and rejected. I told him to never give up though, to keep reaching out to them even when rejected and eventually, hopefully, as they got older and matured, got married and had children of their own that they would have a better understanding of what marriage and raising children was all about and that they would come around. Well, his oldest son now lives on his own and has told his Dad that he sees things in a much a different way now. That he realizes how hard it is to make it on your own, never mind with a wife and kids to support and that he can see his Dad's side of things more clearly now. He said his Mom had him believing that his Dad was never home enough and didn't make enough money to take care of them the way that she wanted. His oldest son now laughs and says I can't believe that I didn't see the truth of things, that there you were working your butt off to support us and also finding the time to spend with us kids and she still complained no matter what you did. We lived in a new home, had two vehicles, went on yearly family vacations and none of it was ever enough. Either she wanted you at home more or wanted you working more so that we could all have more, and there is no way that any man can do both unless he owns his own company, is wealthy and retired, lol.

We are so very thankful that his oldest son has finally come around and we still hold out hope that his daughter eventually will too, perhaps after she has her child and sees what it is really like to be a parent she will.

Please don't lose hope with your daughters. I don't know how old they are or what the circumstances are but as long as you keep trying to communicate with them and never let that door shut completely, even when the rejection hurts so much, eventually they may come around and see things in a whole new light.

This is a very trying time for you with your Mother in-laws health and the new move on top of it . I will be praying for you all and hoping to hear back that things have gotten better for you and more settled down once the move is complete. Don't be afraid to come here to lean on us and to vent because that is what we are here for. We all love you and want the best for you and yours.

Take care and stay strong Sweetie. Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes.

Love & God Bless,
Nicola