RhondaH
09-18-2006, 06:04 AM
This is a coworker of mine who is a 6+ yr survivor of Stage 3 bc. She has been a PHENOMINAL support to me since I was diagnosed. This is SO good, that I printed it out for my files. Take care and God bless.
Rhonda
***************************************
Since I was out on Friday, I'm a little late getting my
name on the list. Len and I will again be participating
in the event on October 14 and donations are appreciated.
Most of you have heard my story a hundred times, so
this year I am including something a little different.
At the request of a friend, I will be speaking to her
church group, about what it is like to have cancer.
For a hand out I am working on a Do's and Don't list for
dealing with family, friends, neighbors who may have been
recently diagnosed or who are currently being treated.
This won't give you the benefit of Q and A, but it may give
you some ideas on how to handle what can be an
awkward situation...at least initially.
Checks should be made payable to American Cancer Society.
These can be dropped off at my desk or sent to Location
1240.
Jan Snyder
Direct Marketing
Underwriting Supervisor
**********
Some Basics:
1. Sitting quietly is OK. Simply having a person in the same room reading a book or watching a movie is comforting. Talk is not required. Don’t talk just because quiet makes YOU uncomfortable.
2. Respect the decisions they make……even if you disagree. Never tell them about a relative or friend who had a different treatment and it worked well, and NEVER share stories about the folks you know who had the same treatment the patient is going through and died.
3. Don’t stop including them in events because you think it’s too much for them to handle. They will let you know if they feel they cannot deal with a large crowd, go to an all night party or similar event.
4. Listen without feeling you are required to respond. Sometimes I just needed to ramble on. (See number 1)
5. Expect good and bad days; physically and emotionally…do not say “Gee, you seemed so much better when I saw you last week”.
6. Your relationship with them need not change. Tell jokes, and laugh when the patient laughs about their bald head. (There are actually some benefits to bald).
7. If the person is quieter than usual, don’t take it personally (see number 1)
8. Don’t be afraid to talk about the illness. Conversely do not make it the only topic of conversation. There are still other aspects to our lives. We are not our disease. We are a person who happens to have a disease, but our core still exists.
9. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or be judgmental (see number 2)
10. Don’t ask “how sick are you today” either in words or tone of voice.
11. Don’t say, “I know how you feel”, you don’t! Even if you’ve “been there”, each person is different and each reacts to the events in their own way.
12. Don’t call them a “victim”. I personally find the word to be very negative. It creates a certain mentality: Oh poor me, gee, guess I should have a pity party.
What SHOULD you say or do?
Respond from your heart
*I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care
*I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.
*How are you doing?
*If you would like to talk about it, I’m here
*Please let me know if I can help… Say this only if you really mean it. Offer ideas such as picking up something at the grocery when you shop for yourself, offer to do the laundry; fix a meal, baby sit (if applicable). It’s difficult to ask someone to run errands for you if you have always been able to do it yourself. Offering a specific task makes it far easier for the person to say yes.
One of the things I received while I was ill was a loan of a co-worker’s movie collection. This was readily available entertainment when I wanted them and there was no required time line for return. She didn’t have much extra cash and apologized that she wouldn’t be able to send flowers. This bag of entertainment lasted for weeks longer than the flowers did. Her thoughtfulness was most definitely appreciated.
Always telling them how brave and strong they are can put pressure on them to be strong even if they don’t feel up to it. (It’s nice to hear this once or twice, but not every time you talk with the person). As a trusted friend or family member, let them confide in you, don’t judge, and let them cry if they want to.
Make the effort to reach out. Human nature makes us want to back away because the word “cancer” makes each of us feel vulnerable. But, this is the moment you are truly needed. Help if you can, but be honest if you can’t; and help them find the proper resources e.g. a support group, guidance on financial concerns, attorney services if they feel the need to draw up a will etc. Providing resource information helps the person help themselves.
Encourage them to get as much information as they need to before making decisions e.g. Internet sites or books. They should be encouraged to be a member of the decision making team, not just a patient who is led down the road. I have learned doctors will tell you as much or as little as you want. It’s empowering to be part of the decision. It was my body and I wanted to know my choices including the good the bad and the ugly.
Books you can recommend:
Chicken Soup for Survivors
A Woman’s Decision – Karen Berger (information about reconstruction after breast cancer surgery.
