feelings

[juanita]

I know how y'all feel physically. I see it here on your posts. But how are y'all emotionally? Mentally? Do you cry a lot? What are your feelings about having breast cancer? What have you felt since first getting the diagnosis? I cried when I first found out I had breast cancer. I cried that whole night and looked awful going to see the surgeon the next day. I cried when I was very violently ill with the first onc that I had. And then again when I quit the chemo and quit him because he made me feel like I was going to be dying very soon because I was quitting. I sure didn't want to die and was terrified. Since then I've only cried once, on the one year anniversary of the day I found my lump. I don't think I'm in denial, how can I forgot the fact i have breast cancer when there are so many treatments, appointments, tests, etc.... And then there's the hot flashes caused by the menopuase, caused by the chemo that I had to have because I have breast cancer. So I know I have (had) it. But other than that I just try to not let it consume me. I guess I was just wondering- gosh i'm not sure what i really wanna know. A friend told me none of us knows how long we have left, but since I got the diagnosis i am more aware of that. It's funny that it has taken a year and a half for me to be questioning how I really feel about this disease. I guess because my year of herceptin will be in June and then I will kinda be on my own. For the past year and a half I've had people telling me what to do, and now I'm wondering what's ahead for me. What's normal to be feeling? Is there a normal? Am i really in denial because I chose not to think about having breast cancer? Any words of wisdom on this will help a lot in quieting my nerves at this point.

[madubois63]

>>Is there a normal? Am i really in denial because I chose not to think about having breast cancer?<<

You will never be "normal" again, but you have to strive for a new normal. BC will always be a part of you, but remember you have/had BC it DOESN'T have you!!! Listen to your body and don't ignore things. Try not to worry until there is something to worry about. Take care of your body and your mind - take time to smell the roses. Do all the things you always wanted to do but never found the time to do. None of us know when we are going to die. Think of the Tsunami or the hurricanes. People sitting on a beach or hanging out in thier houses watching the weather cahnnel and then - gone. As hard as this BC thing is, we are lucky. We get the time to set things right and to really live and enjoy living...I don't think your in denial. It took me a year to ask what stage I was. We take the information is when we are ready. JMO

[tousled1]

Hearing the words "it's cancer" is always a shock to the system. I think that when we are first diagnosed we have what I will call "selective hearing." We only hear what we want to hear. It is very hard to digest everything that the doctor tells you. When I found my lump I knew that it was cancer since I had had previously had 2 lumps removed which were benign. This lump felt different. When I was told it was cancer, even though I knew it deep in my hear, it was still a shock. It took me quite a while to let it sink in that I was Stage III, ER/PR- and HER2+. At that time I didn't even know what it all meant and to be truthful didn't want to know. I have many days when I feel down and out but then I come to this board and read other women's stories and realize how brave they are and that gives me the encouragement to go on and not feel sorry for myself. It is not easy living with breast cancer -- it's a fight that can be won. If you get to feeling down more than you are up you might want to ask your doctor about putting you on an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication. And do remember that there is always this board where you can come and get advice, information, or just vent.

[TriciaK]

