Help, My husband is driving me crazy

[Vanessa]

I am so sorry, I need to vent. Everytime I get a petscan that indicates that I need to continue chemo, my husband, who lives in Ft. Worth and I am separated from, sends me a cheesy divorce agreement, this time he stated that he is sorry that he has to go through this. He also told me that he believes that I brought on my breast cancer and willed it upon myself after he filed for the divorce the first time. He didn't work for 2-1/2 years during our marriage, we had to live off of our savings and now he is blaming me, because we don't have any savings and has been wanting a divorce. I think he is going bonkers. He believes that my family should take over my medical care at this point. I have a huge headache. I really just needed to vent and get a little feedback, because I am starting to feel like I am the one that is nuts.

[Becky]

Be a firetrucking bitch my dear. He wants the divorce. Hang loose my dear. Tune outttttttttttttttt. Who cares!!! You know what I mean. Let it be, let it be. You can drive him crazier than cancer so why not?

Also, it is not the worst thing that is happening to you so focus on you and not him and his divorce.

Oh WELL!

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hi Vanessa!
We do feel nuts when we try to deal with people "as if" they are sane when they're wacky!!!! Take a good look at his track record and declare him totally insane. Then when he start hollering, see him for the insane baby that he is and just "oh well" him!!!
If he can hand off his insantiy to you, then he feels better and you feel like a nut for sure. Just say no as Becky says!!!!!! She so has it right on!
But the baby in his crib and get back to taking care of YOU!!!
ma

[Leslie's sister]

Vanessa:
Oh my goodness! What an idiot he is. The best advice I can give is, "Don't engage" meaning, when he starts with his nutcase statements, don't respond, don't anything. Just ignore him. His selfish statements do not deserve a response from you. Continue down your path of treatment, healing etc and don't let him drag you down. And remember, the Texas court system decides who is responsible for your medical care, not him. So ignore him and when the time comes, hire a lawyer.

[sassy]

Vanessa,

Unfortunately, it appears that all he cares about is what HE WANTS.

I agree with the "don't engage" advice. Don't play his game of trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for your cancer dx and all that goes with it. When he starts--depart. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Worry about you. And when the time comes.....make sure you have a GOOD lawyer.

I hate that you are having to go thru this--any of this. Concentrate on the good things--like that new grandbaby!
________
Web shows (http://livesexwebshows.com/)

[BonnieR]

Of course you have a huge headache.....HIM!!! Could he BE more insensitive?
Keep the faith.....

[hutchibk]

It sounds like it is time to get the loser out of your life for good!!! You do have a good lawyer, right? What do you mean by "family take over medical care?" Paying for it, or being your support system? Either way... I say run away from him as far and as fast as you can. Do you have insurance? If you aren't already on SS Disability, apply ASAP! Metastatic b/c is pretty much automatically covered, and you qualify if you haven't worked full-time for 6 months I think. It is retroactive to whenever you stopped working fulltime, and if you aren't already on Medicare, it is also retroactive, so the 24 months required for Medicare are already counting down from when you stopped working fulltime, but you have to apply... Take all steps necessary to get the loser out of your life. Starting with a good attorney!

[harrie]

1. Vanessa, you are not nuts
2. Don't let him make you believe you are nuts
3. Screw him!
4. Later on in retrospeck, I bet you will come out a stronger person.

[Chelee]

Vanessa, No...you are FAR from nuts...I think its the other way around. I'm sorry but your husband is just plain cruel to talk to you that way and say you brought the cancer on yourself. This guy is just mean and *trying* to push your buttons. One of the BEST things you can do when he goes off saying such mean things is total *indifference*. That will drive him crazy and he will be so disappointed that he *can't* upset you which seems to be his ultimate goal for some reason.

You have enough to deal with. Don't give him the time of day. As the others mentioned...get a lawyer if you don't already have one. If he thinks threatening you with a divorce will make you come un-glued...call his bluff and do it. You just don't need that in your life. Thats really nice that he decides to do this every time you find out you have to continue on your chemo. What great timing. He seems to want to turn things around and make this all about him. I am serious....instead of letting him know he is getting to you by pushing buttons....TOTAL INDIFFERENCE! It works..try it. He won't know what to make of that. Give him no satisfaction other then that divorce he wants. I sure hope things get better for you soon. You certainly don't need added stress in your life. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and know we are all here for you. :)

Chelee

[eric]

Vanessa - I want to give you some thoughts from the male perspective...
he's an insensitive moron! Try not to waste your time or energy on this child, he's not worth it. Focus your energy on what's most important...you.