Barns and Noble Book store has an entire section on health/medical issues. The staff is helpful in pointing people in the right direction.
Remember: Life’s uncertain, eat desert first!
Rhonda
***************************************
Since I was out on Friday, I'm a little late getting my
name on the list. Len and I will again be participating
in the event on October 14 and donations are appreciated.
Most of you have heard my story a hundred times, so
this year I am including something a little different.
At the request of a friend, I will be speaking to her
church group, about what it is like to have cancer.
For a hand out I am working on a Do's and Don't list for
dealing with family, friends, neighbors who may have been
recently diagnosed or who are currently being treated.
This won't give you the benefit of Q and A, but it may give
you some ideas on how to handle what can be an
awkward situation...at least initially.
Checks should be made payable to American Cancer Society.
These can be dropped off at my desk or sent to Location
1240.
Jan Snyder
Direct Marketing
Underwriting Supervisor
**********
Some Basics:
1. Sitting quietly is OK. Simply having a person in the same room reading a book or watching a movie is comforting. Talk is not required. Don’t talk just because quiet makes YOU uncomfortable.
2. Respect the decisions they make……even if you disagree. Never tell them about a relative or friend who had a different treatment and it worked well, and NEVER share stories about the folks you know who had the same treatment the patient is going through and died.
3. Don’t stop including them in events because you think it’s too much for them to handle. They will let you know if they feel they cannot deal with a large crowd, go to an all night party or similar event.
4. Listen without feeling you are required to respond. Sometimes I just needed to ramble on. (See number 1)
5. Expect good and bad days; physically and emotionally…do not say “Gee, you seemed so much better when I saw you last week”.
6. Your relationship with them need not change. Tell jokes, and laugh when the patient laughs about their bald head. (There are actually some benefits to bald).
7. If the person is quieter than usual, don’t take it personally (see number 1)
8. Don’t be afraid to talk about the illness. Conversely do not make it the only topic of conversation. There are still other aspects to our lives. We are not our disease. We are a person who happens to have a disease, but our core still exists.
9. Don’t offer unsolicited advice or be judgmental (see number 2)
10. Don’t ask “how sick are you today” either in words or tone of voice.
11. Don’t say, “I know how you feel”, you don’t! Even if you’ve “been there”, each person is different and each reacts to the events in their own way.
12. Don’t call them a “victim”. I personally find the word to be very negative. It creates a certain mentality: Oh poor me, gee, guess I should have a pity party.
What SHOULD you say or do?
Respond from your heart
*I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care
*I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.
*How are you doing?
*If you would like to talk about it, I’m here
*Please let me know if I can help… Say this only if you really mean it. Offer ideas such as picking up something at the grocery when you shop for yourself, offer to do the laundry; fix a meal, baby sit (if applicable). It’s difficult to ask someone to run errands for you if you have always been able to do it yourself. Offering a specific task makes it far easier for the person to say yes.
One of the things I received while I was ill was a loan of a co-worker’s movie collection. This was readily available entertainment when I wanted them and there was no required time line for return. She didn’t have much extra cash and apologized that she wouldn’t be able to send flowers. This bag of entertainment lasted for weeks longer than the flowers did. Her thoughtfulness was most definitely appreciated.
Always telling them how brave and strong they are can put pressure on them to be strong even if they don’t feel up to it. (It’s nice to hear this once or twice, but not every time you talk with the person). As a trusted friend or family member, let them confide in you, don’t judge, and let them cry if they want to.
Make the effort to reach out. Human nature makes us want to back away because the word “cancer” makes each of us feel vulnerable. But, this is the moment you are truly needed. Help if you can, but be honest if you can’t; and help them find the proper resources e.g. a support group, guidance on financial concerns, attorney services if they feel the need to draw up a will etc. Providing resource information helps the person help themselves.
Encourage them to get as much information as they need to before making decisions e.g. Internet sites or books. They should be encouraged to be a member of the decision making team, not just a patient who is led down the road. I have learned doctors will tell you as much or as little as you want. It’s empowering to be part of the decision. It was my body and I wanted to know my choices including the good the bad and the ugly.
Books you can recommend:
Chicken Soup for Survivors
A Woman’s Decision – Karen Berger (information about reconstruction after breast cancer surgery.
Barns and Noble Book store has an entire section on health/medical issues. The staff is helpful in pointing people in the right direction.
Remember: Life’s uncertain, eat desert first!