Off topic for a moment, but need advice!!

[Nikki uk]

Hi

This is slightly off topic for a moment but heck i need some advice.
OK Long story short, i was brought up by my wonderful grandparents who have both now sadly died, my grandad passed away in May this year from a heart attack......i have never really got along with my real mother (thier daughter), but when my grandad was dying in hospital i confronted her as to why she had not called me when i was diagnosed with breast cancer.....she replied (in her words) "i don't care if you die from this", also she called my son, again in her words "a little black b****rd"...now, my son is half Portugese but even if he were half water buffalo he is still my son and HER grandson!!!
Anyway, today i received a court order ordering me to stay away from her, otherwise i could face a prison sentence.
I cannot believe anybody would stoop so low, my husband called her to confront her with regards to her comments and i admit some rather colourful words were used but can you believe any mother would be this way to her own daughter??
I believe her husband (NOT my father) is behind all of this, but i am so upset, i really need my mum right now and she just pretends it's all my fault we don't get along.
Since having being diagnosed with breast cancer i don't need this kind of grief in my life, i try to ignore it but deep down i'm hurting....i am so angry at the moment i just want to go round there and smash her teeth in, but i know that's not the thing to do.
How do i deal with this? how can anyone be so cruel?
I hope you are all well, sorry for changing the subject here but i need some opinions.
Love
Nikki x x

[Alicia]

Nikki,
It is so hard to be rejected by the one person that you think would love you unconditionally. I am sorry to hear that you have to struggle with this emotional pain as well as the breast cancer pain. Easier said than done but it sounds like she is the kind of person you should distance yourself from...poison to both you and your son. Maybe you could write her a letter and let her know that you are saddened by her hate. Not everyone's heart is empathetic to the pain of others and the hurt they cause others. Do you see a counselor? Talking to a professional had always been a great help to me! I hope that you find peace with her on some level. Best wishes to you! Alicia

[Kathie in New Jersey]

If she wasn't there before why would you think she would be there for you now? Evidently, being a caring person is not in her and why would you want a person like that in your life and esp. around your child. Your whole concentration should be on getting better and beating this cancer. Your Mother is who raised you and cared for you not the woman who birthed you.

Kathie

[Steph N]

Dear Nikki -
Looks like you are being rejected again by a mother who has already rejected you as a child. It is only natural to want to heal with your Mum as you heal from your cancer. But this does not seem realistic in view of the court order (this was a real shocker to me!).
You need to turn to those who DO love and respect you and surround yourself with positive people with positive energy. This is how we heal - we need do to make some selective choices and priorities on who and what we spend our limited life energy on. YOU should come first, then your husband or son. Other sibs or cousins and friends who do support you. Your mother must be reserved for some point in the future when you can try again to deal with her. Put her in a mental box if you can and put that box on a closet shelf. The negative energy associated with her is more debilitating then is good for you right now.
Easier said than done, but you asked.
All best wishes and remember to smile every chance you get.

[JoJo]

Hi Nikki,

Sorry to hear about what has happened with your mother. Like Steph said, turn to people who respect & love you. And please consider yourself fortunate that you had grandparents who were very loving & caring and raised you. For one, my cousin was unfortunate in this aspect. Even though she & her mother grew up nearby, they didn't live together and Cuz bounced from one foster to another to another to another to another throughout her childhood. Let yourself heal from pain and count your blessings.

Hugs :-)

[vicki p]

You do not need negative people in your life now.Especailly now,with what you are facing..
My mother did same thing to me when I was eithteen.So I married a really bad person..Because I just figured anything was better than living with her..That marrage only lasted one year...Actually the first time he hit me,I was out of there..
I have a spot of breast cancer in my liver..
I am being treated with cisplatin and herceptin..This is my third time out of remission..
I have been on chemo three years this mo..During the year of 2002 my husband died...
I am still alive and people who see me can not believe I am on chemo.
This is what I know and live everyday of my life..With cancer you can cry and die,or you can laugh and live..well missie I am still alive and you can not imagine how much I laugh..I look at life with a very positive outlook.
I wake up every day and smile and laugh..I am hear for a reason,maybe it is just to share my story..And you spread my story..
You must let your mother go..You have to surround yourself with positive people..Your are now incharge of your life..Not your mother are anyone else...
Turn your life over to Jesus Christ.He is the answer to everything..I would be dead if not for him..And I give God his father all the credit..
You will do great,just remember think positive,be surrounded with positive pepople..
And you will do great..If you need any other advice.Are someone to talk to..Please feel free to e-mail me....

[Sandy H.]