Eric

[mts]

Whatta jerk !

Pretend he's a fly that can't be happy unless he's under a pile of horse doo-doo. Some people are like that. What a waste of air.
This is not about him unless you allow it. Ignore him!

Maria

[Believe51]

I agree with the girls this is not the worst thing that has happened to you. Shame on him for taking vows and not following through, his loss. And think of this: Poor little insane man with no motivation, how sad it is that you think cancer is willed on, that ignorance leads many to their demise. I do not wish him bad, I just wish him good riddance and to leave my friend alone. Again, shame on HIM for doing this to you in your time of need.

And remember, we will always be here for you and you can always come running!!>>Believe51

[Catherine]

Vanessa,

What a toxic moron your "paper" husband is. Hit the ignore button when ever he calls, writes, texts or breaths. You are not nuts, you are being harrassed. I am not sure why you are not divorced. There must be a reason, like it is too much work to get rid of this bad guy.

Anyway, you are a doll and keep reminding yourself of that. I bet all of your "local" friends would agree with the sentiments from the Her2 Club. Too bad we can not call Tony Saprano. First Tony could take you to dinner, then he could call one of his boys and then......poof.....

Just wanted to add a little humor to our venting, Catherine

[Vanessa]

Thanks for all of your comments and the humor, also. I am feeling calmer right now. I haven't heard from him in a week, so I think he may have calmed down, also. I am not going to let any comments that he makes upset me. Thanks again for all the support, I really needed it.

[Vanessa]

I forgot to answer the question about why we are not already divorced. He filed for divorce right before I found out I had breast cancer and gave me the papers with a waiver. After I found out I had breast cancer, I refused to sign the waiver, because I was afraid of going through this along, which I am doing now anyway. Also, I am afraid of how I am going to take care of myself financially if I become unable to work. Right now I only work part-time and that is difficult for me while I am doing chemo.

[Believe51]

You will never be alone!!! We love you and although not a substitute for a husband, we will do whatever we can to support you...Lovingly>>Believe51

[lilyecuadorian]

(From Lily-Ecuadorian's husband). Yeap. This jerk needs to be take out behind the shed and treated to the old form of 'Be a man, son.' teaching.

(I apologize for digging to far into my southern roots)

[julierene]

OMG, it sounds so like my soon-to-be ex-husband. I am so friggin tired of men who divorce women going through cancer because it's too hard on them. Once he told me, if he had cancer, he wouldn't take chemo! I mean, guys are such friggen loosers when it comes to fighting and not quitting. This is the point I have to say, I have tried everything I can and he still wants to divorce - so GOOD RIDDANCE - YOU AREN'T MAN ENOUGH FOR ME! RAAAHHHH!!! :) Love, Julie

[Ceesun]

Vanessa, You are in the driver's seat..........don't let this loser get to you anymore ...I know it must be much easier said then done.........you have more important concerns....let your atty handle him. Ceesun

[Soccermom]

You have gotten such EXCELLENT advice from the others there isnt one thing I could add EXCEPT, my love and support...unconditionally ...cancer and all. My heart breaks for the all the cruelty we somethimes are subjected to by those who are supposed to love us (or at least used to).

((((((VANESSA))))))))


Marcia

[Esther]

Vanessa:

The only thing worse than having to deal with bc mets would be having to deal with the stress of an noxious ex-spouse.

As unsopportive as he's being, it sounds like your life would be calmer with out him. Have you put in the quarters required for SSD? Check into that. You may also qualify for SSDI. I think your kids even qualify for some SSD money, until they turn 18. Also if you do go ahead and get divorced, try to get your insurance coverage through his company extended for the full 2 years Medi-care waiting period requires, so you won't be left with a gap.

Does he have income? Can you hit him up for alimony as well?