Juanita, I think both of these posts are "right on". Hearing the words "It's cancer" is the start of an emotional roller coaster. I've been on it a long time. It was really hard when I first heard those words because my little sister, my only sibling, had been fighting BC for 7 years. That was back in 1985 and there wasn't a lot of hope. She actually died a few months after my diagnosis. I remember thinking that I surely would have at least 7 years, because of her courageous example. I wish I had known of a support goup like this at that time. After a double mastectomy I kept on for 5 more years. I was so busy with the psychology practice my husband and I had together that I didn't think very much about having had cancer. I worked especially with women who had been abused, many multiple personalities. They had suffered so much I was able to put my own fears on the back burner in order to help them. Then when the BC showed up again 5 years later I was more concerned. I had to give up my practice because I no longer had the strength for it. I studied psychonueroimmunology under Dr. Carl Simonton and learned to use self-hypnosis to fight the cancer. That and tamoxifen kept me cancer free for 15 more years. I think the daignosis of her2 lung mets in 2004 was harder on me emotionally than the other 2 times. I shed a lot of tears. I felt I had had 2 chances and how did I dare ask to be cancerfree again? But my husband and family wouldn't give up on me and their faith and prayers, plus this wonderful website, and the herceptin plus navelbine and femara, began to turn my emotions around again. Now I am NED, and I think I will go on for more years. I picture at least 10. ( I use a lot of positive visualization!)That doesn't mean I don't still wake up in the night fearful and wondering, especially since I have congestive heart problems, but I have had a long blessed life and I am no longer afraid. I think the emotional part of the whole cancer thing is every bit as important as the physical, and I'm glad we can discuss it. I have gained a lot of insight from this website, and I am most happy to share any feelings and thoughts and experiences I have had in the journey, in case they can be of value to anyone else. It is important to share our feelings with each other and with our loved ones. The worst scenario is to bottle them up and live in fear. Thank you for starting this thread, and for the replies so far. I hope many others will share their feelings. Hugs, Tricia

[StephN]

Hi Juanita -
Not crying is maybe NOT a bad thing. It may not mean that your are stuffing your emotions down inside you, but that you are finding other outlets for them. And are just a braver person than many.
Some of us just become stronger - and some of us actually were "strong" women emotionally prior to our cancer diagnosis.

Lots of things happen to our family and close friends that fall to us to handle over the years. These situations can help set us up for bearing bad news of our own with more grace and acceptance than may be apparent to others not in our shoes.

Not shedding tears may mean that you are not wallowing in self pity, but that you are going on with your life as best you can. (I know I do that!) I think I cried over the realization that I would be weakened and have to spend a lot of time under treatment, and what I would miss because of that. I did not at first focus on the type of BC that I had - I just wanted to start dealing with it. Some of us BC patients get angry and this is another outlet for emotions. Some of us may focus more love and affection on our families, which is another outlet. Some may find new hobbies such as writing or art or music. Many of us start taking more walks or other physical activity.

You know that Herceptin has been a good friend and is there should you need it again. Some women going off treatment feel "out on a llimb," but you should be followed somewhat closely as well as monitoring your own body for symptoms. You know that you have this group to come to any time.

Congratulations on completing your treatment. Now try to keep your focus on the road ahead and the things you want to take care of or accomplish. This was one of my best ways to forget - to try to catch up with all the things that were left in the dust because I had to deal with this disease.

[RobinP]

I think it is normal to feel depressed after a bc diagnosis, especially as treatment options end and the reality of bc sets in along with the things that have changed because of bc., ig, loss of sexual parts-breast, chemo-induced menopause, knowing the fragility of life and life as you once knew it more simply and carefree etc.I bet not a single person here has not struggled with coping on some level or another following their bc diagnosis.

However, I guess the key to successful coping is suggested above. That is incorporating the new you into your life and setting new goals and expectations for yourself. Keep your chin up. I hope this new chapter of your life, with finishing treatment, will bring you hope and happiness.

Online support will aid in your coping as well; see link below...
Emotional Benefits From Online Support Groups

http://medicineworld.org/images/blogs/support-group-33255670.jpg
Women with breast cancer who participate in computer support groups can obtain emotional benefits when they openly express themselves in ways that help them make sense of their cancer experience, as per a new study conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison Center of Excellence in Cancer Communications Research (CECCR).

"Even though there are a number of women with breast cancer participating in online support groups, this is among the first research studies to demonstrate measurable benefits from participation in such groups," says Bret Shaw, lead author of the study, funded by the National Cancer Institute (NCI).

The analysis was conducted on message transcripts from 66 breast cancer patients participating in an online support group member that was integrated with the "Living with Breast Cancer" program, a computer-based health education and support system. The patients were recruited from Madison, Chicago and Indianapolis.

Text messages within the computer-mediated support groups were analyzed using a text analysis program, which measured the percentage of words that were suggestive of learning or understanding (e.g., aware, feels, know, realize, see, think and understand). A higher percentage of these insightful words were associated with improved emotional well-being and reduced negative mood in follow-up surveys.........