tired and confused

[saleboat]

Hello everyone,

I'm scheduled to have my last Herceptin treatment for early-stage BC on Monday. Whoohoo! I'm ready to graduate, although of course I have some mixed emotions as I'm sure many of you can understand.

I finished chemo Sept 05, and finished rads in early January of this year. And I'm really getting frustrated because I'm still TIRED!!! At the end of the work day, I don't have much zip left-- I can maybe go to the gym one or two days of the work week, but other times, I head home for some R&R. I just want to feel normal, and it is clear that I'm not there yet.

Any hints on when normal starts to happen again? How long after treatment ends? When I tell my Onc that I'm tired, she just kinda shrugs her shoulders as if to say "me too!"

I'm torn-- there's a big test that I should schedule that would lead to a professional designation that would be helpful for my career. It is about 15-20 hours of studying a week, on top of my full-time job. I just don't think I'm up to it right now. I half think I should concentrate on getting back in shape, and spending time with my husband, maybe learn some Italian in prep for our trip in October. But then I hate to think that bc is somehow getting in the way of my other goals and there was a time when I could do all of this-- I'd be stressed out, but I would get it done.

I'm rambling. There are so many smart, mature women on this board who have seen it all. When does real life start again? Or should I keep smelling the roses for a while longer? Maybe I never pick-up where I left off, prior to hearing those incomprehensible words-- "you have cancer".

And I even feel guilty for asking these questions-- I know there are many women (and men) on these boards dealing with much bigger issues.

Many thanks in advance,
Jen-- Temporarily reformed Type A

[chrisy]

Hi Jen,
I'm not sure I have any answers for you - you will get back to "normal" when your body is ready. Remember, you have been through a lot - both physically and emotionally. Now is a time to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. If your body is telling you you're not up to 100%, listen to it.
It is frustrating - and you probably want nothing more than to put this behind you and get back to "normal". I didn't have chemo AND rads, with just chemo I wasn't fully back for at least 4-5 months. I've heard that it can take a good year to fully recover, but everyone is different. Just do the best you can, push yourself as much as you feel you can, and keep moving forward.
You're right, there are lots of wise women (and men) on this site. But you have your own wisdom about what will be right for you. Who knows, maybe you can create a new "normal" that includes smelling the roses!
Take care
Chris

[RhondaH]

my last Herceptin is 8/10/06 and just like you the first couple of days in the week, I feel GREAT all day, but by Wed, it's every thing I can do to keep going. I TOO need to work on my CE credits for my property and casualty agents license as well as my CPCU designation, but plan on doing self study at a "baby step" pace so that I can "get into the groove" of studying again. Don't think of it as letting breast cancer have it's way with you, but all those years of rush rush, now it is time to focus on ME and get back where I was (if I EVER will and or if not BETTER than before) and why RUSH into it...with Herceptin, you have MANY years to work on your designation:) Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

[Cathya]

Jen;

I am just a couple of months ahead of you with treatments and have been off herceptin now for about 4 months....but otherwise very similar...stage 3c, ER/PR+ etc. I notice a big difference just in the last month in how I feel. But.....I do find that life is just not the same for me......my priorities are not the same. I love my work but just don't sweat it the way I used to. My home life is far more important.....not that it wasn't before but I am focused now on taking the time I need here. Like you I have lots of professional courses to do but I am grateful that the big ones are basically out of the way.......I just don't know if I would want to spend the time.....but Jen....you will be able to if you chose....in just a little while. Be patient. You will be amazed at what just a couple of months does to your energy levels.

Cathy

[bobbiw]

As I read this and thought about a reply it came to me that for me 'normal' has changed. And again, for me, that is OK. I gave almost everything to my job pre BC and loved it. Now my focus has changed. However having said that I now feel guilty about not working at all and I know this is my problem as my family is very supportive. I am no where near completetion of Herceptin but I too feel tired all of the time (finished chemo May 25 2006). This is a diiferent kind of tired than the chemo tired. This one does not contain the chemo fog but just the fatigue feeling. My onc suggests that one should not have symptoms from Herceptin.....whatever I say huh ladies? OK anyway now I am rambling. I guess what I am trying to get at Jen is that normal for everyone is different and now for us our normal may be not what we are used to. Also, listen to your body, your heart and your soul and do what you think is best. And if you are having guilt, let it go.
Another thought just came to me. The breast cancer treatment decisions have been the easy ones, it's been life's decisions since BC that have been a real pain!
Good luck with your decisions and have faith that what you do decide will be best for you.

[MJo]

Before Cancer (BC) I was ambitious and frustrated -- wanted to write a book, find a better job,lose weight, find a high quality man, travel the world, improve myself, improve myself, improve myself.

I give up. I now literally smell the flowers, because the most important thing in my life next to me is my garden (I have no kids or husband). I am ordinary.

Love MJO

[bobbiw]

Oh MJO a woman after my own heart! Thanks for the post and ENJOY.
Bobbi

[saleboat]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and warm responses. You have all given me food for thought, and if I do as many as you have suggested, I'll listen to my gut on this one. It still wants to sniff the roses and put off the test.

It is time to stop and figure out what has been programmed into me as a route to happiness, and where I truly find fulfillment and pleasure. Right now, I'm having a great time planning our trip to Rome, and puttering around the apartment. Last summer, I was doing chemo and maybe it is just too soon to expect boundless energy. I'm gonna stop feeling guilty about it!

Thanks all,
Jen

[Sherryg683]

I have been off chemo (taxotere, Xeloda, and Herceptin) since April of this year, finished 33 rads in June, and I still get weekly Herceptin....I am now in remission from my lung mets and was darned determined to get back to my old routine. I have gone back to playing tennis 3 days a week and swim laps the other two. I have to say that when I am exercising I feel energized. It's when I stop and sit down that I feel like it would take a mac truck to get me up. My body aches terribly most of the time from sore muscles, although it's getting better. I was complaining to my radiologist oncologist the other day about being so tired. She said that she could get me into a program at a local hospital to help get Cancer patients back into shape. I told her that I was playing tennis and swimming but it was after I was finished that I was zapped. She looked at me like I was nuts and said "if you can play tennis in 100 degree weather, this class isn't going to do anything for you". She says she has patients that can hardly walk to their mailbox, they are that tired. So I guess I feel lucky that I can pretty much go back to my old routine, although I haven't hit the gym yet like I use too. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all are different, a lot of it has to do with what your routine was before your chemo also. We have to listen to our bodies and stop when it says stop. I do feel kind of guilty, I have enough energy to play tennis for 3 hours but then I come home and am too tired to cook super...priorities, priorities...lol..sherryg683.

[Soccermom2006]

Dear Saleboat,
As you know I have just finished. I too am looking forward to that "AHA!" moment where I feel better than I have. I guess its a relative thing? I would take better than before chemo (AC/taxol/Herceptin) but realistically may have to accept "Better than after AC/Taxol/masts?" I guess we will both just have to patient (starting to hate that word)!

Go easy on yourself! Hugs,Marcia

PS Do I recognize "you" from another BC site a while back? I am active on the FORCE website (www.facingourrisk.org (http://www.facingourrisk.org)) Maybe its just your screen name? I lived on a sailboat (Formosa 60) in the Bahamas for some time.