Nikki you will get through this. I was adopted by my grandparents and they were my parents. It was my father who caused all our problems. I went to counseling for 8 months and it did help. After my father passed I was able to talk to my mother and found out why I was put out for adoption and believe me it was for the best. I have a sister and brother who stayed with my parents and they can tell me some horror stories. Every thing happens for a reason. Like so many have said you need positive people around you. If this is the way your Mom is going to be then that is the way it will be and you can not change it. The court order pretty much sums it up. You need to move on with your life and put your Mom behind you. It is her loss as well. Life is not always fair but its up to us to make it the best we can. We are the ones who know what we like and will enjoy. Concentrate on your husband and son and be thankful you do have them. Just think without them what would it be like? Find some positive people that know the Lord as their saviour and they will be a big help to you. I will be praying for you. Hugs, Sandy

[Annemarie]

You need this like you need a whole in your head. I reflect back on my 36 years of living and think about all the silly things I let bother me. When people act like your Mum it is their deal not yours. Remember this, She is a very unhappy person and probably will remain that way. At this point it is wasted energy that you need to spend getting well. Just count the blessings that you do have. I know it is painful and very easy to give advise. Family members of mine only seem to call when I have a reoccurrance. They will not rob me of anymore of my happiness. I am no longer burning day light even thinking about them. They have the isssues!

[Jacqueline]

Hi Nikki, I am so sorry to hear about the way your biological mother is treating you. It feels horrible, I know. There has been a time when my mother rejected me too. I didn't speak to her for two years. But later I learned that she had been an incest victim as a child. That made things more understandable, even though I still thought her behavior was unacceptable.

I think your mother gave you to your grandparents because in her heart of hearts she knew that she wasn't able to take care of you. That may have been the kindest thing she ever did to you. She gave you the chance to have a warm, caring home.
Even though she is behaving in this unbelievably cruel way, she may be feeling guilty, and this may be her inadequate way of dealing with her guilt.

There is nothing you can do for her, I think. She has buried her problems so deep, that she isn't able to help herself, let alone help anyone else. The anger she is expressing towards you is immense. It may be her way of saying: I can't help you. She is in bigger trouble than you are.

At least you have the ability to acknowledge your feelings, talk about them, share them with others. Yes, I know it's very very hard to deal with this. I've been there. But I managed to put it behind me. With help from friends, therapy and time passing.

Now that you no longer have your grandparents around, who could have helped you through this period of dealing with breastcancer, you need to find other to help you. A support group, councelling, therapy, whatever. This is too big to deal with all by yourself and you don't want to burden your son with this.

by the way: my sons are slightly dark skinned too. Don't you think your son looks great?

You deserve all the support you can get. You've been through some terrible things and nobody should suffer alone. Ask for help. And pamper yourself. You've been very strong and you sound like a wonderful mother.

A big, warm hug from me for you,

Jacqueline

[lYN]

Hi, I can sympathise with you, I hadn't spoken to my parents on and off since I was 15, first time when I was pregnant at 15 they wanted me to have an abortion but it didn't happen and my son is 34 this year and a beautiful person with a brilliant career and family and they have always thought of him as just lovely but would never admit that they wanted rid of him, I did it all with out their help and I am 50 next month. They would have to drive past my place to see my sister and wouldn't even call in, and most of the problems have been caused by the rest of my family. Mum and Dad turned up at the hospital after I had surgery, I think it took that to make them realise that this wasn't some trivial family feud, I have said the same about them over the years that I didn't care but my dad passed away last year 84 and I still shed a tear, even after I found out about all the nasty things he did before he died but at the same time he was making my Essiac tea religiously for 5 years, trying to make ammends I think, but my mum....now 84 with nothing wrong with her at all stays with a brother who came to the hospital also before my surgery and I hadn't spoken to him for about 4 years but as it turned out he was having marital problems and just wanted to unload on me, like I needed anything else, so short story not speaking to him again he had dad's Will changed the week before he died and managed to get mum to sign her real estate over to him and they hadn't spoken for about 6 years before my dad got sick and mum has gone back to the way she was when we were kids and now I know why I don't remember much of my child hood because she had a nasty streak which is now coming out, so as family the old saying you can't choose them, so hopefully your hubby and son can ease your turmoil a bit. My friend's mother remarried and had another family, my friend is 53, and told her that she was no longer the natural daughter as she had another family and cut her out of her will, strangely enough what real estate she does have was bought by my friend and now her mother is dieing of cancer, don't know which way this relationship is going to sway either, but you are not on your own with family feuds, either it will happen or it won't, I think you will find that your mother is jealous of you and envious of the life you have had with her parents when she should be happy for you and get over herself, people tend to hang onto to much emotional baggage and they are the won's suffering and inflicting there misery onto others so don't let her win, Kharma always comes to mind.

Love & Hugs Lyn

[Lolly]

My Lord, Nikki, my first reaction is your mother has a lot of growing up to do. It's really too bad you can't get the support you so need from her at this time in your lives, but you are going to have to be strong for yourself, and your son and husband, and look for it elsewhere. Your mom is only going to cause you stress and grief until she comes to an awareness of how selfish her behavior is, and more stress and grief you don't need, so turn away for now, find your help and support through friends, neighbors, networks such as this one, and family who really do love you. Hopefully some day she'll become a more enlightened person, but right now your responsibility is to yourself and your son and husband. Don't let her hurt you any more.

Love, Lolly